Changes are a-coming (preparing to move)

I’m preparing for a cross-country move. As a newly divorced dad to two kids under 10 years old, I’m moving to be nearby where their mom moved. It’s my decision to do so. When the divorce was final back in January, my ex-wife made her plans go move to the east coast of the United States. (She divorced me because she fell in love with someone else…but that’s a different story.) She didn’t actually move until the beginning of March. Our child custody agreement is 50/50 time with the kids.

Before she left, I decided that it would be much better for the kids (and my own self) if I was close enough that we can exchange the kids on a weekly basis, instead of waiting for months. When I started telling family, friends and colleagues about my decision to move there as well, some people were very opinionated. A few gave me their views that I should have fought every aspect of the divorce, including suing for full custody of the kids. I couldn’t do that. Their mom isn’t abusive, she isn’t toxic (though she can be a little difficult to be around at times). I know she’s overall a good mom; she means well, when it comes to raising them.

According to my own values, it’s best for the kids to have both mom and dad in their life, for both of us to be involved in raising them, as long as neither parent is causing them harm (physically, emotionally, etc). I’ve got to stick to my values, not what people were brow-beating me that I should do. (You’d think that they were the ones who were cheated on and divorced…this is my life, and thus my decision. Two of those three people haven’t talked to me since. The third is a member of my family tree, and has changed their view to accepting that this is my decision, and loving all of us…even my ex-wife…regardless.)

So, I’ve got a lot to get done in the next 24 hours:

  • Take the things I’m keeping to a storage unit that I decided to get at the last minute (no surprise).
  • Load my car with all the things going to the garbage dump (mostly furniture that I couldn’t offload on anyone…it’s a shame).
  • Clean as much as I can tonight. (I’ll probably be up until midnight.)
  • Get up early in the morning and get ready for the day (I’d better remember to take my meds…I forgot this morning and took them this afternoon. It’s a good thing I’m not on stimulants.)
  • Take the stuff to the dump.
  • Load up the car with the stuff going to second-hand stores, and deliver.
  • Finish cleaning the house.
  • Move into my temporary accommodations in the office in my parents’ house. (I think that room is mostly to keep some of my grandma’s stuff that she moved in will, that was in her office in her old house. She can’t see well enough to email anymore, so she gave up using her computer and stationary. She engages a lot in conversation and listening to audio books now. My parents have to read her mail to her out loud, and my mom takes dictation for grandma’s reply letters, although she always writes something personally in her now bigger-than-a-kindergartener’s scrawl…God bless her!)

I’ve got almost 4 more weeks until my last day at work (unless I get a job offer I have to jump on right away). I’m hoping to do remote work, so that I can keep up my end with homeschooling my kids.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a major move in my life. I don’t think it will be the last.


(BTW - If I haven’t made it clear in earlier posts…I still love my ex-wife as much as I ever have. She admits that she still loves me, too, though she’s not “in love” with me, and that she’s “in love with” the other man. According to relationship experts and social scientists, those relationships that bloom from an affair almost always fail, in time. We’ll see… I’m not going there so I can interfere with their relationship. I’ve got too much integrity and too much self-respect to do so. But my kids, well I love them as any parent should…I’d go to the ends of the earth for them. I would for their mom, too, because she means that much to me as a person. Her family of origin wrote her off, but I never will. I just won’t be turning into a toxic-jerk-of-an-ex-husband, not ever.)

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@j_d_aengus Best of luck to you for your near term move to the East coast and continuing your life journey there. Hang loose and stay strong! Before you know it, this phase will be in the past! We are always here for you!

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Thanks. I know I can count on this community.

I know we all go through changes. I guess I’m getting myself psyched up for this.

I’m coming up with plans of things I want to do differently with my kids. I want to encourage their imaginations more, and foster their own ADHD strengths.

I’m convinced all my kids had ADHD in varying degrees.

  • My grown step-daughter had all the hallmarks of moderate Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation, though I didn’t know enough at the time to know it was ADHD. She’s mellowed, but it’s still there.
  • My grown son is almost exactly like me in inattentiveness.
  • My younger son seems to be Combined, and his mom has said things lately that make me think she’s realizing that it’s not just him reacting to the family and life changes. (At 9 years old, his ADHD traits seem to be growing more intense.)
  • And my youngest daughter seems to be a bit Inattentive, with perhaps a smidge of impulsivity.

Now that I recognize ADHD when I see it, and I’m learning more about it, I’m dedicated to doing the best I can to raise my younger kids to make the best they can of their ADHD traits.

On my list of to-do’s in my new life, I’m going to get some ADHD coaching, probably from the ADHD reWired coaching program. I’ve also had the idea of training as an ADHD coach myself, with a certification program I found. (Life coaching, with a specialization in ADHD coaching…I plan to do this as a sideline career, and still work in information technology as my primary career.)

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i am glad you’ll be with your children again.

good luck with your move. i hope you’ll have some time to rest and enjoy with the kids when you get to your new home.

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