I’ve been thinking of coming here and write about what happened for several days… I’m about to start crying and I just wrote this line. Okay, let me take a deep breath.
I’ve come back to studies since last october, the start of my last chance to finish obligatory school here where I live. Getting to start was a mess, It is still is to this day, other students are unmotivated, are unstable or just love to mess around. Only to agree or schedules took months.
Teachers do their best, some are good, some very approachable at least by me, but keeping on time with assignments for some of them is a challenge. The students who are good do them without much problems and some teachers just kept going at a pace I could not keep up. I was too afraid to ask the teacher to give me a bit more time and I take blame on paying too much attention to that.
Worksheets started pilling, getting organized got impossible, negative thoughts never left me…
I hanged on until mid January, I was about to give up.
I made a pause… I was deeply depressed. I just wanted to be by my grandma’s house, I felt a bit comfortable but I think I was constantly having anxiety attacks like I had back when I was a kid when I saw my mother leaving me (if you happen to read my intro back then you’ll know what I’m talking about).
I eventually recomposed my self, about a month later. I had a chat with the formation center director, which also happens to be a psychologist. She’s doing a wonderful job trying to get me not to give up, she never stopped asking is I was alright and that she was getting concerned.
I got back, I’m still trying to deal with other students and it’s painfully hard. I know I have nothing to do with them, they are just colleagues after but… their acts always distract me and I get frustrated.
Sometimes I just have to skip some classes because just the feel of getting there makes feel sad and just want to stay in my room. I’ve been head-full with all of this until yesterday, something I feared happened again.
My father has this way to talk, let’s say that there’s something on the news that sort of upsets him. Just to trying to get to his point through he starts yelling, and sometimes It sounds menacing, he just can’t control him, he never did, at least in this cases.
I instinctively saw this has a threat, and also did run to see what was going on. This is when the situation got out of hand. I asked vividly to him to calm down, he took the mater to heart and said to shut it, being very aggressive. I lost control and said that him should be quiet in the first place, he ran towards me, I felt threatened and grabbed a broom that was near me.
He then apologized because I tripped and fell down, I asked him to not touch me. I was still very nervous, I said I was full of this, why I couldn’t just stop screaming, I don’t feel good around you.
And just like that, he was insulting me. I then went home. I clearly saw that I just has a trouble when in comes to self control.
I felt bad when I saw all my clothes tidy and arranged just for me to put in the closet. He does help with chores at home, and I get that he’s not been working much last year due to health… but damn, why it’s only me who has to do the effort? I’m doing my best to change but it’s painful!
Got to spend the night at my grandma’s, the weird thing is that I slept well.
I’m taking my meds, they do help. Got an appointment about two weeks ago. I talked about what was going on at school, that I was sad and frustrated and doing almost nothing. I start taking meds for help with depression. I’m already talked to the director/psychologist of the place where I study and I think need to get an appointment with her too.
I hate violence, I don’t want to become monster, I just have an hard time dealing with so much by myself.