Slightly sensitive topic in some regards. Please proceed with caution as I need to mention depression and childhood trauma. No details shared however.
I was wondering if anyone else has issues with handling depression/anxiety as part of their ADHD? I feel somewhat alone in this as I have some severe childhood trauma, which I have tried going to therapy for several times, however the one key thing that seems to repeat is that 'time will always help the healing, that it puts distance between it all. However I have a very bad sense of time. From the usual not being able to internally keep track of 10mins time as my mind seems to have no concept of it all, to events in my past feeling simultaneously like yesterday as well as a lifetime ago.
The main issue I am trying to poorly explain is that I have memories, both good and bad that feel like they were only moments ago. Despite the fact that it happened anywhere from last week to 20 years. This does also seem to stem into friendships, I have had childhood friends that have drifted apart from me, because it’s natural and its life and people change, yet I have this jumbled sense of time and memories of being close that feel like yesterday so it hurts that say a friend from primary school is no longer in contact even though I never really quite stopped thinking of her as my best friend. This is not to say that I think that it should still the the case, as I know the answer logically is that we live in opposite sides of the country and have very little in common as adults so naturally we won’t be as close as we were when at school. But when I am depressed my brain seems to revel in making me remember that and feel bad. Which yeah is a symptom of the depression, not so much the ADHD, but I wonder if the ADHD inability to properly perceive time is helping focus that depression and the recursive loop it can get into with past hurt. So in the extreme case when for example a certain smell triggers a traumatic memory, as smells and sounds are the best memory joggers after all, I find myself right back to that moment say some 20+ years ago that is traumatic. Then in the worst case scenario I then have to what I have dubbed rebuild myself from that moment going though my life point by point until I get back to where I am now. When I’m having a tough time that is annoyingly a highlight reel of all the crappy times, when I’m in a better state it’s a best of showreel. Either way I have to in my head consciously think of all the stuff that has happened to me from then to now to get my brain back in the present. As otherwise I am stuck and feel like I am still there in the trauma. This went particularly bad a couple of years ago as thanks to a breakdown caused by overwork and to be honest denial of my ADHD, I sought help from the NHS mental health clinic in my area. Instead of helping they retramatised me as they made me relive my childhood trauma over the phone when I was on my own in the house and then couldn’t guarantee an appointment to see a councillor for another month. I went catatonic and was no longer able to work as I couldn’t get myself back to the now in the way I had done before. After some very expensive private therapy I was back on mostly an even kilter and had also started on Setraline from the doctor as that was the only help they could offer, as they were only allowed to refer to the NHS faculty that treated me so badly. (I did also lose my job which also put an end to a career in an industry that I had spent the last 9 years training for, but that is another discussion.)
Ugh anyway I am sorry for ranting I just needed to put it out there. I guess TL;DR vrsion: does anyone else find the lack of time perception that can come with ADHD problematic when dealing with depression etc? Or is this just an oddity I have…?