44 going on 4! Hello, thank you and I am so happy to be here

career
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#1

Hi tribe!

I found you. I’m so relieved and thankful for this community and cannot wait to engage and collaborate with y’all.

I’m about to turn 44 and it wasn’t until 40 that I got diagnosed (hence the going on 4). For the past 4 years, let’s be honest, I have done nothing to work on my beautiful mind. About 2 years ago I did finally get on medication and wow! I never understood what a focused brain could do. So I thought that was it. Keep taking my Adderall and I’m good. Haha yeah right!

So why am I here? I recently had an incident at work where after some reflecting realized that my symptoms were DEFINITELY NOT under control. I have identified 3 main reasons:

  1. the organization just does not work with my brain (SLOW!!! Reading and LONG writing culture)
  2. people don’t get me and their reactions spark my impulsivity (hello short term memory)
  3. I’m a recent expat and the stresses of a new city, no friends, language issues, etc are putting my stress and anxiety levels at an all time high.

So where does that leave me? My life has fallen apart, but hey that is OK! I’m now on short term disability (after only 6 months), going to be transitioning back to Seattle (sorry Canada) to be near my support network and most importantly, learn more about my brain and create mechanisms to take back control of my life! And just being here and writing this out on the interwebs is giving me the warm and fuzzies that I haven’t felt in forever. :heart:

Thank you for all of your support and all of your beautiful brains!
Matt

TL;DR (I found the details in a lot of posts helpful to me, so part of my story below)

This is very scary and nerve racking for me. I have felt like a failure my whole life. but outwardly have been able to fake it so I look like a happy go lucky person. But inside, it was all about being a failure. With no family and very few friends, I go into my cave and stay there so I don’t have to interact with people.

FYI - I don’t believe in failure or regret. I have taught myself to learn from every experience I have…I just don’t have the right words to describe it better.

In the back of my mind I always knew I was different than the norm. Procrastinator, messy, poor financials, impulsive, memory like and elephant (at least I thought so), insomnia, I check off almost every box on the list.

Somehow I made it through college and found my calling in life as a researcher at tech companies you all know. But I do bore easily and having just re-done my resume, I guess the “neurotypical” response is kinda true, “he cannot hold down a job” because I’m 12 companies down. My only saving grace is that I have done this for so long, I am considered an expert in my field and companies seek me out.

So now I need to get serious. I may be at the lowest of lows I have ever been, but I am now hopeful and optimistic having found y’all. I want to learn about the things that work for me, I need to rebuild my self confidence, but most importantly I want to learn how to create strategies for things that don’t work for me. I don’t want to go back to work at a new company without having a good plan in place just to relive the same issues again.

(off soapbox)
Thanks to everyone here, this place means so much to me. And thanks for listening.:hugs:

Matt


#2

Hi Matt, good to see you.

I’m glad you found treatment, and that you’re kicking goals!

I can relate to much of what you’ve written, and it sounds like you’ve related to a bunch of stuff that others have written here too.

Unlike you, I do believe in failure and regret, although I find that it’s all relative. My feeling is that failure is the price to pay for trying. If you don’t fail at some point in life, you’re not trying hard enough.

And similarly with regret. If you have no regrets, you haven’t been aiming high enough.

A failure can be a building block for success. And most of my regrets are from making one choice instead of another and ending up somewhere that I can’t get back to option A. A regret can be as simple as “I bought the Mercedes, but I really liked the sunroof in the BMW”.

It’s what you do with failure and regret that defines a person. And I regret not knowing that sooner.


#3

Thanks :slight_smile:

I like how you framed failure and regret. It is the same as how I believe in it, but framed in a better way. It isn’t about avoiding failure or regrets but learning from them so thank you.