Makes sense what you’re saying. Certainly still living together changes things a bit.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
I am currently going through this. In may I caught my soon to be ex-wife cheating on me , and confronted her. She basically said she had no feeling for me anymore, and wanted to be out of the marriage, I was neither sad nor happy about that, but pretty much expected it. I know I wasn’t 100% perfect, but a week or two before I caught her I found out I was a terrible medicine combination causing a lot of my mood swings/irritability. I was on vyvanse and prozac, and after doing some research prozac increases the effectiveness/overpowers the vyvanse in the system which in turn caused my symptoms to be much worse, and have irritability. I have never been a person to want to go out and do stuff all the time, even more so when I am working a full time job, plus on call.
I think I realized I was much happier without her, but the main problems I was/am having is figuring out how to live/schedule, and keep everything organized without the addition person to keep me on track. We have 3 kids together and I also am taking care of the kids most of the time(M-F from 4:45pm to 7:45am, she only watched the kids while I am working, I have the rest of the time plus weekends, occasionally she will take one or two of the older kids for a few hours on the weekend, I have a 6, 3 and 1 year old. I have been/currently am support her 100%, and paying all my bills, but I told her she doesn’t have a ton of time left where I will continue to do so, she is more than capable of getting a job, and not taking advantage of someone, I have a hard time just cutting her off, I guess I am to nice to just not, plus I don’t want to cause negativity until the divorce is final and she cant retaliate.
I have found out that digital assistance is the most helpful for keeping me on schedule. I work for I.T. Support at a rural hospital on site and most people seem to understand when I pull out my phone to add it to my calendar or add it to a list I use a widget on my phone that has check lists right on my main screen so I see it every time I unlock my phone(usually the strange looks go away once you explain you are adding it to your calendar, or taking a note).
As far as the marriage and trying to fix things its too late now, I really really wanted to try to make it work, I realized all of her issues with me are caused by adhd, look at a checklist of adhd relationships they all matched, I realized this and wanted to work on it with her, but she had no interest in making changes to better help me, like a sticky note on the garbage can when it needed emptied. It was way to late to salvage, plus she is selfish that way and didnt want to put effort in, which bothers me, as I am pretty sure my oldest has adhd(she has temper tantrums for hours, extremely random emotions, glitter jars calm her down, most of the time she doesn’t even remember why she is upset). If she isnt willing to learn for my sake, and make it work, she wont for my daughter, she even agreed she thought my daughter has adhd, or at least all the symptoms match, and reward systems, and so many things work for her.
I am 30 now, and I am way happier on my own, I don’t know if I really want another relationship, I love spending time with my kids, and my kids are so much happier with my ex out of the house most of the time. I have been focusing on things to make myself better, I have my first therapy appointment tonight, and have been keeping more things up around the house overtime. The hardest part for me is just keeping everything organized and moving forward. Sorry for the long post, and potentially confusing information.
We never had any marriage therapy. I got an SMS saying that she wanted a divorce. Yay.
Since then, I have been unable to discuss anything at all with her. She blocked me on Whattsapp. I sent her a couple of emails, and got very basic “that’s nice” type replies.
For 3 or 4 months now, we haven’t communicated at all.
Then today, I get one of those singing dancing online birthday cards from her.
Am I cut off, or not cut off? When I suggested that we should still be friends, and didn’t get a reply, how was I supposed to read that?
And now I get a birthday card with mice playing a piano?
Just my two cent tangent. My apologies for using the word “fucking”. Twice now.
@smoj I’m also getting a lot of “I miss you, but I still don’t want you” vibes from my husband as well. In our case, we’re lucky because things are still very communicative, but honestly that just makes it more confusing for me. It would be easier if he’d walked away and stopped talking to me entirely. Instead, he’s still living in confusion not knowing what he wants, and it feels like he’s trying to perform a mercy killing to save me from the pain of his confusion. It’s… really weird and complicated.
I’m sorry your wife/ex-wife is being hot and cold with you. I think the best thing to do is to decide if you want to be receptive to any communication from her, and be really thoughtful about how you react. If she’s not mature enough to talk with you, or straight up tell you she misses you, and hides her real message behind some animated birthday card… Who even wants to be in a relationship with someone so afraid of their own feelings?
Keep focusing on you.
Not so much hot and cold, as cold and less cold.
I sort of get that… I find it hard to just completely quit someone I was once in love with. I still have feelings, and want to help them get through a difficult time. But it can get swampy very easily. The line gets crossed, so you redraw the line. Then readjust it again.
With my ex, I don’t want to get back with her, but I’d still enjoy her company. And it’s irritating to be just thrown away, like I have no value at all. But I can understand why she might think a clean break is better for her. It’s just pretty insulting for me.
Somebody said that ADHDers are attracted to train wrecks. I enjoy a good train wreck sometimes, as long as I can put some bandaids on and help the survivors. She is definitely afraid of her own feelings, and I tried to help, but that help wasn’t wanted.
Well, if it was your birthday then - Happy (Belated) Birthday!
