So, there’s the problem: when you delay your gratifications too long, your logical chain of “Doing a job gets you to living good and having things” gets broken.
I literally refused an work offer half an hour ago. It required of me like 4-5 work hours and would have given me average russian’s pay for 2-4 work days. I couldn’t convince myself that i want the money enough to do it, so i would tolerate doing job for it - as opposed to spending my time without reward, but spending it as i want to.
I’m so used to delaying my gratifications that i got my own little house at 22, and my trading account has about 26 average monthly salaries right now.
All while i am sitting most of my time at my tiny home where there is a computer table, a bathroom, a kitchen, and a three steps between them all. I lived last 3 to 4 months on food stocks of rather cheap food, and i don’t even remember when i last bought clothes.
It seems stuff that gets average man happier already has zero effect on me. I don’t even want anything, looks like. I don’t want bigger house, or some newer car, or whatever else people brag about all the time. I have little, it gives me acceptable independence, and that’s enough.
I don’t even buy food that i want to eat right now - i buy food that has a discount today, in a reasonable quantity so i could eat it when i want when i already have it, for the next couple of weeks, or even months if it doesn’t spoil.
Most satisfactory things in a world for me today are facts and numbers. I get more brain reward when i learn something, rather than when i own something. Well, my parents were scientists, so it probably runs in the family, but i likely took it to extreme.
I can’t even say if i like this or not. It’s kind of like being superhuman, but then it’s kinda not really. I’m really falling out of contact with general mankind. With every day i feel that i understand fellow men worse, and they understand me worse.
And i didn’t really develop a way of dealing with me being a damned social animal. I even write this right now in a public space, but i could have done it in the diary of any sort.
I guess, i am replacing live interaction with other humans with books, games, videos, dreams, all kind of virtual encounters - because real encounters too often don’t bring brain satisfaction to all sides participating, and it feels like i squandered my energy on it, and can’t reload it to make experience better over time, or shut it down if it doesn’t seem salvageable.
I guess it’s related to ADHD in a way that we tend to go to extremities - stuff is either greatly exciting or greatly boring for us. We tend to either overconsuming, or oversaving. Working too much or too little. Or, it’s just my own flavor of ADHD. I was kind of extreme for all the time i remember myself.
In the end it worries me a bit, because i don’t really know any other person who’s living like this so i could relate to it.
Please tell me i’m not alone in this, and how do you handle the feeling of being an alien.