Emotional dysregulation, boundaries and strained family ties

Hello all fellow brains!

As some of you might know, I have a strained relationship with my dad and have a real hard time sorting through my feelings regarding him and the rest of my family - so, yes, I have daddy issues. Today I meet him as a sort of belated birthday outing and he helped me buy some essentials as I am really strapped for cash. That I am really grateful for. But we ultimately got into discussing a bit about our life ever since me and my sister left home (well, that is really sugarcoating it, we were unofficially thrown out even though we actually weren’t, but as the say actions speak louder than words and how they treated us then and after was far from okay) and how he was glad that we had done it because it taught us that life ain’t easy - as if we already didn’t know that. Through the whole meeting I felt strange, like it was a mixture between wanting to yell and slap him and breaking down and cry in his lap. I did neither, but know afterwards I felt really shook and feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I hate how they all just keep going on and acting as if not is wrong and never was wrong, despite me being homeless and broke.

Feelings is not something I’m good at. I do get over emotional about things but I bottle all of it up, happiness, sadness, anger and so on until they are all so intertwined that I get overwhelmed and break down into a panic. I’ve been told that I need to be more assertive and learn to put boundaries, but I am not good at it and that is essentially the story of how I ended up lending between 25k -50k dollars of my 75k inheritance to my family. I do feel like my emotional disregulation is in part to blame for my lack of boundaries, as despite me being most of the time a constipated potato that is afraid to show my emotions because they are always intense and I will always end up crying somehow, people seem to know that I have intense emotions and always plays with them to get their way. Like I’m such a doormat and everyone knows it. I don’t want to be that anymore, but when I try to set my boundaries they end up guilt tripping me into oblivion and the small line I drew ends up vanishing without a trace. This is not helped by my inability to speak properly. Like I cannot state my case properly because even in regular conversations my mouth and brain are just unable to cooperate.

So, I’d like to have a discussion with you all about how to get your points across despite your mouth not working properly. How to set healthy and clear boundaries without conceding to the point that they basically don’t exist. How to deal with haywire emotions and express them properly without having a mini-mental breakdown everytime. As well as discussing how to healthily bring up and discuss your feelings and ways other people have hurt you, and making them both listen and not get all defensive.

I know Jessica has a video on assertive speaking, but as a professional doormat that at the age of twenty still hasn’t discover the ways to properly do words with you mouth, I think in my case I need a little more than just assertive speaking. Like knowing what a healthy boundary is. And I would also very much like to hear other people agree that pretending a house isn’t on fire when it in fact is, isn’t normal behaviour grown adults should participate in. And that just leaving things in the past and never talking about them only stokes resentment.

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I’ve got a lot to say, and have honestly spent too much time on this forum for today, so I will likely come back to this, with a few books worth of thoughts.

But I just had a question, a bit of personal one tho, are you medicated?

Are you financially able to be medicated, and do you have a job currently or more just health insurance?

If you don’t have health insurance, as far as I know, https://www.goodrx.com/
gives the best coupons, for prescription,

mixed amphetamine salt being around 25$

Dextro-amphetamine salt being around 25$

methylphenidate being around 16$

But the more newer, synthetic, or just brand only ones are still gonna be pricey like Vyvanse, or dexmethylphenidate ER (Focalin XR)

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Yeah, I’m medicated. I live in Sweden and during the time I was completely broke my psychiatric clinic basically gave them to me for free. I currently take bupropion 150mg (but they will give me a higher dose in August), sertraline 150mg, and melatonin 2mg.
As for work, I have worked before but not currently, I have a really hard time finding job as I don’t have a high school diploma and a lot of work on our swedish equivalent of like target or Walmart I kid you not has a requirement for me to have that. Like the only place I’m currently qualified to work at is fast food restaurants, but I would completely crack under the pressure and again it has been really hard finding work. So my shrink has been really helping me a lot. She helped me apply for help from well the state. It is called Försäkringskassan roughly translated to Insurance Office or something like that, and basically I will be getting money for rent, food and even some extra pocket change so I can finish my high school studies. It is a special grant? that is only given to individuals that have failed high school due to health reason both mental and physical with the stipulation that we work towards our diploma. On top of the I got in to a type of school that is really friendly towards all types of learning disabilities that focuses on discussions, group work, field experience, and a whole lot of teachers that are experienced with helping people like me. Plus they offer campus housing where you can bring along your pet. The campus is like a two hours away from where I’m currently at and in a completely different county.
So my shrink and my doctor want to put me on other types of adhd medication as they don’t think that the bupropion will be good enough because I’m apparently a very severe case, but I have no official diagnosis and they can’t give me one. There is a one-year-and-a -half to two years waiting time to get that diagnosis, so my shrink and I are currently researching into specialised ADHD clinics near my new school - they tend to have a shorter waiting time. My shrink and doctor want that diagnosis so they don’t have to be so sneaky about giving me ADHD medication - were you to read my charts the reason given for prescribing me bupropion is depression.
I have been struggling with that since the age of nine, first diagnosed at twelve. I have had suicidal ideation since I was that young and it has only been in more recent years that everyone has been taking it more seriously. The first few months I got in contact with the adult psychiatry they had a team that did house calls with a telephone that I could call them whenever I needed to blow of some steam or was feeling really down. They aren’t helping me anymore as the time with them has elapsed and I have to wait awhile to have them reinstated, so now I have my shrink’s number with instructions to text when I’m down and she will either call me or book an emergency meeting for the two of us. She will also periodically check in with me to see how I am doing and she has also helped me get some great fidgets, as otherwise my poor nails and hair would just be pulled apart by me. I just turned 20 this week, before that it was free to see her, now there is a 70kr or 7 dollars charged for each meeting, but I can pay it by the end off the month (I will be receiving the first money from the grant on the 27th).
Thank you for your concern, it really is sweet. I am really privileged where I am from as I don’t think I would have made it to 20 had I been born in the U.S. Sweden is really great and has been expanding their mental health networks rapidly for the past eight years. I love Sweden despite its faults. The U.S does seem like a lovely place as well (despite the faults) and I would love to see it someday.