Thanks mate. My 50th. Couldn’t get too excited about that one. I guess getting older beats the alternative, but yeah.
It seems ADHD really can be rough on couple right?
I’m coming with my two cents, since I went throught a live changing break-up last year. Yeah it was not a divorce; in fscr we were talking about marriage. But we were together for 14 years , kived together for 12 and I was adamant with staying with him and working on our couple for all our life and so was he… or so he said.
To make it short he was sadly so good at lying to himself to avoid conflict or problems confrontation that he internelized all of his truths and in the end, about half of his personalitty wasnt his real one in the end. Now a year and a half later, we are friends…ish. We want to but it’s a bit akward. He already to his second partner after us too so it was a bit hard to meet.
So anyway to people who are very scared right now… or wonder how to react, let me tell you, even if not being with the other person might seem like the worse thing ever, there is good chance it will gradually become better. Before thinking he could break up, I was so afraid he would get in an accident or that I would loose him to sickness or whatever. Just imagining it felt like it would be impossible to bear and petrefied me. But now, I’m perfectly fine and way happier thant in the last years or that relation. There is so many little patterns that can sneak their way in our life and relations without noticing. And a lot aren’t good and are totally invisible when we are in it.
And here is what I learned from that experience. I’m not an expert at all, but I can say that those helped. After the break up I was a massive mess. I even checked those " How to get your boyfriend back" things ( althought I didnt BUY) it. I guess this was in my denial phase. But as time goes, its easier to see the other person from another angle and to realise that hey…its been some time and life goes on.
So hum here I go
1- If you can and if you have the courage, meet with a therapist or psychologist if yoy
u can. Thry can really help you do understand what happened, what MIGHT have happened on the other person side ( and to accept you might never know) accepts things in general and understand yourself better. It might be pricy but of you can cut anything elsewhere in your spending to pay that instead, it really is a gift to yourself.
2- Have people to talk too. Who will sympathise but not push you toward nocive attitudes. Ideally not always the same people because it can be demanding for them too. Good listerners will encourage you to express yourself more, talk about how you feel and let you realize stuff. They do not demonize your ex or encourage you to bitch them online or just watch you cry in your dirty bed for 2 weeks while giving you ice cream.
3-That been said it’s also important to do your best to do things that make you happier. Is there a movie that warm your heart each time you watch it? Watch it … a lot at first. It’s also a good thing to try news stuff you had been postponed, or you were not doing just for your ex, or that you used to do and loved but had stipped to do.
Here are a few examples I did: sleepovers ( I was over 30 and in couple, i was always going bsck to my boyfriend… but sleeping at my friends place allow you di have those deep, late hours conversations). Girl party. Kimono meet-up. Went to see a free plein air classic- concert. Organized some movies days, drawings days. A lot of social activities and they dont have to cost a single penny. I started a few new crafts, started reading more, watched movies I have been wanting to see for so long.
As for the " thing I have been wanting to do but didn’t do for my ex"; here is my very tamed example. He didn’t like piercings. So I finally got that second pair of earlobes holes I wanted in highschool. It’s small, but you have to appreciate all of those small things.
What I would highly not recommand is to start indulging a lot in alcohol or drugs. I mean it is never healthy, but that kind of moment is when you can be the most vulnerable; its time to become stronger, not to hide in stuff that blurr your mind. Dating right away isn’t adviced either; its just postponing your pain.
4- You might want to read on divorce and break ups to see how you’re not alone and what experts says is a good thing to help you move on and what isnt. I’m the first one who want to be romantic and believed in an ultimate soulmate to everyone. But if after all those years, it doesnt work anymore… saying forever attached to that person will do nothig for them and only bad for you. Same for being salty about it. Althought you cannot be serenne about it in 2 days( and will probably sometimes be sad about it maybe for longer than you think), its better to have moving on as a goal so that you can find your hapiness eventually too. Be it alone or in couple.
5- Speaking of which. This is a life changing event so its the perfect moment to change it. I think honestly I never progressed as much in taming my ADHD problems than in the last year. All your routine is out of the windows, so its the best moment to find its core, keep it and work into it what is good for you. This can include a lot of stuff Jessica talked about on the channel. Journaling ( for scheduling but also to help coping with the pain by yourself and help realise what keep you from going forward), meditation, better sleeping habits, better food habits. And develloping techniques to do by yourself what your ex partner use to do for you or with you. Honestly its an excellent learning opportunity. I also found the shock of the break up (and possible following meetings with a therapists ) can help to show you patterns you have that can be nocive to you and others. For example, I used to be too controlling with my ex; after understanding it and realising how it influenced many little details, I also realised it was also the case, to a wayyyy lesser extent to my friends. So I was able to notice than and try to work on it. Its also the perfect time to start practicing gratitude and self-love. Like actively finding what you love in yourself and all the wonderful little things in your life. It’s also the perfect moment to reconsider what you want from life. Like what are your true, ultimates values. What do you want the most in life?
Like honestly this is a golden occasion to rediscover the " core " of who you are.
