ADHD people can be people pleasers

When I had an unfocused mind, I was a people pleaser.

Is this a feature of ADHD ?

3 Likes

I cant say a defiant answer but I have and struggle with being a people pleaser to the point where I sometimes go against what I want in fear I wont be accepted or rejected. I think it could be safe to say its very common in ADHD.

2 Likes

Being a ‘people pleaser’ is subject to the individual, meaning it’s less about your genetic nuerology and more to do with common thought patterns and cognitive behavior.
So technically, it’s not a trait like, how you might understand, ‘having difficulty concentrating’ is, as that is impacted directly by your neurological make up.

BUT!!! That said, it is a very very common trait amoung those with ADHD. Jessica talks on it a little in this video.

Basically though, it seems to be common among ADHD for a number of reasons and I would consider it a ‘common by-product’ of the underlying deficits that our brain faces.

A few of my suspicions as to why it’s common with ADHD:

  • rejection sensitivity leading to anxiety and not wanting people to reject us.
  • Emotional sensitivity and lack of emotional regulation I feel lead to us wanting everyone to be ‘happy’ when they’re near us all the time. This in turn gives us a more regulated and controlled emotional experience around people.
  • it’s can be a dopamine hook, it can feel good to make others to feel good and it can be something we might both sub-consciously and consciously chase to experience.

Hope that helps. :slightly_smiling_face:

3 Likes

I do have still trouble regulating my level of being pleasant without ignoring my own needs or beliefs sometimes but I have improved a lot but I’m still pissed with the guy that asked to pass me over on the paying line with only a beer and I said yes without thinking about it (in this case it might have more to do with my impulsiveness not allowing me thinking things straight and thoroughly so I could answer in a more mindful and rational way instead of rushing answering it without even considering my feelings about it).

It’s a complex thing because I have been trying to be more “selfish” (truly just being more respectful about myself, my own needs and feelings) but it’s hard to keep it at a balance on to get where to draw the line of is this me being too much people pleasing or not? I know if I’m feeling like I’m being forced of somewhat shamed into doing it (people seem to love to trow shame when we don’t do as they want) it’s probably a bad thing for us, but sometimes things are more complicated than that and I don’t really know what to do.

Also being impulsive does not help with this at ALLLLL, when you mouth is faster in saying yes than your brain is in thinking before answering (oh the irony), it can be hard to hold your horses when feeling anxiety, pressure or just the sheer anger from other person trying to get you doing something you don’t really feels like or want to.

2 Likes

Basically, it feels good now, to say yes now.
Before our brain has a chance to remind us, ‘hey, this is going to cause you lot of grieve later’, or ‘didn’t you already have 3 other commitments that day?’

Ideally, you develop a habit of responding with, “I’ll get back to you on that, just need to check my schedule”.
Then on your to do list on your phone, add, check this date~ description of request.
And go from there.
Like I said though, that’s ‘ideally’. :sweat_smile:

2 Likes

Ideally sometime I should just glue my mouth with superglue so I could answer even if I wanted too, I just did that today as I asked for the price for a service and I answered without thinking about it straight to evaluate the amount of work needed so I could guess how much I should charge and basically I under priced the service for a lot, luckily the person doesn’t want to do it right now so I have time to fix the mess I made…

But yeah it’s hard to stop and think before acting specially if the other person is trying to take advantage of the situation and tries to push you to answer fast so you feel pressured to give then some answer… it’s kind of cheating but I guess we do need to learn how to deal with cheaters… :sweat_smile:

2 Likes