I’m writing this here because it’s the holidays, the few friends I have are either busy or not right for this kind of conversation, and all the people that help and support me professionally are having a (well deserved) break.
So my choice is to turn here, a little place that has given me a feeling of comfort and safety.
The only ADHD relation here is that both me and a person I had a conflict with today have ADHD/ADD, the rest is pretty much just whatever’s on my heart, because it needs to pour somewhere.
I hope that’s okay.
I have been through a lot in my life so far, a lot of it was good, a lot of it was just plain abuse. I have, with one exception, exclusively been attracted to women who repeated the latter part in some shape or form.
I don’t know if it’s a part of me that hopes I can change history somehow, if I subconsciously fear I don’t deserve any better, or if it’s the only place my mind thinks some form of love can exist.
Whatever the details of it are, I do believe it’s because over centuries our brains have evolved for survival, and not for happiness.
Luckily I can count relentless optimism as one of my blessings, even though sometimes I can only see the rain, I have always fought for tomorrow, and a better ‘some day’, and this year it seems I may have finally started making a steady, real path towards that ‘some day’.
But more on that in another post, I’m writing this because my fear of “people will be there for me as long as it suits them” has been triggered.
I had made new year’s plans with a friend of mine a couple months back. A fantastic woman that made me all tingly in my stomach, a woman who actually is different. Still flawed, mostly in the sense of impulse control, we all know that drill, but ultimately a good person.
And she was in a relationship, which is something I’m not going to mess with, I believe that would be arrogant and condescending.
I’m not the type to quietly wait and hope until I get ‘my chance’ either, she’s off the market and that’s it for me. I enjoy a good friend either way.
She broke up with her partner of a couple years three weeks ago.
It was rough for her, so I’m not going swing my junk around hoping she’ll sleep with me, have my children, and live happily ever after.
I put alarms on my phone to check up on her and scattered general happiness across her day for the last few weeks.
I asked her about new years, she said she didn’t know what she would be doing but she’d love it if I joined in whatever it would be.
And she surprised me with a Christmas tree when she found out I didn’t have any money to buy one, which I think is just amazing.
Then she talked about going on dates with people on dating sites, more power to her and it meant I could start looking for an opening to have a conversation with her and see if she enjoyed the idea of some day making the most ADHD children the world has ever known.
Then she told me she invited her second date to spend the night with her, and that she sees a real future with him.
A little quick she admitted, but he was just so amazing.
So on the 26th, about two or three days of being way too f-ing nervous later, I just had to do it, I just had to have that conversation.
She wasn’t interested.
Which hurt, a lot, but it’s something I can deal with. I mean, I’m already happy there wasn’t any police involved, we just had a civil conversation, not that I expected anything worse than that.
We joked a bit about how I could now start telling her thing like “I told you I’m the best for you.” whenever she has a fight with a partner, and we both put effort into keeping a healthy forward momentum between the two of us.
I have powerful dose of “seasonal affective disorder” and it can be hard for me to keep all of my emotions together when the evening starts, and the idea of never getting to wake up next to her at night, curl up my body around her and fall asleep again ‘didn’t help’.
But imagining a guy she knew for a week or so did get that chance completely gutted me.
Now, I’m not shaming her for it, or saying it’s a bad thing for her to enjoy another person.
It’s just… stuff.
And in the morning I’m good again, strong enough to take on the day and make it as productive as I can.
Aaaand then she told me she’s going to his place on new year’s tomorrow.
Now that’s really not F-ing cool.
I’m censoring myself pretty hard here, but F— that she makes me feel whatever.
Dumping a friend you’ve make plans with one day before new years to spend it with a person you’re known less than two weeks?
That is just not F-ing flying in my book.
That’s considering whether it hurts me enough or not to make the day better for yourself.
Doesn’t matter who did that, I would still be mad as hell.
Yes, she has ADD, and impulse control issues. But no, just no.
So I’m left here, with my fear that everyone will just leave if the situation suits them.
And I’m scared I can only repeat history, the rest is for other people.
I know that’s my baggage, and it makes parts of this bigger than it is.
But it makes me feel so alone.