Dealing with Roommates

I am having difficulting having my needs met and communicating my needs to my new roommates. When I moved in two months ago, I tried to set up a meeting with my new roommates to understand the ground rules, cleaning schedules, and how to utilize the common spaces. However, they didn’t want to discuss any of this with me and denied the meeting. They just briefly went over some rules over messaging. Now we only communicate with Facebook messenger and it’s only when I am doing something wrong in the apartment, like leaving a dish too long in the sink or leaving the bathroom door open when I left some toilet cleaning material in the toilet to soak, so I could clean it easier.

This way of communicating is difficult because I still don’t know the basics of the apartment and how they like things done. It is also lowering my self-esteem and activating my rejection sensitivity dysphoria to be constantly criticised and for that to be the only relationship I have with my roommates. I don’t know how to bridge the gap between them and form a healthy relationship with them when they are being really standoffish and unwilling to meet up to discuss what they expect of me and the apartment. I would like to be more friendly and at least form a basic friendship and not have things so tense in the apartment. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I don’t how to make things better for everyone or to make the place more welcoming.

Do you guys have any tips?


I have one roommate and its different situation because I live in a dorm room. But basically, this is what they tell every person who lives in the dorm. You do not need to be friends with your roommates, but you need to coexist with one another, meaning respect each other space and stuff. Coexistence just says that everyone in the apartment respects one another and their areas but also respects communal spaces.
While the beginning of this applies to the college, the other stuff I feel can apply in any situation with roommates
Hope this helps

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I had this problem twice. Once in my first year of uni & I didn’t do anything about it and then last year with one roommate and I did do something, basically I had to just stick up for myself and not be overly accomodating to them when they weren’t even going to bother to talk to me.

As long as you are doing the things you would want a roommate to do, like washing your dishes, etc. Then it’s on them if they don’t want to make any effort to get to know you.

I basically ditched communicating over social media, like it really doesn’t help. Instead I made sure that if I had anything I needed to say (and I still do this) that I say it in person whenever I see that person. This means we can both see each others reactions, our reactions are shared then and not later behind our backs and usually people are way more flexible and kind when stuff is done face to face.

If I were you I would start talking about this the next time you see one of them (and then the rest individually or whatever if you have to), say everything and don’t worry about how it’s coming across or what they’ll think of you, you can always fix that later, just make sure they know how you feel and be open to hearing what they are thinking. Chances are at least one of them also feels weird about it.

And remember, it doesn’t matter how nice or considerate you are, not everyone will appreciate what you do or like you. I had to just accept last year that one of my roommates wasn’t going to like me, but I didn’t accept that I had to roll over and take all his rudeness and super un-welcoming attitude.

I hate feeling like the bad guy, like I’ve done something wrong or complained a lot etc. But honestly, there’s no better feeling than confidently and fairly talking to others about something and have both of you come to a solution/ outcome that is good for you both. It’s hard to stick up for yourself and others, but very rewarding x


Roommate situations are difficult. Though I’ve had some reasonably good ones, even with those there is always some problem or another. Living with people is hard.

You had an excellent plan to have a meeting at the beginning to lay out expectations. It’s unfortunate that they didn’t go along with it, and the fact that they wouldn’t do that seems like a sign of something.

Have you asked again for a meeting? Since you’ve been getting messages with complaints they may be willing to have one now. If they still refuse I think they are the problem and you mostly need to focus on not letting their poor approach get to you. You are trying to be a good roommate. That is good enough. The phrase “Not my monkeys, not my circus” comes to mind. You aren’t responsible for pleasing people who aren’t willing to work with you.

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