Dating - UGHHH


#2

I so feel you! I’ve tried dating apps, but the initial small talk is excruciating. Someone will send me a message of “Hi!” and that’s it. THAT’S IT? Then it will be something like “How’s your day going?” or “What movies do you like?” and I’ll reply with a long, rambling response with jokes and references to things in their profile (to show I’m actually paying attention) and…no reply. I prefer getting to know people with less pressure, like you hang out in person and realize there’s chemistry, or you interact on Twitter or Facebook and get to know each other without the pressure of “THIS IS A DATING APP, SO WHERE’S THE ROMANCE ALREADY?” But it can be hard to meet people in person and it seems like most people I know are already in relationships, especially the interesting ones.

So I don’t have any answers, but I share your pain.


#3

I met my wife via an online dating site, dont give up hope!

Things that worked for us: we had both chosen not to have our photo on our profile. Looks/attraction is relevant but photos don’t actually predict that very well for me. (someone I thought was gorgeous did nothing for me in real life, and someone i met in real life first and fell for big-time turned out to have an online profile photo I wouldn’t have looked twice at). Not sure if the no photo option is even still possible though :thinking:

The other thing was that after a couple of messages my (future) wife insisted that endless messaging was pointless and she couldn’t be bothered with that, unless we had already met and liked each other in real life. I had not come across this before but I understood the logic of this (plus this was after the disastrous gorgeous photo experience above :sweat_smile:).

We are both very honest and open with each other, and these two factors may have been important filters in finding each other.

Also, i had been given a tip by someone more used to internet dating, which was to just ignore those stupid random ‘hi’ or ‘wanna f***’ messages and only respond to people who had actually read my profile.

If you state this in your profile you are a) not being rude by ignoring people and b) massively increasing the likelihood that someone who does reply might actually be someone you could like.


#4

Hmmm, there is one thing that perhaps works less well with hetero dating apps: i ticked boxes that I was also interested in expanding my friendship group, which is not weird for a lesbian, as most of my friends are women. But maybe most straight men and women have less friends of the opposite sex which makes this less realistic/likely…?

But that still leaves apps/sites that are interest focused and have a meet up element, where the possibility if meeting someone you might want to date is a side issue rather that the main reason for the app to exist…?


#5

I’ve made friends through OKCupid, Tinder, and Bumble, but that’s mostly because they were women who were more engaging in conversation, and while there wasn’t a lot of romantic/sexual chemistry when we met in person, we still got on well, and most of my friends are women anyway. Bumble has an option where you can just look for friends, but it’s kind of a binary “friends or dating” option. I think OKCupid can be good for making it clear that “I’m looking to make new friends and maybe also do the dating thing”, but I think you’re right, hetero dating apps are generally pretty narrowly focused on dating and hookups.

My bestie and I once talked about making an app for people who are looking for new best friends. :smiley:


#6

I know I’m not looking for friends or hookups, but that seems to be exclusively what I get, other than disappointing conversations and dates.

Meeting people ASAP is always best, but I just can’t take any more boring awful dates with people who came across differently online, or guys who are stringing me along because they want sex. It seems like it’s a total lottery and there’s no way to tell if you’ll connect in real life until you meet them.

I hate ‘swiping’ too. I get so addicted to it, which the ADHD doesn’t help with because the endless swiping is so entrancing, but it’s just a game and doesn’t help. I met my ex on okcupid about 7 years ago and it was different then… no swiping, you just browsed a load of potential matches until someone stood out. I hate being asked to decide ‘yes or no’! Do I have to say no??? Can’t I just browse and say ‘yes’ to people I like???

Also (as a bisexual person) there is a HUGE difference between straight dating and lesbian dating. I’m only looking for guys at the moment, but in the past when I’ve looked for a girl, it’s been an entirely different experience, much different conversation.

I connected really well with this guy last week, better than anyone I’ve connected with online since I met my ex 7 years ago, but after we talked for a while he told me he changed his mind and wasn’t ready for a relationship, just wanted sex. I give up!


#7

I really feel you!! I’m in a very similar situation. I actually rarely get to the actual date part as I get so bored of the small talk texts I eventually stop replying… Or, recently I took so long to reply to someone who actually seemed nice, that she decided it would never work out so we shouldn’t even meet up! :frowning:

Unfortunately I don’t have anything very helpful to say right now other than you’re not alone!!

Maybe it’s best to just stay off the apps and try to meet people in real life…


#8

See I was recently on the other end of that scenario. Once I like someone and we’ve exchanged numbers, I’m incredibly responsive. I love getting and sending texts.

I was going to go on a date today, we’ve been talking for a couple of weeks and I really liked him. But he literally took days to respond, and every time I asked him where he’d like to go, he didn’t answer. Yesterday he said he was sorry but he couldn’t make it after all. That was the last strike - I know I’m not free next weekend to meet up, and I was doubtful that I’d maintain interest for another two weeks when I was already getting sick of waiting for him to reply. I ended up blocking him and now I have no plans for today. I was so excited too, but I just can’t be strung along like that for so long. Plus he kept saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship so there’s that :joy:

If someone takes a long time to reply, then by the time they have, I’ve already lost interest in the conversation. It’s a nightmare. If someone is so boring, I read the text and forget to reply altogether. I’d so much rather meet people in person, but I’m weird in person and I think people get put off.


#9

I don’t really have any advice unfortunately either. Paddling in the same boat here. 26 in a few weeks and #foreversingle:joy:

Feels hopeless…

I veeery rarely fall far anyone, and in the rare instance that happens, it’s always a person who doesn’t feel the same way.

