Financial issues

Hey guys. I’m a little stuck with myself at the moment, so I’m asking for a few support tips.

Me and my boyfriend are pretty low on money at the moment. We can just pay for the necessary things and that’s really it. I don’t necessarily feel bad or sad about it. Since we still have a lot of things around the house. We may not be rich with money but in my eyes we are rich with all the things we have. It is frustrating however, and especially difficult since I have to seriously bite my nails sometimes to just not buy something. But I really can’t afford to impulse spend at the moment.

Also, I’m still looking around for work. I’ve been jobless since a month or 2/3. I had to quit because of ADHD issues (surprise surprise!). I do have a horse stable on sight that has experience with ADHD. So I’m putting all my efforts on that stable in hopes that I can work there. There’s not much to find since covid is still pretty bad over here in the Netherlands, but also because I graduated on a low level in college so I can’t find many things on my level as well as, a lot of people of course don’t take anyone who has ADHD. And then I of course have the struggle of ADHD itsself which makes searching for a job a tough task.

The biggest problem right now isn’t that however. It’s my boyfriend. He’s incredibly unhappy that we have this little money and puts all the friggin focus on that as if we have no money at all. And I’m here like: if you really need to, sell your VR set. That’s not a necessary thing but we do have one. Sell the other PlayStation. We have 2 PlayStations. One of em is the brand new PlayStation 5. We have enough to afford our needs but just not enough to buy a lot of extra things since we also need save some money for emergency situations.

How do I cheer my boyfriend up? Focusing on money is not gonna help. We will get there. I’m trying to take care of it. I’m just done with his negativity about it. And every time I try to talk about it he just continues to be negative. Even if I try to be positive.

Does anyone have any advice?

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I would say that it’s important to realize that it’s not your job to make him happy. If he’s unhappy, he needs to own that and take steps to make himself happy. You are not responsible for helping someone else attend to their issues or problems. Don’t take that on.

When it comes to discussions about money in relationships it can be hard. It can be a huge point of stress, especially when one partner perceives the other as being restricted or saying no to spending. That being said, fiscal responsibility needs to be a joint effort. It can be helpful sometimes to sit down and talk realistically about what your goals are and also to set a budget. If each person has something that they want outside of that budget, they should each take responsibility for figuring out how they’re going to purchase those things. If he wants more money to spend, maybe he needs to be the one to figure out how to save money, sell things, or get another job. I know it can be hard to do some of those things, but ultimately if he wants to spend more than he may have to earn more in order to make himself happy.

There are also sites online that can help with financial planning and attempting to manage things like debt and long-term goals.

Finally, I try to help curb my impulse spending by delaying the actual purchases of things. For example, I will often want to hop on Amazon and buy something that I just thought of. I have gotten in the habit of adding it to my cart and then closing the browser and coming back to it later or the next day. I find that if I can get over the initial impulse my brain can catch up and I can be more measured with how I spend my money.

Ultimately, it’s not your job to make him happy. You can be supportive, but you’re not his mother and you’re not his therapist. Don’t fall into those roles. Good luck to you on the job hunting and best wishes for you guys going forth!

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I agree . . .

I agree . . .

Not much more for me to say @quietlylost said pretty much what I would . . .

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Thank you both.

I just had a talk with him. For him it just feels like he’s paying for everything bc I don’t have enough to help him pay. But he knows im trying to find a job. He was just having a tough day today. Well since he talks about money so much it just came off wrong to me I think. I’m happy that we can talk things like this through with each other. And I know that as soon as I have a job, we’ll be sitting around the table to discuss who pays what.

In this area I just wish I didn’t have ADHD so finding a job would’ve been less of a hassle

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To be able to do that . . . to want to do that . . . and to do that not just once at a breaking point . . . but daily . . . that is what matters . . .

But it sounds like you already know that!

:+1:

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I feel income arguements aren’t always about money, it’s more about meaningful effort really. If you don’t have a job or other income right now, you could discuss what you could do for him without using any money at all. You may save him some effort - keep your home for both of us, wash clothes, do dishes, etc. It does count. Try to ask him about what you could do, so he’s wouldn’t feel like he’s pulling both of you.

Well, no money means no spending. Can’t really evade this. But no spending doesn’t mean no goods. Maybe try to craft something?
I suppose you have plenty of time to learn something, right?

As a side note, i recommend everyone to try to live without spending for, like, a month. Just home, food and other means of living to the next month, nothing else.
Elon Musk “lived on $1 a day” when he was a 17yo college student, and look where’s this guy now :slight_smile:
If that’s already easy for you, then try to live half a year like that. That’s a sure way to accumulate money to buy something big, or to start your own business, or to start exchange trading, or whatever else your long delayed wishes are. Best when you’re young and don’t have too much health issues yet.

I live this way for roughly seven years. I spend a little when i have a good day to get a bit more motivated(no more than 15-20% of this day’s income), and if there isn’t any good days then i just read and watch stuff online, that’s free, or mostly free. At least reading surely is, even if your connection costs a lot.

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Yes we always do. But it’s also important to talk at breaking points for sure. I’m glad we can talk cause not everyone can.

