Crippling Grief

Even just typing this is difficult.

I’m in a long distance relationship (4+ years and going strong) and along with him came a bonus by the name of BamBam. A loving Shih Tzu who grabbed onto my heart and never let go.

This past Christmas Eve we thought we were going to lose him as he was having problems. But by New Years Eve, he seemed like his old self so we breathed a sigh of relief that morning. Fast forward to approximately 7:45 and I was platting dinner while John and BamBam were in the living room. All of a sudden John shouts BamBam’s name. I thought nothing of it as BamBam has had chronic ear infections and can’t hear any longer. Well, a few seconds later, John shouts his name again and I hear a note of panic in his voice. I rush out and see BamBam thrashing around on the floor under the coffee table and he is foaming at the mouth. John has this panicked and helpless look on his face and says he doesn’t know what to do. So I quickly google what to do for a convulsing dog and we wrap him in his favorite sheet and hold him waiting for the episode to pass. Both John and I lay on the floor with BamBam for the next 4.5 hours only taking short solo breaks so that BamBam is never alone. At 12:15 a.m. New Yeas Day, BamBam took his final breath.

I just can’t seem to get my feet back under me. Leaving John and driving back to my home state devastated me. I have been back to work for four days now and have barely done any work at all. The first day back and every time some said happy new year to me I wanted to punch them in the throat. I don’t want to be here any longer. I don’t want to deal with any requests that come my way. It irritates me when someone comes to my door to ask a question. When I go home I just sit there and stare at the TV. My father asks me questions as to how my day was and I just give the barest of answers. I know it takes time to travel through all the stages of grief. But I just feel like I’m slogging though quicksand and all I want to do is stop and just let myself sink. I just don’t care any more.

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What an incredible loss. Grief and loss are versions of trauma, so what you’re going through makes sense. Your body and soul response to this devastation makes sense to me. It’s okay to be irritable, guarded, withdrawn, depressed, and angry.

You’re right, there is no timeline for grief. It happens differently for everyone, and even when it gets better it may get bad again. I think what’s important right now is to focus on self care, as well as being kind and compassionate to yourself. Try to give yourself the time and space you need. If you need to let others know that, you can simply say, “I need some time alone right now to deal with this.” If you don’t need alone time and would rather be around people, let them know that too. Mostly just take the time that you need and let yourself know that it’s okay to do so. Also tell yourself that it’s okay to feel all the things you feel, and it’s even okay when you lash out at people right now.

Finally, it can be good to find support in your partner too. You’re both grieving an incredible loss, and it may help to work through it together. I know that’s hard in an LTR, but phone conversations or Skype are good, even if you just sit together in silence and do other things.

I’m sorry that we can’t be there to give you hugs or support you in ways that matter. Thank you so much for sharing here. I hope you find health and happiness as you move through this grieving process.

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I’m so sorry. that is a natural response I’m sure.

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