Ergh I think a TL;DR is in order. I’m sorry, I got so much wonderful help in that life event, I just hope it can help others
Intro: I’m sorry for everyone who is having a hard time. Recently went throught a break up after 14 years of relationship. Even if you think you could never recover, yes you can. * insert cheerladers here*
Stuff I learned in this last year and a half
1- Try to seek professional help. It’s an investissement on yourself and it can really help to transform this in a gold occassion to become a better person
2- Talk to people ( try to switch around a bit because it can be draining for them). Express yourself. Cry. And avoid people who encourage negative behaviour or over indulge you.
3- Do your best to have fun. Organize activites with friends and familly and to try new things , or things you neglected in the last year or that you didn’t do for your ex. It can be done without spending much. And avoid alcohol or drugs, because your are specially vulnerable. Same for dating immediatly; you would only postpone your pain and you would not ve able to see and work on what brought you there in the first place.
4- Read on divorce and breaks-ups and the best ways to move on. Not moving on do not achieve anything.
5- Use that life changing movemwnt to change your life! Journaling can help a lot. Meditation. Healthy habits, introducing news patterns. Discovering our problematic behaviour and correcting them. Learning to be 100% independant! So powerfull!
Ok wow I really have to go to bed x.x
Not divorced, yet, but we separated over 2 years ago. Married for all the wrong reasons. I see it now, but didn’t back then. She manipulated me and brain washed me to the point that I’m still trying to remember who I was, what I liked to do, what a normal life was like before all of it. She was abusive, increasing over time, and it got to the point where if I hadn’t left the night she almost put me in the ER, I wouldn’t be here. And I’ll be the first to tell you, that being an abused male in a marriage, getting any kind of help/protection/resources is laughable. And the damage trail she made to my reputation, finances, credit, every aspect of life, even to this day is practically unfathomable. I know I need to get a divorce, but the whole PTSD aspect, and trying to learn to be myself again has definitely been a challenge. I still have healing to do before I take on that fight. But I’m on the right path, taking small steps every day.
That must have been tough… The stigma alone must have been a soul destroying thing to have to carry around with you.
My experience has been that if a man shows any sign of perceived weakness, it’s like having a big bulls-eye drawn on your chest, with the words “Open Season. Come One, Come All” in fluoro letters above it.
We get criticised for not being open with our emotions. But we just aren’t wired that way.
Even if we were, it’s too easy for the hyenas to get your scent.
Sorry I missed this when you first posted it. For a completely different reason, I also know what it’s like to have a female ex who was abusive and then find that it’s not a permitted topic of conversation, even with some people you thought were friends.
Big chunks of your post I could have written myself.
I was with that person for over 12 years, but I got her to leave 17 years ago now (she had stopped me from working when we had kids and I knew that if I didn’t keep that same roof over our heads I would have to use up any money from selling it on food and clothes etc and never be able to afford a new house).
I can honestly say that, in spite of years of guilt for putting my kids through this series of disastrous decisions and consequences, ending the relationship was totally the right thing to do. And I got my life back, and my kids are far far far better off than if I had continued to put up with the humiliation and abuse.
You will get through this, @SuperDrummerJay, and things will get better.
And yes, it doesn’t happen as often as male domestic violence, but if you’re in the minority of having suffered at the hands of an abusive female partner, then you know how real it is.
I hear you.
PS: organising what it takes to finalise the divorce will be a major challenge, but I promise you the result will be worth it! It will really help you to move on in many ways.
While I’ve never been with someone who was physically abusive, and only a few who’ve been borderline verbally abusive (passive aggression mainly), I’ve been with a couple of girls who were psychologically abusive, if that makes sense.
I could tell that their thought patterns were at 90 degrees to my own, and I could sense their view of me as a pathetic waste of space, as a tangible and demeaning force.
Luckily, those relationships always ended quickly, although leaving me in a place far lower than I was before I met them.
Although, at the time, I fought to keep the relationships going. Even as I knew they were doing more harm than good.
I’ve spent so much time alone that it has been relatively easy for me to cut loose the rubbish and return to what I feel more comfortable with… Myself. And saying that I’m comfortable with myself isn’t true either… But more comfortable than being kicked in the guts every few minutes.
To be honest, my ADHD had very little to do with my divorce. We were married young, and just… dumb. My best advice is… if you have a church family, get as involved with them as possible. That was a big one for me. Either way, find emotionally strong, positive-thinking friends with whom to spend time. You will be emotionally drained for a long time, and they helped me keep my head above water.
I don’t know that I can pinpoint a time when I was ready to move on… And honestly, sometimes I still think I might be better on my own (no one “gets” me, you know?) I am an introvert and love to spend time by myself… but I also want someone to cuddle and shower with love. I am such a weirdo. Haha
Something important to remember… forgive him and forgive yourself for the past. You can’t move forward if you don’t look forward. Hard feelings won’t solve anything, and maybe someday you can be friends. (My ex and I are getting there.)
Something I learned from my marriage that helps me with current and future relationships is… Forgiveness is key. Pick your battles. Remember you are both human. Give the benefit of the doubt. COM. MUN. I. CATE.
I hope that helped, even a little bit.