Can I get a hug? (Doing better now, but hugs are always welcome)

I’m writing this here because it’s the holidays, the few friends I have are either busy or not right for this kind of conversation, and all the people that help and support me professionally are having a (well deserved) break.
So my choice is to turn here, a little place that has given me a feeling of comfort and safety.
The only ADHD relation here is that both me and a person I had a conflict with today have ADHD/ADD, the rest is pretty much just whatever’s on my heart, because it needs to pour somewhere.
I hope that’s okay.

I have been through a lot in my life so far, a lot of it was good, a lot of it was just plain abuse. I have, with one exception, exclusively been attracted to women who repeated the latter part in some shape or form.
I don’t know if it’s a part of me that hopes I can change history somehow, if I subconsciously fear I don’t deserve any better, or if it’s the only place my mind thinks some form of love can exist.

Whatever the details of it are, I do believe it’s because over centuries our brains have evolved for survival, and not for happiness.
Luckily I can count relentless optimism as one of my blessings, even though sometimes I can only see the rain, I have always fought for tomorrow, and a better ‘some day’, and this year it seems I may have finally started making a steady, real path towards that ‘some day’.
But more on that in another post, I’m writing this because my fear of “people will be there for me as long as it suits them” has been triggered.

I had made new year’s plans with a friend of mine a couple months back. A fantastic woman that made me all tingly in my stomach, a woman who actually is different. Still flawed, mostly in the sense of impulse control, we all know that drill, but ultimately a good person.
And she was in a relationship, which is something I’m not going to mess with, I believe that would be arrogant and condescending.
I’m not the type to quietly wait and hope until I get ‘my chance’ either, she’s off the market and that’s it for me. I enjoy a good friend either way.

She broke up with her partner of a couple years three weeks ago.
It was rough for her, so I’m not going swing my junk around hoping she’ll sleep with me, have my children, and live happily ever after.
I put alarms on my phone to check up on her and scattered general happiness across her day for the last few weeks.
I asked her about new years, she said she didn’t know what she would be doing but she’d love it if I joined in whatever it would be.
And she surprised me with a Christmas tree when she found out I didn’t have any money to buy one, which I think is just amazing.

Then she talked about going on dates with people on dating sites, more power to her and it meant I could start looking for an opening to have a conversation with her and see if she enjoyed the idea of some day making the most ADHD children the world has ever known.
Then she told me she invited her second date to spend the night with her, and that she sees a real future with him.
A little quick she admitted, but he was just so amazing.
So on the 26th, about two or three days of being way too f-ing nervous later, I just had to do it, I just had to have that conversation.

She wasn’t interested.
Which hurt, a lot, but it’s something I can deal with. I mean, I’m already happy there wasn’t any police involved, we just had a civil conversation, not that I expected anything worse than that.
We joked a bit about how I could now start telling her thing like “I told you I’m the best for you.” whenever she has a fight with a partner, and we both put effort into keeping a healthy forward momentum between the two of us.

I have powerful dose of “seasonal affective disorder” and it can be hard for me to keep all of my emotions together when the evening starts, and the idea of never getting to wake up next to her at night, curl up my body around her and fall asleep again ‘didn’t help’.

But imagining a guy she knew for a week or so did get that chance completely gutted me.
Now, I’m not shaming her for it, or saying it’s a bad thing for her to enjoy another person.

It’s just… stuff.
And in the morning I’m good again, strong enough to take on the day and make it as productive as I can.

Aaaand then she told me she’s going to his place on new year’s tomorrow.
Now that’s really not F-ing cool.

I’m censoring myself pretty hard here, but F— that she makes me feel whatever.
Dumping a friend you’ve make plans with one day before new years to spend it with a person you’re known less than two weeks?
That is just not F-ing flying in my book.
That’s considering whether it hurts me enough or not to make the day better for yourself.
Doesn’t matter who did that, I would still be mad as hell.

Yes, she has ADD, and impulse control issues. But no, just no.

So I’m left here, with my fear that everyone will just leave if the situation suits them.
And I’m scared I can only repeat history, the rest is for other people.
I know that’s my baggage, and it makes parts of this bigger than it is.
But it makes me feel so alone.

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I am so sorry. It’s super rough, but she doesn’t sound like a great friend. Ditching a friend at a time like NYE is rude.
Ok you didn’t have solid plans… but you had plans. It is selfish of her.

My suggestion would be first and foremost some counselling/therapy for you. Also, try googling the freedom project. I think it might be aimed at women, I’m not sure. But if you find yourself repeatedly having unhealthy relationships then it is something you can change.

I hope that you manage to have a great time and can look forward to a new year and many new opportunities :tulip:

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Thank you. :heart:

I’m generally good on the therapy front, we’ve been working really hard the last two years, I’m on an average of four appointments with different people a week right now, it’s pretty intense.

I have much more positive things I can be happy and proud of than I have had in at least 18 years.
I have to actively keep that in mind because it’s a little difficult to connect with when my brain goes like this.

