So, some months ago I started in a ‘government program’ for people with diagnoses, who has trouble finding and keeping jobs. I just turned 35 and I have been in SO MANY of these programs and similar programs for the past, I don’t know…10 years at least?
Anyway, This time is the first time I’m in a program like this after I got diagnosed this January! So, in a way, this feels completely different than all the other times. I feel so much more motivated, I’ve put in more responsibility and completed more tasks/homeworks etc than I’ve ever done before.
Now however I am in the stage of this program where I’m ‘ready’ to look for internships (and hopefully have it lead to a job).
And I am terrified.
I’m really scared, guys! I’m contacting companies and doing my part of this work, but I’m scared because I have SO MUCH (as I feel like) failure behind me. And yes, I keep telling myself that: Now I know why I have ‘failed’ all those years, Now I am much more concerned about taking care of myself and how to live with ADD… but I’m terrified to talk to companies about my ADD. And yes, I KNOW that is one of the purposes of this program: That I have a coach that helps me through exactly that part, but I’m still scared that I won’t be able to function at a job, even with this new support and knowledge I have!
I’ve always struggled with being ‘perfect on the first try’ and I know it never works that way, but it keeps me super-scared and I want to not continue to move forward now I know this is a threshold I need to cross, but I am so scared of failing again and end up feeling like ‘wow, this didn’t work as I thought it would, eventhough I know more about myself’.
Has anyone been in a position like this?
What happened? I guess you took that step over the threshold anyway? I’m scared of being rejected by companies eventhough they will get to know about my ADD, just because they will basically be my first ‘try-out-ground’ with all this new information I have about myself.
Today I slept until 5 in the afternoon, because I’ve had so much (for me) going on these past days: Having my family over to celebrate my birthday, re-arranged my apartment, being stressed out over a new apartment (that I had to say no to and thus got depressed over)… and today when I woke up at 5 in the afternoon and had missed out on a meeting I was gonna have, I felt like “I’m not ready for a job/internship, I can’t regulate when I need time off so I won’t have days in the middle of the week where I just sleep all day” etc…
I don’t have any routine in my life, and going on an internship feels like exactly what I NEED and WANT to do, but I’m so scared I will ‘mess up’ too many times (i.e oversleep, be late, sleep a whole day)
And I feel like, if I say these things to a company, why would they even want me there?
I will talk to my coach on my meeting with him tomorrow about all of this and see what he says, but at the same time, I want support and thoughts from other Brains about this. Hence why I’ve written this big post…