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Honestly, before I even finished reading I was going to ask why haven’t you tried stimulant based medication, as for ADHD it is the most effective medications, statistically.

Although, I would say it works well as an Anti-depressant which was one of it’s first FDA approved uses, but for personally, I was originally prescribed Adderall, which let me just tell you increases my vocabulary by like ten-fold. It’s not that I have a bad vocabulary off medication, it’s the right words don’t come to me at the right time, or I don’t know how to say them, or what to say in the moment and things.

But I was later prescribed Buproion because my Adderall was losing efficancy, tolerance, and also I was going through a really bad time, overall stressed, and falling into a cyclic phase alternating cycle of anxiety and severe depression, so since Buproion is used as a non-stimulant [it’s kinda a stimulant it’s a very complicated drug, but in terms of ADHD treatment they list it as non-stimulant for simplicity I guess? it’s weird, but it’s not a stimulant like Adderall or Ritalin etc. but nonetheless, it’s the only synthetic cathinone that’s allowed to be prescribed in the U.S, although idk about Sweden but these fun facts don’t matter right now because i’m side tracking]

Nonetheless the point being, Buproion, which I was on I think 150 XL, increased energy but not really in the way that something like adderall may, in almost a more recreational way, increased sex drive randomly, it increased mood and overall well-being as well as socialization, I’m not sure it increased focus at all or if it decreased focus.

But nonetheless there were 2 side effects I couldn’t stand, also me knowing the pharmacology of cathinones I didn’t want to be on the drug for that long anyway, the have strong impact on drug-induced seizure threshold, but it gave me a like almost slight brain frog? It was weird to describe because I wasn’t really sure it was there or not, but it felt that some functions of memory, which usually isn’t that greatest, but it still felt like some functions to short-term memory were actually worsened on the drug, while I know that personal on Adderall alone, my short-term memory was improved. But nonetheless and second side effect, was I had developed worse word aphasia.

Now, once again everyone gets different side effects etc. And do note, I have dyslexia, so that tends to have word aphasia, and reduced blood-flow to regions of the brain like Broca’s area etc. etc. like word and speech regions of the brain. I also do have suspected head trauma induced anisocira above the brain damage threshold, so I have no way of telling if these things could increase the likelihood of it worsening the side effect. [ The head trauma and exact brain damage isn’t known, because it was a new born, and I didn’t show signs of stroke etc. etc. but my pupils can go above the 1mm threshold in difference in sizes, which is what they use to determine if there’s a neurological explanation for it, so neruologist kinda said brain damage but kinda don’t know bc I was a newborn type of thing.]

So point being I sometimes randomly have word aphasia, or issues speaking randomly, even if I know the correct word in my head etc. This could be due to dyslexia, brain damage or a confounding variable, but this maybe once every 2 or 3 days occurrence or w.e, became a multiple times a day thing when I started to take Buproion.

I may come back and say more, I’m just trying not to make a long confusing thing that makes no sense right now, because I haven’t slept in over 26 hours or something at this point, so my brain kinda done for now, plus I don’t want to misspeak and such.

Toodles!

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Although side note, I have many ideas of why adderall increases my vocabulary.

  1. impulse control - maybe I sound like I have a better vocab, because I actually think then speak on adderall instead of the other way around.

  2. State dependent memory- Maybe I recall more of the medical journals, studies, and seminars I go over, and academic work, and read more overall so maybe It’s a state dependent memory type thing.

  3. I had more, but i’m tired.

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