The title pretty much says it all.
I’m at a point in my life where I realize I need help, and I don’t have anyone that can give it to me. I’m married, my wife is a counselor, but we’re pretty strapped for cash, so I can’t afford to get diagnosed yet. It’s on my non-existent list of priorities for my personal life.
I do know this - if it felt like a burden was lifted just by finding out I’m not alone, to hear my story echoed by others that are still struggling in ways that are the same but different… I have to give joining a community a chance.
I’ve joined communities before, mostly to learn about politics or philosophy. Basically as a way of getting information more easily than digging through the weeds myself.
I think this community is meant to be more than that.
I hope its more than that.
I hate to say it, but I think I need it to be more than that.
Because until recently I never realized how tired I am of carrying out this pain that I was never even aware of. Like… that’s crazy… how could I have been oblivious for so long about how much I’ve been struggling? How is it that I could just swallow the idea that I’m lazy?
But evidently, it happened, because here I am, on this forum, and I’ve got hope that I’m in the right place. That maybe what started with just realizing that maybe I’m not a shitty person, that maybe my brain is just different, might continue here.
There is a little part of me that worries I might not have ADD, and I don’t know what I’ll do if that’s true. Because that would mean maybe I am just fucked up and undisciplined. Maybe I am just lazy and hoping to find an excuse. I think that would break me a little.
But I need to know the truth either way, because I’m tired of wondering why I can’t start a project until it’s almost too late to finish, or why things have to get halfway to hell and back before I can stare the problem in the face and work on a solution.
I allowed some fucked up things to happen in my life. Went deep in debt, had crazy amounts of problems because I missed appointments, didn’t do paperwork, turned in paperwork late, etc. I was homeless for a whole year, and rather than ask anyone for help, I wanted to prove to myself that I could solve that problem… just because I was tired of people telling me that I was lazy or undisciplined. I could have asked my parents for help… but I preferred figuring out how to work my way out of homeless to enduring their judgment and lectures about how I needed to be more responsible.
And if all of that happened because, in part, nobody had any idea that ADHD was a thing and that I had it… I think that understanding it now will help me just accept that life sucks and that happened.
But… if it just happened because I’m lazy and undisciplined… I don’t know if I could forgive myself. And I don’t even know if I could change it… because I really don’t want that to be me, but I also don’t understand why it is.
So, I don’t know what to expect from all this. I just know that I need to do something.
Because I still have lots of problems and stress in my life. I still wonder if part of those struggles is just the way my brain works, and even if it is, I don’t even know what I can do about it.
I don’t even know if this will work, or it will help. I just know that I need to do something different because I just can’t stand for it to be the same. And I’m not crazy, so if you want something to change… you need to do something different, right?
For 30 some-odd years I haven’t had any other options that make sense. This is the first new thing to pop up on my radar.
Here’s hoping this does the trick.