Don’t know if it’s my quirkyness or if I’m too full-on when I like someone, or what it is. But they always bail really quick.

And I hate this trend of ghosting! If you don’t like me or see it working, just tell me so! I’m a grown ass woman, I can handle it.
What I can’t handle is the sudden radio silence, and when you finally reach out to them to call them out on their ghosting bullshit, they dump you over snapchat after having dated you for 3 months >_>

People have 0 manners these days…

Rant over :joy:


#10

Amen!!

I’m 26 now and also #foreversingle! Although just had a first date this evening and he wants a second date so :crossed_fingers:

Ghosting is the worst. But I find that I am a serial ghoster. I forget to reply forever :tired_face: although not after 3 months… usually after maybe one date, or messaging for a couple of days, because I lose interest.

Can we start an ADHD-friendly dating app??


#11

OMG that makes me crazy! I realize people have lives and can’t always immediately reply–I can’t either. But to go for days? If you’re like is that busy, you’re too busy for dating. Or you’re just not interested in me, so just fess up and let me move on.

I’m 49 and #foreversingle…so I wish I could say it gets better, but it obviously doesn’t. At least I can laugh about it. Sometimes.

I don’t know exactly how an ADHD-friendly dating app would work, but I’m all for it. Or ADHD-friendly meetups for singles?


#12

Oh, and breaking up with someone over Snapchat? RUDE.


#13

Ha ha… Me too, but with less than stellar results. Sometimes I think I married the wrong person, just so I could stop dating.

Back on the treadmill again, but enjoying Netflix more. If I couldn’t find anybody in the first 50 years, I’m not going to hold my breath for the next 50.

Yep. I go really well sometimes, until I open my mouth.


#14

I met my now ex-wife through a dating website (pre-apps). It actually wasn’t that bad because you basically communicated through email, so there was a lot of conversation from the beginning. And although she’s now my ex, it’s because of her that I became a dad, and she and I are friends now, so all in all, the entire experience was more positive than negative. Sadly, the sites and apps these days seem to feel more negative than positive.


#15

Exactly! I used okcupid when it was just a website and it was soo much better. Swiping has ruined dating.

On a more positive note, I just got back from speed dating and had a wonderful time and met someone really nice :grin: much better than apps.


#16

Swiping is ridiculous. Like you said, it’s addictive for the ADHD brain. But I also get terrible indecision because I dunno, maybe I might like this person if I got to know them better, but it’s hard to tell from their brief but kind of intriguing profile, but then again they might turn out to be another terrible conversationalist and I’m tired of that, so WHAT DO I DO???

Hooray for positive speed dating! A tabletop game pub where I live did a “geek speed dating” thing a little while ago, but the age range was too young for me. sigh


#17

What??? That sounds way too much like a good idea.

What sort of games do they play? Outside of Monopoly etc. with the family as a kid, I never managed to even try board gaming with peers.

I once got started on a sci-fi RPG (I think it was called Traveler?) with an American friend, but we didn’t get much past the character creation part. But I was intrigued.

I bought a box of D&D stuff, but it’s difficult to play by yourself, when nobody else shows an interest.

Thankfully, they invented computer games in my lifetime.

I tried speed dating once. It was horrible. Like repeating 20 bad dates in one night.

I did hook up with somebody from it, but the short-lived relationship was one of the worst I’ve ever been in.

I had some luck with RSVP. But as soon as I went from the 30-something age bracket into the 40+ section, it all seemed to dry up over night and turned a little sour.

Now I’ve moved into yet another decade demographic, it has gotten much grimmer.

I recently tried Plenty of Fish. Nope. Not my thing at all. It seems that the way to a girl’s heart on that is to send her dick pics, instead of flowers. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the romantic approach. I pulled my profile a few days ago.

I tend to be better at emailing than at the actual dating. The emails break the ice, helps find common ground. Then I get to the date, and it usually just falls apart.

Mind you, I haven’t actually dated for a while, so it may have changed somewhat. Probably for the worse, it seems.


#18

I don’t want to derail the thread too much, so I’ll just drop a link to the place and say they have LOADS of tabletop games of all kinds. I also do a monthly tabletop game night at the library where I work. And I’ve been playing RPGs (including Traveler :smiley:) since I was 10.


#19

That’s just dangerous enough for me to come to Kansas for. Then, when I leave, I could say something extremely witty like “We’re not in Kansas any more, Toto!”.

To re-rail it back to dating, it would be just my luck to meet somebody there. It’s not as if I haven’t already had fantastic luck with long-distance relationships so far (one ex-fiancee, one ex-wife).

I’m hoping that my proclivity for meeting foreign women will actually finally pay off if I move to a foreign country myself. I’m playing with Malaysia or Vietnam currently, but Cambodia would be pretty good too. I love Bali, but you can’t bring your pets.

My first kiss at age 15 was in Bali… She only lived 1800km’s from me, actually in the city where I live now (that was only a day or so after a Javanese guy came up to me and my younger brother and offered us prostitutes. “You want jig-a-jig?” Frankly, I didn’t like the cut of his jib).

There’s something about being a foreigner amongst other foreigners that seems to work better for me. When everybody is out of their own comfort zone, and social cliques.


#20

I have the foreigner thing too. People who are abroad, or have lived abroad, or have a mixed cultural background… My theory was/is that they know that ‘normal’ is not the same everywhere!


#21

Hiya @Emilia , i liked your rant :grin: , ive had similar problems.
Anyway happy Valentines day :rose: