Anybody Got a Torch?

Hi

Background:

I’m 27 years old female and have been diagnosed with ADD since I was 7.

That was shortly after my parents got divorced. My father was a jerk and soon lost visitation rights so I never saw him again.

He had ADD and Bipolar, but refused to take any medications for it. He preferred alcohol.

I don’t have many memories of him since I struggled with paying attention and was constantly entertaining myself in “La-la Land”.

Yeah, I was a very oblivious kid which made me his favorite. It was also obvious that between the three of us (I have two sisters) I was most like him.

My amazing mother has always been by my side, taking me to therapist and psychiatrist, trying to understand why I think the way I do. I have always been able to look to her for help.

Today:

Recently things in our lives have been getting more stressful. My mom is getting older and I still tell her my struggles and try to explain the emotional difficulties I am having. (Note I am not the most coherent talker and do have a tendency to ramble). But I still feel compelled to talk to her about my problems.

My mom finally snapped and admitted that she just tunes me out whenever I talk to her. She told me “Go find a therapist to talk to! It’s grow up time!”

I know I should talk to a therapist. I have spent years and years going to less than helpful therapist because they took my insurance.

I have tried to find a therapist near me, online, etc. But they don’t know how to help someone without a cookie cutter issue. I have no problem talking about my personal life, I’ve been to a lot of different therapist, but I’m not stupid and I can tell when they are killing time cause they don’t understand my situation and issues.

I trusted my mom. Now I find out that the one person I have turned to my whole life is too tired to even listen to me. Ever since then I have felt so betrayed and angry. I have lashed out and now my mom refuses to listen to me because I remind her of my father.

Problem:

I feel like I’m trying to climb out of a cave with no source of light and completely alone, because the one person who had a torch has walked away.

Sorry that was a bit depressing, I promise the next post will have at least one pun in it. I just can’t think of any right now :confused:

3 Likes

Hi @Hopeful! Welcome to the community :blush: it’s really hard when you can’t find the help you need but you got this! This community is huge and I have a feeling someone here will have a torch for you. Good luck :heart::heart::heart:

Ps: looking forward to the puns!

OOF, that is a rough one. On one hand, we all should try to listen to the troubles of those we love, but on the other hand, we also need breaks from that so it’s a hard thing to balance. Now if I throw suggestions out please let me know if it’s something you’ve already tried, I don’t know what you have and have no tried so I’m unable to tailor things out. :slight_smile:

(I’ll get to therapy in a moment)

Have you tried asking your Mom if she’s in a good place to handle a vent about struggle? “Hey I’m struggling a bit - could I vent to you for a second?” That way you’re checking in with her to see if she’s emotionally available and you’re offering her the chance to be honest and possibly say no.

Also do you talk to her about non-struggle things? I’m assuming you do but want to ask to make sure. But making a point of just having a good chat about good things in between the struggle-vents are good as well, it makes it feel more balanced.

Now, as for therapy, that’s a hard one because of the struggle of finding a therapist that works for you… and your insurance. Have you seen the HTADHD videos on therapy? If not I’ve got them linked before:


These are great in explaining the different kinds of therapy, as well as, ways to find more affordable therapy as well - such as finding therapists with sliding scale fees (meaning the less you make, the less their prices are to you). I won’t go into detail about the different kinds of therapy since the videos do that for me. :grin:

I would definitely recommend trying to find a therapist that really works for you, even if you therapist hop for a while. It’s frustrating but it will make finding the right therapist worth all the trouble. :heart:

As for your Mom, I don’t really know what to say. It depends on if you want to ever confide in her again.

As for your struggles, feel free to ask for some help here. :heart: It’s why we’re here. You give us a problem and I’m sure you’ll get at least four different ways to try and cope with a struggle. :grin: ADHD can be a hard one because there is no one right answer for everything. Every brain is different, every ADHD manifestation is different, and what works for everyone can be veeery different. But it definitely isn’t impossible. :wink:

We have #support:i-need-a-quarter and of course, support where we are now, for when you need encouragement and when you’re struggling.

We have #toolbox for when you need a tool! If you find yourself struggling with something specific and want some advice on how to cope with it, you can post in there!

And of course we have #community in general where you can just hang out with the rest of us and chat about whatever interests you! Talk about hobbies, or your favorite animal, or chat about where you’d like to visit one day! Just anything :heart:

I’m sorry you’re going through this - it’s hard and it’s harder when you don’t feel supported. But we are definitely here for you and we would love to help you with coping strategies and such. :hugs:

2 Likes

Ouch! Doesn’t really sound like the sort of support that a mother “ought” to be giving! :frowning:

But then, I think I experienced something similar from my parents at one time or another, and yet I know they still love me and I know I still love them.

[Well, you don’t need to know the specifics. I used to rant on and on about one particular topic which they felt I was dead-wrong on. At the time, I really needed SOMEONE to listen to me, because the issues which I resented were pressing very very hard on my insides trying to get out. I didn’t even know that therapists existed, or that they were the probably reasonable choice for people to talk to when you have tired out your friends and family, and I didn’t have a diagnosis of anything at the time. So I continued, more out of lack of better options, to rant in my parents’ direction(s). In the decade or so since then, they have come around to my point of view about a lot of those things, but that’s because society as a whole has shifted from making assumptions about it to actually addressing and allowing alternate viewpoints. It didn’t really harm my relationship with them. As I cooled off the topic, I therefore stopped ranting at them so much, and stopped begging for them to sympathize and listen and come up with understanding in a supportive emotional sense, as well as a different kind of understanding in an intellectual sense of how to solve the problems. Got no solutions, but my concerns about it faded. They don’t seem to hold it against me (not too much, anyway … ). I still feel the grave injustices, about which I had been ranting, had actually been done and had not been addressed, yes, so it’s not like I’ve changed my mind or come to disagree with my positions in the rants back then. But I have grown into an ability to calm myself about those injustices, rather than announce their existence to whomever happens to be in ear-shot. Both a good development, for my own self-control would have been impossible without the opportunity to rant it out for a while; but also a bad development, because the wrongs, the injustices, the unhappinesses, all went unaddressed, except for my rants out loud. Nobody fixed anything; nothing got done; few if any people who heard me even understood my position, much less noticed the preponderance of self-evident proof which I was pointing out to them; and further generations suffer similarly. Much annoyance, deep breath, can’t fix it.

What was I complaining about? Well, it’s not necessary to know, in order to understand that my experience and yours have parallels. I will share it if someone insists but really, I’d rather not. As I said, I still hold my previous position(s) about those social wrongs, but I don’t find that my position is often viewed with much charity or tolerance by onlookers or listeners, professional or not, so any further clarification will have to be under the guise of making clear the old points, not trying to defend them anew.]

So, important to note, even if there’s a great divide between the rant-ER and the rant-EES, it’s possible, and likely, that the relationship will survive. Just manage the love-you-anyway parts, is my suggestion. :slight_smile:

Why did you have to ignite my curiosity :(! I want to know… but I wouldn’t be able to promise that I won’t have a rebuttal if it’s something I disagree with :p. Even then, I’m curious and respectful :3…

Heh, you replied before I finished editing, Eon. Didn’t mean to pique curiosity, I think it’s still a rant-worthy issue for me, that heretofore-un-named issue, it gets me started on writing up long paragraphs and posting too much of their blather on the internet …