ADHD and communication skills

I have dyspraxia, ADHD, aspergers traits (borderline asperger syndrome).

I have severe mental health problems including being rejected and bullied as a child.

The difficulties in expressing the feelings are ADHD as opposed to aspergers because the emotions are intense and frequent

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If I may try and draw some more distinct lines here as a why to inquire…

My understanding (which is limited) is that Aspergers involves, in part, a struggle with understanding social/emotional/body-language cues. Why what I said caused someone to smile. What does it mean when they cross their arms. That is not a native understanding. I imagine this also goes deeper, but from an outside perspective that is the effect that is observed.

The ADHD/Emotional-Disregulation is causing (internally) intense emotional surges of probably both positive and negative (for lack of better terms) emotions. Time from “ignition” to “Main Engine Start” and “This rocket is leaving the pad and going to outer space” can be as low as a half a second depending on trigger, and are more frequent and sustained longer than neuro-typical brains.

I think the Dyspraxia, from a quick google, is only related in two ways: It gave something for the bullies to weaponize against you emotionally, and it makes it harder for you to emote in an already difficult scenario.

Obviously, nothing can fix this. All three are life-long issues (once ADHD is set when the brain stops cooking, anyway), and can only be mitigated via meds/coping skills, etc.

For Aspergers, the only coping skills I am aware of (not being in that circle) is having to be hyper aware of what is going on and making a concious effort to always be “translating” that into subtext to overlay onto the actual words. Which sounds… exhausting. I deal with hyper vigilance after having been assaulted/abused as a kid, and that is just keeping track of where people are. That can wear me out super fast. Always having to track cues in a meeting at work? Screw that, I’m done for the day.

Which builds frustration. Which doesn’t help when oh look… ADHD kicks in. I cannot focus on tracking all that, or it is the ONLY thing I can do. And the slightest criticism can feel like an all out assault and trigger an outburst because the bullying and rejection and maybe even frustration from parents and teachers taught my emotional brain that I am worthless, and I naturally defy that but I don’t know how to.

Am I close?

I don’t have any answers. I wish I did. I could offer ideas from my experience, but I don’t know how valid it would be for you.

I have seen a few posts from you show up. I haven’t seen much in replies.
Please know we are not ignoring you. I know I tend to read them and think “what sort of reply are you looking for?”
I get the sense you are trying to grasp both what is going on in your head, as well how that fits with the rest of the world. Am I right?

Hope my rambling makes sense. I tend to have massive wall-of-text posts. I am not very efficient with words. Sorry.
JTH.

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