Anger management urgently required.

medication
depression
anxiety

#1

I’ve been thinking of coming here and write about what happened for several days… I’m about to start crying and I just wrote this line. Okay, let me take a deep breath.

I’ve come back to studies since last october, the start of my last chance to finish obligatory school here where I live. Getting to start was a mess, It is still is to this day, other students are unmotivated, are unstable or just love to mess around. Only to agree or schedules took months.

Teachers do their best, some are good, some very approachable at least by me, but keeping on time with assignments for some of them is a challenge. The students who are good do them without much problems and some teachers just kept going at a pace I could not keep up. I was too afraid to ask the teacher to give me a bit more time and I take blame on paying too much attention to that.

Worksheets started pilling, getting organized got impossible, negative thoughts never left me…
I hanged on until mid January, I was about to give up.

I made a pause… I was deeply depressed. I just wanted to be by my grandma’s house, I felt a bit comfortable but I think I was constantly having anxiety attacks like I had back when I was a kid when I saw my mother leaving me (if you happen to read my intro back then you’ll know what I’m talking about).

I eventually recomposed my self, about a month later. I had a chat with the formation center director, which also happens to be a psychologist. She’s doing a wonderful job trying to get me not to give up, she never stopped asking is I was alright and that she was getting concerned.

I got back, I’m still trying to deal with other students and it’s painfully hard. I know I have nothing to do with them, they are just colleagues after but… their acts always distract me and I get frustrated.

Sometimes I just have to skip some classes because just the feel of getting there makes feel sad and just want to stay in my room. I’ve been head-full with all of this until yesterday, something I feared happened again.

My father has this way to talk, let’s say that there’s something on the news that sort of upsets him. Just to trying to get to his point through he starts yelling, and sometimes It sounds menacing, he just can’t control him, he never did, at least in this cases.

I instinctively saw this has a threat, and also did run to see what was going on. This is when the situation got out of hand. I asked vividly to him to calm down, he took the mater to heart and said to shut it, being very aggressive. I lost control and said that him should be quiet in the first place, he ran towards me, I felt threatened and grabbed a broom that was near me.

He then apologized because I tripped and fell down, I asked him to not touch me. I was still very nervous, I said I was full of this, why I couldn’t just stop screaming, I don’t feel good around you.

And just like that, he was insulting me. I then went home. I clearly saw that I just has a trouble when in comes to self control.

I felt bad when I saw all my clothes tidy and arranged just for me to put in the closet. He does help with chores at home, and I get that he’s not been working much last year due to health… but damn, why it’s only me who has to do the effort? I’m doing my best to change but it’s painful!

Got to spend the night at my grandma’s, the weird thing is that I slept well.

I’m taking my meds, they do help. Got an appointment about two weeks ago. I talked about what was going on at school, that I was sad and frustrated and doing almost nothing. I start taking meds for help with depression. I’m already talked to the director/psychologist of the place where I study and I think need to get an appointment with her too.

I hate violence, I don’t want to become monster, I just have an hard time dealing with so much by myself.


#2

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but specifically the thing that happened with your father sounds more like HE has an anger management problem than you do. I extremely rarely get angry, through constant attempts at control, so I relate to not wanting to become a monster. When I do get angry, best way to describe it is, I don’t turn green and bigger, but otherwise the Hulk. I’ve tried it a few times… I don’t want to lose control like that ever again if I can help it. But I don’t know if that’s ADHD or something else (let me know if you want to discuss it more).

As for school, I’ve always loved all learning, but some ADHD friends have often spoken of having the same problems as you, struggling to stick with it, and even I have struggled to concentrate when having unserious classmates just messing around instead of trying to learn. It can be SO distracting.

It’s not quite clear to me whether you’re on medication for ADHD as well, or just depression, but you might want to consider it if you’re not. The first time I reached my minimum effective ADHD dose, I suddenly experienced not HAVING to look at and lay attention to everything around me. I would see it, but could stay focused on what I was doing if I wanted to. It was such a strange experience.

As for techniques for dealing with school, I recommend popping over to one of the other forum headings, it has several study tips, etc.:blush:

Stay strong, you’re not a monster, although it may sometimes feel like you need to keep one under control. And when you get the help you need, I’m sure you’ll do just fine. It might just take a bit of time to get there, and until then, we’ll all try to be encouraging and helpful any way we can.:wink:


#3

I’d agree with @Marodir that your father has an anger management problem that he definitely needs to address. Emotional dysregulation? Does your Dad have ADHD too? It might be a possibility, from some of the clues you’ve given…

So it sounds like you have a bunch of problems all piling up. Schoolwork, other students, your Dad, anxiety, depression…

In my mind, it would not be unreasonable to snap back at your Dad if he came at you like that. You probably let it all go, and vented a decent amount. His reaction to an uncontrolled outburst was probably justified in his own mind as being on the defensive.

Did he come good again later? Has he apologised? It might be a good opportunity to have a quiet, rational, controlled chat with him about the causes of the explosion. Both from his side, and your own. If he is open to that, at least.

Try and frame it in such a way as to not get his defences up again.

“Dad I know you’re having a hard time without work, do you have a few minutes to talk about how you can help me to understand how we can both make our lives easier?”

