It’s not sadness. It’s grief with nothing at its center, no person who died. And the temptation is to fill that hole with yourself.
A grey hole that draws color into it and makes a rainbow into that brown, grey, purpley mess you get when pouring all the Easter egg dyes into the sink at once.
It’s a hole that doesn’t empty, a hole that doesn’t fill it just sits there stagnant.
By the way… before anyone thinks anything too bad… Yes, I am really concerned and stressed about some things but really I trace my emotional problem back to my dopamine food not working anymore. It’s been a week and have no new one… I’m just waiting for this one to work again. I’ve been off the Flaming Hot Nacho Doritos for over a week now.
That’s such a profound visual of the experience of depression.
Usually, I’ve found that people who haven’t experienced depression simply cannot comprehend how it feels. I think what you describe would be a lot easier for others to understand, because it’s a visual representation…
I don’t have a lot of experience with depression, but when I was depressed (for about 6 weeks in late Spring last year) it did seem like colors were washed out.
this is so beautiful. so heart breaking. so true. and so hilarious.
i love your brain. i hope it starts responding to those flaming hot nacho doritos soon.
sincerely,
a person who starts thinking about sweet chili doritos when stuck at a desk all day.
I am learning so much about my brain. I thought I knew a good deal because of my introspective nature. But accepting my adhd diagnosis has opened up all new ideas. Behaviors I have struggled with for a long time make sense and I find I am not alone on my oddities.
The focus eating or only wanting one particular food… or song or movie to sort of squeeze as much dopamine and other happy hormones out of it as possible is just one thing my eyes have been opened to.
My husband feels irked if he hears the same song twice in ten years and I can repeat a song that hits me right for ten hours. Lol
<3 I am facing the same hole. And I am just clinging and trying to catch a hold of the edge of this hole before totally falling. Besides I feel the falling is not one moment, but a continuous stream like a sink hole in quicksand. Now I was just wondering… if I am maybe on the other side of the world and my hole would be meeting your hole somewhere, couldn’t it be that I catch some of your energy disappearing into the hole and you catch some of mine?
That would be such a nice thought. But since the whole between breast and stomach is not made for something to appear just for things to vanish, where would the energy appear? How to inhale? It could just be, that being connected they are not infinite and fill up someday, if we build a network there would be an “end” at the other side of the hollowway,some kind of ground to ground oneself on…
Just wondering…
Take care, thinking of you and trying to get up and see some sun.
i rarely listen to music. when i do, i listen to the same song on repeat for hours.
I do that.
It is interesting to make oneself aware what kind of song one chooses. Because it already tells you if you are willing to leave depression or prefer staying in that “safe” but hurtful space.
Sometimes a reflected decision of the song does wonder. And sometimes I recognize, I have been trying to push myself by putting on a song which is just a shoe size to large for me to step in.