I think I found the website, I’ll take a look at it.

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I don’t know what to say, but hugs :blush:

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I’m sending you hugs too

I also have a very lonely season this year. I have only one friend, and she’s toxic to me. But she has a boyfriend now so all her free time goes to him. I have my parents. But I would love to spend time with someone else then my parents during the holidays. So you’re not the only one who feels lonely right now. I need some hugs too.

Let’s be lonely together. That’s better then being lonely by yourself :wink:
(Sends some more hugs)

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Hugs Bubbles
I’ll tell you what, at midnight I’ll say “Happy New Years, Bubbles” out loud.
We might be strangers at the other side of the world, but it’s nice to be in someone’s thoughts on new year.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, where I’ll be, or with whom, but it’s morning and I’m going to kick today’s ass!

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Thanks for the hugs @ConfusedbutADHDandLD & @Ashley_Becraft :heart:

It means a lot to me.

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I’ll do the same here. Probably right after the fireworks I’ll go on here and give you a personal happy new year :tada::tada::tada:

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Fantastic, I hope you get to enjoy your evening, however it goes.
That goes for everyone.

I found some friends who would love my company.
The venting and the love helped, I’ve been able to keep my head straight (enough) and I might even have fun some fun tonight.

I love you guys for being here, just doing this has been a tremendous ‘lifesaver’.

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A lot of us make bad decisions after breakups. We’re still wounded, vulnerable, and lonely. We often cling, and we also don’t do things that are in our best interests. I’m not sure if that’s where she’s at, but it could be. In which case, all isn’t necessarily lost. On a very real point, it would be dangerous to start a long-lasting relationship so soon after a breakup too. Without having appropriate time to have that baggage sorted out, it would negatively impact the relationship. As a friend I imagine it must be hard to see her making these choices, but add to that the feelings you have for her and it makes it so much worse.

It sounds like you value the friendship no matter what. So, as painful as it will be, it’s good to continue to be a support for her. You can set limits with her, though. You can tell her you don’t want to hear about their sex life or about their dates. You can still be supportive without having to be her shoulder to cry on too. Find whatever limits make it healthy for you to remain in her life as a friend. And who knows what happens in the future? Sometimes a good lasting friendship is the rock foundation to a longer lasting love. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes men and women can be friends.

Whatever happens, sending warm thoughts your way. Heartache is no easy burden. I hope your heart heals as quickly as it can, and mends stronger because of the work you’re doing now.

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Yeah, I pretty much agree with you there.
And she started limiting herself on these conversation without asking, that’s very considerate.

She is a very kind woman, being a d*ck every once in a while doesn’t change that.
But we will have a good talk about this next week, because I won’t tolerate this.

I don’t know how that’ll go, but it’s today and not next week so I’ll let it go and enjoy this one.

And thank you. :heart:

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I feel your pain, but may I add a but?

Not only is she emotional because of breakup and emotional because luvved up - you are also emotional because she is not ‘just’ a friend: you have strong feelings for her and a) she knows it and b) they’re not reciprocated.

Think about if this were you: you’re feeling all loved up about a new relationship and someone you thought was just a friend has just told you they’re in love with you. Would you really want to spend New Years Eve with both of them in the same room?

You still get the virtual hug from me (if you still want it after I said something you probably didn’t want to hear :confused:) because it sucks to be rejected and to have your hopes crushed.

I think a friendship is salvageable out of all this, but the best way to achieve that may be some distance for a bit until your feelings calm down :kissing_closed_eyes:

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I fired some fireworks for you last night. Idk where you live, but over here it’s 2020. 10.27 am :joy::joy:

Happy new year :tada::tada::tada:

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Happy new years. ^ _ ^

I didn’t do fireworks, but I did have a great evening, I hope it was good there too.

@Lustforlife

I absolutely agree on both points, she is going through things, and I am.
I’m not angry at how it made me feel, just because I feel hurt doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong.
But sympathy and understanding only mitigates the situation, it doesn’t negate that my anger is justified.
Consciously sacrificing someone else’s happiness for your own gain is not a trait I want to see in the people I let into my heart. To me, or anyone else.

And yes, the possibility is there that she felt uncomfortable with me.
Which, again, would only be mitigating factor.
[ edit ] (If she did it because of her discomfort, it’s still done for the gain of her comfort at the cost of a friend’s)

The main would like to find out now is; if this was a choice made against her core values, but she did anyway because of her circumstances, which I can feel empathy for.
Or if she believes this is justifiably the right way to behave, in which case I may have made an error in my judgement.

I’ll let her do her own thing for now, but we will have a talk about this when we both had some time to cool down.

But the post I made here was because of the emotions I was feeling, I can only blame her for a small part of that, the rest of it was my baggage.

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You’re most welcome :purple_heart:

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Come back anytime . . . :heart:

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Oh, I’m not gone. :innocent:

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