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I do clean almost everything here. What another issue was for a minute is my ADHD and motivation to clean. I asked him to help every now and then to get me motivated. But it stressed him out eventually. Now my mom is my accountabilliebuddy. We FaceTime each morning to discuss what has to be done that day and then I’m gonna do that. And up until now it works amazing! :tada::tada:
So no pressure on my boyfriend for that right now.

And I do craft a lot:


I finished painting this last Monday. First it was just a plain wooden thing. And I store a lot of my Nintendo products in there now.

In terms of little to no extra spending: I have no other choice right now. So that one is taken care of by itsself :joy:

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What parts of your ADHD make it hard for you to find a job? Or what parts of your ADHD make it difficult for you to keep one?

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Well it starts with procrastination issues. Even if I don’t wanna procrastinate I likely still will do it. Right now I’m pretty much on a role which I’m proud of, but it took me a minute to get going.

Then I’m someone who tells immediately that I have ADHD. From my experience it’s a lot more hurtful to not tell it and then eventually constantly being scolded for the things you struggle with. So bc of that there’s a lot of companies where they don’t even want to accept someone with ADHD. I’ve been told of multiple times by now.

And then ofc I get bored easily, so if it’s work that I don’t like it literally depressed me. The struggles I have at work like planning, organizing, working fast enough, having to ask things a million times, forgetting things a lot, being impulsive etc, has resulted multiple times in me having to quit or being fired bc they can’t give me the accommodations that I need. So yeah keeping a job is tough too. The last job I had to quit was pretty dramatic even. That boss literally triggered multiple panic attack in me that last day.

So, it’s not easy

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@Bubbles17

My advice, ask a government employment advisor.

Find A local support group or charity for ADHD in Holland .

Find people locally or online who have ADHD in Holland, the system is different for disabilities in each country .

Think outside the box, Maybe do something creative . A disproportionate number of people with ADHD , end up being self-employed.

Some employers are understanding , some , maybe you should wait until you are successful in the job, before declaring your ADHD , if it all.,To declare your ADHD to an employer, is not easy decision. Ask someone in a charity or a government employment advisor etc !

Good luck , money is not everything. I have had to change my outlook.

I have achieved far below my potential because of undiagnosed ADHD !

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I sorta of agree with this viewpoint . . . though, obviously that is a very personal decision and depends on the situation . . .

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I am right now putting al my money on this one horse stable because they have experience with working with people who have ADHD. So they know the quirks of it. So I really hope I can work there, as well as that horses are very beneficial to my mental health as a whole. And I can be physically pretty active which is a good thing for me as well.

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I have a lot of the same struggles you do. :slight_smile: I don’t know if any of the things I do would be helpful to you, but I’ll list them below just in case.

  • Procrastination - I find that medication helps a lot with this. I procrastinate less at work. I also try to plan my day by doing the hardest things first whenever I can, because I know I’ll lose motivation later. It took me time to build a habit of actually getting started, but once I was committed and started doing it I was more successful. I still procrastinate about things, but it’s not as bad as before. I think each job will have things that are “critical” and things that are “less important,” so knowing the differerence at each job is a good place to start.

  • Telling people about ADHD - I don’t tell people specifically that I have ADHD. I do tell them about areas where I struggle, though. For example, I’ll tell my supervisor that I struggle with remembering things and may need reminders and may ask questions repeatedly. I tell them that if something like a task is “out of sight out of mind” it won’t get done. I keep important things to do in my e-mail inbox, and I have a list of duties I need to do each day which I update the day before. I don’t want to disclose my mental health issues for fear of discrimination, but if I talk generally about where I struggle and how the employer can support me it usually goes better. For example, “I would appreciate if you could send me a reminder before a deadline to make sure I’m getting something done. Or if you would check in periodically about important things to make sure they haven’t slipped my mind.”

  • Boredom - This can be a big challenge. Depending on your job, there may be ways to help challenge it. For me, I find that starting or taking on new projects is a way to combat boredom. Maybe it’s not something that I’m typically doing as part of my job, but maybe if I spend a little extra time and take the initative in an area it will give me a challenge and something new. It can be hard because I can impulsively start a lot of things and then lose steam, but when it has worked in the past it has helped me end up with more skills and experiences to put on a resume and helped me get better jobs.

  • Organization - This is a struggle for me, and I’ve really had to find a system that works for me. It takes practice. I am not someone who likes to write things down, but I have to in my current role. I use spreadsheets and an Outlook calendar to stay on task. I don’t really use my phone for reminders because I never carry it with me and it’s always on silent. My home is a mess, and it will likely always be. I try to focus all my organizational efforts at work. Again, medication has helped in this area.

I definitely want to validate your struggles. It can feel impossible and devastating to not succeed and keep hitting the same walls. But there will eventually be a way around them if you find what works for you. Maybe it’s a different job that allows you to be more active or challenges you. Maybe it’s a supervisor who is more attentive and helps you manage the things that are hard. Maybe it’s a good coworker who can prompt you and give reminders. I still end up in jobs that aren’t good fits for me, but I’m still growing and finding ways to make my days easier for me, and to still stay employed. I think it can be done.

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See,

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That’s exactly what I do. So I’m doing the right thing :tada::tada:

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