The last five days have been rough.
Seven days ago, I got an unexpected and very welcome raise at work. My performance review was far better than I anticipated, and for 2 days I was feeling like I must have got this ADHD thing beat. A lil Adderall and a positive attitude was all it took
I managed to upset my SO Friday night. She finally unloaded a series of grievances that have been bothering her for a while, and at every single point I could see very plainly how I had f***ed up. I’ve been aware of the tension for several weeks. But, instead of doing what I logically know I should have done and draw it out of her, I “ignored” it because either a) I was too afraid of the possible rejection to voluntarily go into that conversation, or b) my scatter-brain was on some other topic and blissfully ignorant of the whole situation.
So she explained how some of my behaviors have had a negative impact on her. When she draws my attention to them, it seems so painfully obvious that that’s not something you do to people you care about. My favorite example is getting defensive and talking over her when she tries to point out something I forgot to do. If I saw someone else do that, I would call them out for being a disrespectful little shit. I do it, and best case is I realize it a year later when the memory randomly pops into my head when I really need to be falling asleep right now.
I can’t stop asking what the hell is wrong with me. How am I the biggest piece of shit human I know, despite all my efforts to be otherwise? I try to remind myself, this is RSD and emotional dysregulation, you’re hyperfocusing on the negative, fucking stop doing that, you know better. It’s not helping -_-
wat do. I feel like I’m incapable of being a good partner. It bleeds into everything else. “You probably didn’t deserve that raise, either.” I kinda want to drink myself into a hole for a while, but I can’t justify spending the money on alcohol, so I don’t even get that unhealthy outlet ffffffffffffffffffffffffff