Accountability partners

Hi, this is my first post here - I actually joined for this specific topic. I’m 51, and was diagnosed only about a year or two ago. It really explained a LOT about chronic issues I’ve had around employment. I had recently to the conclusion that I needed to step away from being an employee in my field to stepping out on my own (for reasons beyond ADHD issues).
Running into many of the typical hazards for ADHD folks working from home. It’s so frustrating, not only feeling guilty when my wife is aware of my lack of progress, but because I actually really love what I do (mental health, focused mainly on addiction and relationships).
I’m hoping to find an accountability partner or partners, but within the ADHD community so that there’s mutual understanding as well as awareness of just how important accountability is for us.
I get that we can feel apprehension at something like this, like what if it’s not a good fit, so maybe it would be helpful to try just partnering up for a day…
Thoughts? Any takers?

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Welcome!

We have things in common!

(gotta go)

Get back to you later!!

:sunglasses:

I’m back . . .

I was in my mid-50’s when I was diagnosed. I should have suspected something as my, now 45 yr. old, son was clearly ADHD (“wild man” according to his pre-K school Principal) and officially diagnosed when 4 yrs. old. And my Dx. also, like you . . . “explained a LOT about chronic issues . . .”!

“I needed to step away”

I turned down a promotion recognizing that my skill set, compromised by problems with short term memory; organizational weakness; low frustration tolerance; emotional dysregulation; etc.

I’m retired now, formerly a Master’s degree in Social Work, having worked in community mental health with persons having serious chronic mental health diagnoses (often “dually diagnosed” with substance use issues ’ addiction). And I too enjoyed my work. It enriched my life . . . made me recognize that “There but for the grace of God go I . . .”

You’ve come to a suitable such ADHD community!

Wishing you the very best on your journey!

:sunglasses:

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I too was also diagnosed a year ago. And just as your statement was it explained A LOT.

I came here to find support, a place I can ask for advice with those who understand and not feel judged or have the same things repeated such as lazy, not caring because of forgetfulness of important task or dates.

Big part of my life that I have chronic issues in is my marriage. From all the reading and videos I’ve been watching and learning from it hits every nail in the head.

Can I ask what steps have you’ve taken to better help yourself live with ADHD?

I’m currently looking for a therapist. I found two but it didn’t feel right and felt like it was just filling a questionnaire out and not truly trying to understand me or help besides throwing meds without any reason besides the questionnaire saying I have ADHD.

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That is true for me as well. I just celebrated my 49th wedding anniversary. My wife and I have a solid relationship . . . And yet, over the years . . . there have been occasions when I would overreact, almost instantly without thinking, reacting to something that my wife said, did not say . . . or did or did not do. I would get angry when there was really no reason to get angry. I would get angry first, before trying to discuss whatever it was that got under my skin. At those times, what made things even worse, was the fact that my wife has never been able to be on the receiving end of anger no matter how gently it was expressed. “Emotional Dysregulation” is the “clinical” term to identify this (i.e. “my” anger problem).

I take medication. SSRI (s) and an anti-seizure medication with an “off label” use for mood stabilization. Over many years I have frequently been in therapy. I used to see a psychiatrist for medication who herself was ADHD. She really understood me and went beyond just medication management. At one point I saw a therapist who specialized in CBT. She was less than helpful. She was more focused on establishing a diagnosis, beyond ADHD, so she could bill insurance (and I suppose to "pigeonhole"me with a clinical label, presumably to help guide her approach). She saw me more as a diagnosis rather than as a person . . . and that didn’t work!

One more thing while I am sharing, over the years there have been incidents of “road rage” (mine). Though infrequent, my behavior was dangerous and confrontative. My adult daughter would no longer go with me if I was driving. My wife was close to declaring the same intention. I am now 75 and live in a CCRC (continuing care retirement community). For safety reasons and in consideration of my wife, I recently made the decision to no longer drive.

btw: Though my marriage is rock solid . . . there have been a number of times when my wife would say “I just cannot take this any longer”, with the underlying message that perhaps she would leave me! Talk about “wake up calls”!

I know I have shared a lot here, and perhaps not given you an answer to your question . . . I have found that there are no easy answers but in sharing similar experiences with others here . . . that has been comforting.

wishing you well,
Barry (Born and raised in "Brooklyn, NY)

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I’m a bit late to the discussion, due to being focused on moving recently, but…

Welcome to the HowToADHD forums @damon !

@j_d_aengus It’s never too late . . .

:sunglasses:

I’m looking for a change to remote work, so that I can be home with my homeschooled kids. (I’m recently divorced, and have 50% custody of my two younger kids. I just moved to upstate New York to have that custody work out as every-other-week.)

I know from previous experience working from home that I’ll need help with accountability.

(Calling myself out… This may sound like a commercial, because it’s about a paid service, but it’s what I’ve decided to try.)

I’ve recently made the decision to try a coaching & accountability group:

The coaching is 10 weeks, and I’ve known since before before my ADHD diagnosis 2 years ago that I need some kind of coaching for my ADHD. I’m glad that this coaching program includes accountability groups. (For ongoing support, they also have an active Alumni community.)

The same program also includes a service called “Adult Study Hall”, which uses the body double approach. (Note: this is a paid subscription service.)


The HowToADHD community has always been super supportive. I do think that it might be possible to put together an ad-hoc free-to-join body-double kind of group, like the ADHD reWired “Adult Study Hall”.

  • How might we go about it?
  • How would we keep it going?
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Well, if it is so… Welcome Damon, I am joining to.
We also have two or three things in common. :slight_smile:
I was diagnosed being 49. (or 50) and it also changed a lot. At the beginning it felt like a great relieve and than later like a big task and struggle.

It explains so much…

this is a good example. I realized how important accountability is. But also that it is a two sided thing and if I want to improve and come two terms with my struggles I do have to make some adjustments.
And those also mean change, for me and for others. Talking about my family, but also collegues. It was easier to blame me for not getting things done, or being “arty” and “chaotic” - than listening to how “I work” and being in favor of the little adjustments I made and I need.

I also realized that I have been very quick in taking the blame on me, for I was so used to it.
So the therapy I have been taking often tells me/told me I should be more fighting for my own interest, but I am easy to take the blame on me. My marriage is all shaken right now.

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