I’m struggling and I don’t know where to begin. As soon as I open the forum webpage I’m reading other peoples posts and I’ll write a reply. And then I’ll leave again.
The way I look at the posts on the forum:
People are struggling and that’s okay. It’s understandable. Words from people with some distance can sometimes be helpful. Sometimes being read and being liked can be helpful. So I’m glad I can help. (rescuer syndrome? people pleaser?)
And then here’s the stuff that’s going round in my head: All that logic, the tolerance and the empathy is there for everyone but me. As long as other people are fine, I’m fine. Nothing’s bothering me. I should have been at a level of coping with this by now, so it’s just ridiculous to think that I need help. I seem to be saying to myself: “Don’t be such a weakling. You got your meds… and things went better. So there you have it. No more struggling.”
When I read this back, I know how unfair I am to myself and I know how flawed this logic is. I mean, I’m fairly intelligent! So why am I still convinced of this? Am I really that stupid?
It’s a fight that I thought I had won, but it’s back. I had learned to laugh about myself, to not take myself too seriously as a way of being less judgemental towards me. I feel like I kinda learned that as a ’trick’ because I’m just laughing about it now, without the coping strategies that help me improve my strategies (so i can then laugh when it still fails sometimes.)
I feel I’m not trying, but I am worn out at the beginning of the evening… and then I need to make supper. (lovely recipe for mood swings and lashing out to anyone around me)
So I guess I am trying. But I’m trying to “not have ADHD”, I guess?
I can’t find time to sit down (ofcourse i can find time) and sort this out either. I’m absent minded enough as it is. So why take more attention away from my son and my wife and the things I should be doing?
It makes me sad and I just don’t know where to start.