Cleaning - anger and arguments

So!

This is part vent and part questions for tips.

I guess the first part is going to be a bit of a ramble. First I think I might have some ODD symptoms, as I can’t stand being told what to do when it comes to cleaning and such. Like if someone comes to tell me to go clean I will flat out refuse, because I really don’t want to do it just because they told me to. When people then keep bugging me, I end up getting really upset. Like today I ended up fighting with my sister. It is partly because she just refuses to see what I have done for her. I have cleaned up after her, done her laundry, driven her to meet her friends - you know been a mom. So when she came today and told me to do the dishes, because she was going to cook and she doesn’t like doing the dishes. I told her no, I’m not doing it. And she just kept getting on my case, calling me a five-year-old because I continued to refuse. And then she tries to go all adult on me, treat me like a child and kept patronizing me, despite me telling her to please lay off me and leave me alone, as I’m really upset and when she asks me why, I told her that I have ADHD, this is part of my struggle and I just need her to leave me alone, so that I can calm down, and that I will do the dishes later. She then keeps telling me to take my anti-anxiety medication, and I have no idea what she is thinking, because I’m angry not anxious and that is not going to help me.

So now that the vent is over, here comes the questions.

  1. Does anyone else expirence anger over being told what to do? (does not need to be about cleaning)
  2. How do you nip it in the bud and stop it from blowing up?
  3. How do you teach yourself to be less stubborn regarding things like this?
  4. For the adults out there, with ADHD. Have any of you also experienced this being treated like a child by others around you?
  5. If 4, how do you stop yourself from blowing up on them and resenting them? (Because I guess I love my sister, but everytime she or others treats me like that I just can’t help myself from letting that resentment build up)
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[quote=“Butterkitten, post:1, topic:8093”]

  • Does anyone else expirence anger over being told what to do? (does not need to be about cleaning)
    YES

  • How do you nip it in the bud and stop it from blowing up? By walking away until I calm down

  • How do you teach yourself to be less stubborn regarding things like this? Have not been very good in doing that.

  • For the adults out there, with ADHD. Have any of you also experienced this being treated like a child by others around you? Not really. More of a problem for me is reacting like a child; expecting to be granted what I want . . . immediately. Taking criticism like a child and creating that feeling.

  • If 4, how do you stop yourself from blowing up on them and resenting them? Walking away until I calm down. And in a more preventative strategy, MEDITATE and AEROBIC EXERCISE.

Typically, ADHD does not go away as one gets older. I’m a “poster child” in that regard. I’m 73 (diagnosed at 53)!

PS: WELCOME to a great forum. See you around! :sunglasses:

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  1. Absolutely… I HATE being told what to do and will sometimes do something just because someone doesn’t want me to or not do something just because someone wants me to (especially if they’re physically preventing me from doing the thing or if they’re demanding that I do the thing). As a teenager, it got to the point where I REFUSED to tidy up, clean, do dishes, etc. if anyone else was home or nearby.
  2. I have to physically separate myself from the person who is telling me what to do… even if it’s just by going in my room and closing the door so that there’s a physical barrier between that person and myself.
  3. LOL, I don’t… I simply tell people not to TELL me what to do, but ASK me instead (it is a lot easier to not get mad about a REQUEST that is made in a calm, nice tone/manner). Like… who do you think you are, my mommy or daddy?! I don’t even let THEM boss me around. It’s condescending and rude, IMHO, to boss someone around, especially if it’s an adult (or a child) demanding something from another (an) adult. So this, for me, is a boundary of sorts – I can’t keep someone from speaking to me in a tone or manner I do not like, but I CAN refuse to react/respond if I am being spoken to in a way that I do not like.
  4. Yes… and it’s highly irritating… to have someone treat me as though I’m somehow less than or incapable.
  5. See numbers 1 through 3. And I make my boundaries very clear, sometimes stating them out loud… and making it known that speaking to me in a way that is not what I’d consider to be “nice” will definitely NOT get that person what (s)he wants from me. At the same time, even if someone asks nicely, it’s still my prerogative to say “no”. I find that people generally change when they stop getting what they want by behaving in a way that I find to be unacceptable.
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Absolutely, and one of my kids does it too. Even a reminder can have the same effect, not that I always blow up but my whole body stiffens and it’s like a shutter comes down in front of the positive mood or direction and the only way to go is negative, unproductive and irritated.

And this is described really well in Jessica’s Wall of Awful videos, including some good tips on the kind of questions people can ask which might be more helpful.

For me it REALLY helps if it’s a question rather than an instruction, and if it’s somehow a neutral question. ‘Have you done x yet?’ in a way that to me sounds like that person thinks I should have done it is NOT a neutral question :joy:

Edited to add:
Actually I know this makes me quite difficult to live with :flushed:. Even ‘do you have any plans for the day?’ can trigger a negative reaction some days, especially when I am putting off a task I am ‘hiding from’ (this is exactly what ‘wall of awful’ is about)…

I think I need to watch that video again today…:flushed::sweat_smile::kissing_closed_eyes: (thanks for this very indirect reminder! :joy:)

2nd Edit: it’s all about feeling judged. That’s what triggers it for me.

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OMG i get sooo angry when im doing hoover and my mum says do it under the carpet aswell and just becuase of that ill be pushing the hoover so hard and feel soo irritated and angry inside and we can have a argument just becuase of it, is this ODD?

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Not really . . . :sunglasses:

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I spent 6+ hours on Saturday cleaning. I was just going to clear the kitchen table but one thing led to another… I got a lot done but the kitchen table didn’t get clear :slight_smile: For me this seems to be the key. Starting on a small task that’ll take just a few minutes is far easier and often that leads to doing more. If I try tackling the large job first, I just don’t get started. The wall of awful.

Getting mad at “being told” is probably pretty common for us. I suspect the underlying needs are autonomy (we are capable of doing this ourselves, just not on your schedule!), respect (wanting to be treated as an equal), peace (not wanting to be bugged when our brain is busy elsewhere), understood etc. Connecting my reactions to feelings to the underlying needs took a lot of practice but it does help. Compassion for others (as well as myself) also helped in nipping such anger in the bud. And walking away rather than blowing up gives me a chance to apply what I learned and avoid the danger of saying something that can hurt the other person or break the relationship. But it is a lifelong battle. Harder when I haven’t had enough sleep or if I am under stress or tired.

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