29M Russia/Belarus Software engineer

Hey all!

I’m meh… self-diagnosed ADHD, I know it sounds kind of silly but it’s not really possible to have proper diagnostics in Belarus(thus I’m not sure if it’s true, maybe, you know - I’m just not good enough).

I had a pretty hard time at school, cause I was mostly rejected and a bit bulled later to be honest. I’ve been learning with a 3-4 grades out of 5max with always been said that I can do much better if I’ll try. My room was always in a great chaos, I remember mom once made even photo of it(with old photo which required you to buy cards and print photos later, lol) and of course I was punished a lot(hard kid for the parents with low respect to the authority etc).

I was learning/doing things only at the very last moment, but surprisingly it worked well for me(or at least it allows to go through social hierarchy). But it was always pretty hard and health destroying to work in the late night with a looot of coffee and energy drinks +thinking what a miserable person with no self-control I am.
Even master degree work at university which should be done in 6 month was done in 4-5 days almost without sleep. University years were funny, cause I’ve got my first friends, gf and was part of group for the first time, not alone, it was really amazing! Also I was like talking to everyone and got familiar with almost all folks from the first course. Of course it wasn’t easy, I’ve been almost expelled from university every year but with some magic - graduated. Also i got fat, like 125kg(275lb) and addicted to the video games.

So I’m engineer but my first passion was learning how human body works - I was reading book by book and article by article bout hormones, food, training e.t.c. and even lost about 30kg(66lb). Now it’s pretty boring topic for me, huh.

Also I moved a bit from engineering to the programming, at one moment switched from moscow to minsk as a junior software developer, alone(i got used to be alone actually, but was never happy about it).
In 3 years I became senior and teamlead with relatively huge income(7-8 times more than before moving to minsk)but if you’re still reading this story(thank you!) all good things came with BUT. And this time main issues were the following - I was again alone in the new city and was working just before the deadlines without sleep. Rest of the time being in the anxiety about postponing the work and self-eating for being lazy piece of… Such things resolved in clinical depression, I had 2 courses of antidepressants and during the second one I got real interest in the psychology (hah, like the weigh, just trying to fix myself =) ).
So I was and I am learning a lot in this direction. Cognitive behavioral therapy( CBT) helped me with the depression and now I’m learning as a CBT therapist(and even have 2 clients with depression now along with main job).

Once I got through ADHD topic I was… surprised, stunned, devastated, furious, happy and even crying sometimes. I though it was something like child-only hyperactivity disease, but then my whole life with all challenges was described. I have really high scores for the standard self-check tests and other. I’m so sad that neither me nor my parents never knew of such thing as ADHD before, but a bit happy that there is a chance that it’s not all my fault.
I still have a lot of troubles like work at the deadline, troubles with relations because of emotions and rejection is so fcking painful for me that I keep avoiding a lot of good things(like I’m living alone for 4+ years in belarus without any kind of stable relationship and very few people who could be called not real friends, but something close to it. Not even celebrating my birthday, hah) and other.
Also medications which are used in the western countries are banned by law here as a drugs and it’s almost impossible to find a good doctor(hope you can suggest a good one) or support for such topic.

I’m not sure why am I writing this, maybe looking for your support or suggestions or just driven by the impulse(i’m from youtube), but I’m really happy to find a place with people like me. Thank you)
here) it’s pretty late now(1:30 am)

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That seems to be true for most folks here . . .

Welcome aboard!!

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Hi Leo,

For what I’ve read in your post, you’ve been able to cope with some things and are still struggling with others. Still I think you’ve achieved a lot and you should be proud of yourself. I think people will always have issues, but as long as we’re aware of them and we keep trying to make things better, we’re on the right path.

Welcome!

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Thank you, I really appreciate it.

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