Could use advice on asking someone out.

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#1

Hey it’s been awhile since I been on here. Honestly totally forgot about this page till well just now and realized I can ask this here.

Recently with work and stuff I been going to Starbucks after, ik not healthy but lemme explain. The first few times was cause I wanted a drink but then I met someone and now I go just to see her. I do like this person but am having a horrible time getting over my anxiety to ask her if she even wants to get lunch or something. I have talked to her a couple times to get to know her which is what I usually resort to instead of opening up an asking her to lunch or a date. Ik this isn’t something major or anything just needed someone’s advice on how to get over the anxiety and fear of rejection. I have given her a necklace but that was for her birthday and trust me even that I was about to not do.

I know this isn’t urgent or anything and loads of other people on here going through worse so I can be patient and wait, just wondering how I can get rid of the anxiety and fear to be able to ask this person out.

Thanks for your time and have a good day. Your friend Jordan.

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#2

All aspects of life are important, and you are important. Dating advice isn’t really in my repertoire. I’ve only asked out to women in my whole life. One had previously asked me out. The other declined politely, because she already had a boyfriend. (I wound up married to the first girl for 20 years.)

Anxiety, I can speak to a bit. I used to be paralyzed by it often, and still become hesitant because of it sometimes.

The best advice I can give is to use the direct approach.
Say something like, “Hey, I like you, and I’d like to get to know you better. Would you like to go to lunch with me sometime?”

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#3

@j_d_aengus Thanks, id love to just say it but the fear and anxiety just seem overwhelming you know. Like yea I know the only way to get over it is to just do it but to be honest just talking to people seem impossible sometimes let alone open up about myself a little bit. I know it won’t go away or anything just having a tough time with overcoming the anxiety over just talking to her. Thanks though I’ll probably have to just blurt it out and hope I don’t scare her or something.

#4

Well yes. Your choice is basically:

Ask her and you might get rejected and feel bad. Or you might not…

Or

Never ask her and never know what her reaction would have been and ultimately feel worse.

Looking back I regret all those times I didn’t ask a lot more than the times I did.

Good luck!

PS: best way to get rid of rejection is the same as any anxiety: exposure! (And yes, it’s easier said than done…)

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#5

Yes, I definitely know, because fear and anxiety have kept me from doing so much in life.

It’s often the fact of the matter that many things are “simple, but not easy”.

I apologize if I made it sound easy, because I know it’s not. It’s a very difficult thing to put your heart at risk.

And for us, even making simple requests, such as “can I get a little extra cream in my coffee” can feel challenging, because we don’t want to receive a “no” to something as simple as that.

Rejection sensitivity is very common with ADHD.

Sorry if I seemed flippant, when I merely wanted to sound encouraging.

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#6

@j_d_aengus your fine I sorta understood what you where getting at just struggling trying to push myself to do this or even think of doing it as she’s on vacation till next week. And your right when I was in kindergarten I got scared to even ask to use the bathroom because of that fear of hearing no and stuff so yea it does cause problems. Thanks for the pep talk I’ll try to push past this anxiety and hopefully ask her out.

@JayJay you got a point I would be more upset not putting it out there maybe I will. I hate anxiety so much lol makes everything difficult.

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#7

Is she another customer, or does she work there? It does make a difference to what recommendation is appropriate, and it’s not clear from your post (unless I missed something).

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#8

My advice for asking people out:

  • Don’t ask your cashier, server, et al. out on a date. This person is paid to interact with you and be friendly. They also can’t walk away if you make them uncomfortable. Try to meet people in social contexts.
  • Ask in a low pressure way: keep your tone light and ask the same way you’d ask a friend if they want to get pizza. “Hey, I was wondering if you want to go out some time.”
  • Ask in an environment/situation that has many safety cues for the other person: they can easily walk away from you, the area is well lit, etc.
  • Give the person your contact information instead of asking for theirs.
  • If the person says no, maybe, or that they’ll let you know, be cool. Drop the subject right away and don’t ask again. Manage your emotions in the moment and go lick your wounds at home. If you think this might be hard, practice in advance.
  • Ask people out fairly soon after you realize that you might be interested in them. Dating is how you find out if you really are a good match. You don’t want to build it up in your head. Ask and find out right away whether there’s any potential there.

Captain Awkward has more good advice about this topic. Remember, you want to go on dates with people who genuinely want to go on dates with you, not people who were embarrassed or surprised into saying yes.

The best way to find those enthusiastic yeses is by making sure it’s easy, and comfortable, for people to say no.

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#9

@gHlAh she does work there it’s also why I been hesitant. But I got thrown off as she had drew hearts on my cup with sharpie. Maybe I’m overreacting or sum but ye.

@papserweight thanks for the advice I should definitely wait or find a time to ask that would make it as a genuine ask and not a way that would force her in an awkward situation. I honestly didn’t think of that I’m definitely glad I asked here first.

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#10

[This was originally a reply to something papserweight said, then Jordan posted as I was finishing up, so I’ve rejigged it a little to adapt to that, which may be a flawed choice…]

I wouldn’t put a blanket ban on asking out people at their workplace, but I would set a high bar to clear before acting, and urge a particularly careful and considerate approach to the situation – rather than asking the person out, you’re asking whether you’re reading the situation correctly (something like, “Hey, this is awkward to ask, but I get the vibe you’re into me and I want to check if I’m misreading you?”). You need to be aware that they may try to reject you in a non-confrontational way (given that some people, particularly men, react badly to any sort of rejection) and you could misinterpret that, so it’s best to take anything short of enthusiasm as a “No”, and be ready to apologise in an appropriate way (along the lines of, “Sorry about bothering you at work, it’s just the uncertainty was feeling a bit awkward :slight_smile:”). And, of course, be ready to advance things if there is genuine interest, preferably by putting the ball in their court (e.g. giving them your number and saying to hit you up if they want to get to know you).

In this case the hearts on the cup is not a sure sign, as I can see potential for her to come to the idea from a different place (it’s quite possible to derp one’s way into something easily misinterpreted), but it does give you a fair basis to ask that clarifying question: whether the hearts mean she’s interested in you, or they were just a drawing.

The exact phrasing depends on what fits with you, but you need to keep it brief (minimising the demand of her time + minimising the risk of stuffing it up :smiley:) and you’ll preferably include a nod to it being a potentially uncomfortable interaction, avoid pressure, and make it easy for her to reject you if she wants to.

You want to be in and out of the discomfort-zone as quickly and painlessly as possible.

P.S. Dynamics are a little different for women asking men, since men get hit on infinitely less (along with some safety-related aspects), and in that case I’d be inclined to tell girls to just go for it. I won’t speak to woman-woman or man-man situations, as those are very different kettles of fish with a whole different set of factors (accuracy of gaydar, closetedness, potential for homophobic reaction…).
P.P.S. I’m typing this while I’m recovering from the flu, so hopefully it isn’t too ill-considered :stuck_out_tongue:.

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#11

@gHlAh thanks for the help, maybe ill ask if I could speak to her to the side or something so it’s not in front everyone and then ask if she likes me or if I just misreading as your said.

@papserweight @JayJay @j_d_aengus thanks for all your guys help I’ll let you guys know when I actually go for it and the outcome.

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