I dunno about the wording… But when people are asked to provide help, they can tend to be more proactive. It can give them a sense of empowerment, and maybe takes away some of the feelings of uselessness. A little bit of control back into the situation…


#4

Sure, I can share some of my experiences. I’m not sure if I can connect this to my emotion regulation side of things but, I still remember my very first week of primary school. We we’re asked by the teacher to tell a bit about our life until then. My turn came in and I said “Last week, when I was little…” and everyone laughed.
I only knew to make reference to the past by saying “Last week”. I remembered how their laugh startled me, and thinking “What’s wrong?”. Then as time went by, I just remember miscalculating other pupils reactions like laughter for eg, I would mostly take these as mockery, even if it had nothing to do with me. I believe that’s how it all started. I still hurts.

Exactly the same for me. It felt almost like a miracle, it was strange for me too.

Thanks for the tip, I’ll do. Cheers :hugs:

I’m more inclined to the dysregulation. My mom does have it thought. I’m just afraid for him being in another one of his “regular” discussions and having a stroke or heart attack. He also knows he has to be careful, at least his doctor told him so.

Well, a bit yes. We’re not mad at each other on a daily basis, he helps me a lot actually. We’re always a bit afraid on how to talk with each other without being hurtful, but we do talk. I feel bad because I can tell he’s sad.
But, the thing is, I think he doesn’t accept that mental illnesses are a thing and assumes most people do use that as an excuse for some actions. The news here don’t help either… well, as I said once before, Portugal is just a bit behind when it comes to mental health, and it’s a bit hard to get proper help, it mostly comes in extreme situations (like the fires we had two years ago) for people who lost their homes or family. But coming back (gee I really love to talk) After that one news report he said

“Depression does not exist, people are just mean” or when someone says “I tried to kill myself” he always responds “That’s because he just didn’t felt like it”.

I wish there was a medication for stigma… But he’s really the only one who thinks that way.

I’ll try, it’s not going to be easy, but I’ll try my best. I’ve already talked to my aunt and we’re going to address the situation, she understands me and will help me with wording, and she’s very good at making people feel comfortable and in a safe environment.

I try always not to loose hope, I know he wants to help but he also assumes a bit too much that he’s always doing the right thing. It just feels difficult when he comes back having the same behavior over and over again… but he does know how to help himself, for examples, with our dogs as emotional support.

Thanks for the tips too, thanks for helping again Smoj, hugs for you too.


#5

Unfortunately even in areas of the world where mental health is better understood, this is still a problem. Don’t burden yourself with feeling the need to show him he is wrong, you will do that by simply taking the best care of yourself that you can and succeeding in your life. If he notices the changes and says something, then you can give the credit to the treatments you are using.

I am sad to hear about the strife within your family. Families are supposed to be the people we trust the most and rely on when things get tough. I am sorry to hear that you do not have that.

You are not stupid or lazy. You are doing the best that you can with what you have been given. It will not always be like this, you just have to continue pushing forward to the best of your ability. And don’t forget to surround yourself with others who do understand you and can help when you need it. If you don’t have anyone like that, make sure you start looking as soon as possible. We all need other people in our lives.

Just make sure that you are willing to help them out in a time of need as well! Friendship that is one-sided isn’t genuine.

I don’t know if any of that helps, but I hope I was able to get my ideas across…


#6

Hello.
I totally understood what you meant.

About my family, I believe the main problem is that only a few relatives calm and even fewer know how to express their feelings properly, at least from my vision. I’m close to my aunt and my older cousin, and that’s why I really love to spend time with them as I can, but they’re very busy with work. Sometimes I even go “out of my way” just to be with them… but mostly when I’m anxious… and then get also anxious to know I’m only going to be with them for that moment.

I apologize if I sound like I’m complaining.

@Smoj It might be a good opportunity to have a quiet, rational, controlled chat with him about the causes of the explosion.

A few days ago I was talking at the phone with a friend, I did took prescribed medication for helping me to sleep or for help manage anxiety, I was decided to apologize for what happened back then. I wanted to do that before going to sleep, I tried but I was nervous, but did told him that I was going to sleep and gave a little cuddle to our dog. I middle of the night I woke up to realize he brought someone home while I was sleeping. I felt awful, and also jealous. Still, I tried to show that I was doing fine, but he knew I heard him, I still tried go talk but I was too embarrassed and sad. Went to my room, until lunch time, which happen to be at my aunt’s home. It felt extremely awkward.

Since that other incident happened at the time I opened this thread, I’ve been isolating, missed classes again, not the best thing to do I know :frowning:

I’ve also have a difficulties expressing my feelings to the ones I don’t feel comfortable with (which isn’t the case in here at all, and I really appreciate that) but… Imagine every single day just to talk to someone you need to think precisely which words you’re going to choose.

I still feel sorry and guilty for being violent as kid and as a teenager, for the mistakes I did until recently, some of them really upset me… I just want to hug someone now :cry:

Thanks for being here to me, even thought I only see lines of text, I really appreciate your time here with me. Thank you!


#7

hug
I used to be very violent as a kid, very strong emotional dysregulation… I learnt to control myself somewhat eventually, although I still get too emotional sometimes under extreme pressure and special situations. But it takes way longer for us to get to that point. Don’t feel bad for being that way, but apologize when you do something wrong, once the situation has calmed down a bit. And it also makes it hard to talk with people sometimes, because we feel like we have to be careful to not hurt them… But there IS a reason for it, and it’s a known problem for a LOT of people with ADHD. So you’re not alone.:blush::+1:

hug
shoulder pat