Hello all fellow brains!
As some of you might know, I have a strained relationship with my dad and have a real hard time sorting through my feelings regarding him and the rest of my family - so, yes, I have daddy issues. Today I meet him as a sort of belated birthday outing and he helped me buy some essentials as I am really strapped for cash. That I am really grateful for. But we ultimately got into discussing a bit about our life ever since me and my sister left home (well, that is really sugarcoating it, we were unofficially thrown out even though we actually weren’t, but as the say actions speak louder than words and how they treated us then and after was far from okay) and how he was glad that we had done it because it taught us that life ain’t easy - as if we already didn’t know that. Through the whole meeting I felt strange, like it was a mixture between wanting to yell and slap him and breaking down and cry in his lap. I did neither, but know afterwards I felt really shook and feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I hate how they all just keep going on and acting as if not is wrong and never was wrong, despite me being homeless and broke.
Feelings is not something I’m good at. I do get over emotional about things but I bottle all of it up, happiness, sadness, anger and so on until they are all so intertwined that I get overwhelmed and break down into a panic. I’ve been told that I need to be more assertive and learn to put boundaries, but I am not good at it and that is essentially the story of how I ended up lending between 25k -50k dollars of my 75k inheritance to my family. I do feel like my emotional disregulation is in part to blame for my lack of boundaries, as despite me being most of the time a constipated potato that is afraid to show my emotions because they are always intense and I will always end up crying somehow, people seem to know that I have intense emotions and always plays with them to get their way. Like I’m such a doormat and everyone knows it. I don’t want to be that anymore, but when I try to set my boundaries they end up guilt tripping me into oblivion and the small line I drew ends up vanishing without a trace. This is not helped by my inability to speak properly. Like I cannot state my case properly because even in regular conversations my mouth and brain are just unable to cooperate.
So, I’d like to have a discussion with you all about how to get your points across despite your mouth not working properly. How to set healthy and clear boundaries without conceding to the point that they basically don’t exist. How to deal with haywire emotions and express them properly without having a mini-mental breakdown everytime. As well as discussing how to healthily bring up and discuss your feelings and ways other people have hurt you, and making them both listen and not get all defensive.
I know Jessica has a video on assertive speaking, but as a professional doormat that at the age of twenty still hasn’t discover the ways to properly do words with you mouth, I think in my case I need a little more than just assertive speaking. Like knowing what a healthy boundary is. And I would also very much like to hear other people agree that pretending a house isn’t on fire when it in fact is, isn’t normal behaviour grown adults should participate in. And that just leaving things in the past and never talking about them only stokes resentment.