For background context I have very severe ADHD, and some other learning disabilities such as dyslexia, and I also have like situational OCD, what I mean by that is, if I’m calm and there’s not other stressing variables, my OCD isn’t really expressive, and if it is, it’s something small, but i’m much more able to let shit go, but when i’m just overall stressed, I become like neurotic or manic-like with OCD shit, like if i’m doing something, WAY OVERLY PERFECTIONISM, NO MATTER THE COSTS OR CONSEQUENCE. The only point as to which i’m adding this, is that, in order for me to focus or at least more so, be somewhat in control of my focus, it takes a lot of pieces to fall or be put in place, which is a lot easier said than done for me.
Do give you a quick rundown, go back a couple years, and I forced myself to go from an extroverted person with friends, to an anti social person with no friends, the reason being was so that I could focus on school. Fast forward a little while ahead, after a rough, idk like year or whatever, this girl I kinda made fun of before and me start talking yata yata, I never really liked this girl before, genuinely, but she matured a lot and I apologized and such.
Not before long we were talking, like talk talking, and I’m skipping a lot here but i’m just not trying to write a 36 page book, so i’m tryna be concise. Then we we’re dating, we dated for like a year, and keep in mind I virtually still had really no friends, like I was social with people at school and all, but not like making plans and such, and didn’t really talk to anyone outside of school unless they messaged me.
But the point being, is that for awhile she was really the only person like in my world, and I liked her a lot, obviously, but a notable part here would also be that people with ADHD have emotional dysregulation, similar to Borderline personality disorder, and I have it pretty badly, so I have very strong emotions, quickly, I have a higher range of emotions than a neurotypical person etc. etc.
Fast forward some more, and we break up, we also kinda had our mini-break ups previously. When I broke up with her, it wasn’t because I didn’t love her anymore or anything like that, but there was a lot of reasons but I still loved her.
When we broke I tried ignoring it, and focusing on my responsibilities, I didn’t want my emotions to get in the way of my productivity, but they still did a bit anyway.
We tried being friends off and on that summer but it didn’t really work out, I honestly couldn’t take it.
During the summer I had summer work for classes, they were difficult classes and there was a solid amount of work to do. I had actually started on the work early for once, and had a decent start, but every single day, during the summer I couldn’t get myself to focus on it.
I was too in my head, I couldn’t get her out of my mind, and it was killing me.
The only way I could remotely get her out of my mind, is I would try to distract myself as hard as I could with video games and such.
So what started happening, was a really nasty addictive cycle, I would take Adderall like usual, had been on it for a little while, few year, never had no problems with it, and it really helped me with all of my symptoms, but when I started taking it after we broke up, it really didn’t work, because I would take it, try to go do my summer work, and couldn’t because I couldn’t stop thinking of her, even with the reduced emotional response that amphetamines can cause.
So then I would try to distract myself with something such as video games, but this lead to, instead of me taking Adderall and playing videogames and then doing my summer work, it instead became, me taking Adderall and playing videogames, then stopping, then realizing the second I stopped playing, I thought about her, so while I was fully aware of how much i’d fuck myself over by doing it, I would keep taking adderall and keep playing video games continuously, all through the night.
I honestly couldn’t focus on a video game sometimes without Adderall, and it wasn’t due to oxidative brain damage or anything like that I can ensure you, it was because I was just very, very depressed, that I couldn’t even do that. Even on Adderall sometimes I couldn’t, sometimes I couldn’t do anything by stare at my ceiling for hours on end, medicated or not. But it led to a very nasty cycle where I was taking Adderall back to back, day and night, and playing videogames endlessly to avoid thinking of her, now it wasn’t just only avoiding my thoughts and such. But I did somewhat justify it, with I honestly thought that to some extent, just passing as much time as I could would help, so running from my thoughts, wouldn’t be an awful idea, because eventually when they reoccur after some time passes they won’t be as bad, because ya know the time heals all wounds concept, to some extent I was right.
Now the school year starts, and some time and such moves on throughout the school year.
There were a few times, we texted randomly, I really didn’t want any contact at all, but have very little self control sometimes, and emotionally initiated it a couple times, only to later block her etc. And feel guilty that I gave in. And I was also still made that every-time I saw her, and like after about a year of being broken up, I still physically felt butterflies and such, or like a body high (not a boner, but like idk almost like weed, idk if other people get a body high from people they like or not), but mentally I wasn’t even really into her anymore, but I was pissed at myself that I guess subconsciously still felt some-type of way, because of the body high etc. And it pissed me off more because this was at school, so I was on Adderall, and Adderall tends to significantly lower your emotions for a lot of people with ADHD, without writing a book of science here to explain it, like for example, I tend to talk far less and feel less of a need to be social, overall also less sexual, even during times when being sexual would other wise seem irresistible, and such, on adderall I regulate my emotions better, they aren’t as strong or overwhelming etc. But still when I saw her, I felt some type of way, and it pissed me off, because I was also on drugs that lower my ability to feel some type of way.
I had an overall rough school year as well.
she tried talking to me in person, and was kinda really annoying, and I kinda gave a lot of attitude and didn’t really care at that point. Also there was a girl there who I think was 1 of her friends, and after she left was that girl was being real flirty with me, I was still aggravated so kinda even more anti social but that girl kinda kept pursing me, and she kinda actually made me smile and laugh a bit.
But at this point I was really kinda just over her, I didn’t really find myself thinking about her, I didn’t really feel some type of way, really either way, but she was being very annoying so then it aggravated me but I was able to not think of her much.
Then it’s a little while after, Idk maybe weeks, or w.e
And she adds me on snap or messages me or w.e, and I felt that I didn’t have feelings for her anymore, so I wouldn’t really care if she was on my snap or w.e because it wouldn’t be on my mind all the time.
We start talking and we reminisce a bit, we started to talk for long times and I started to get into the talking a lot with her again, like for hours on end texting about stuff, sending each other old pictures and videos etc. Talking about memories and gifts and all.
She kinda wanted to be friends, and I was like sure yeah, but the first time we hung out again in person, we became more than friends again pretty quickly. It was awkward almost, but it also paradoxically wasn’t. And i’ll admit, I did medicate a bit most times we hung out, because I wanted to be in control of my emotions and not fall head over heals impulsively.
We are kinda, like almost friends with benefits, we aren’t talking as much as we used to at all, but when we did, we would talk for hours sometimes, and we didn’t hang out no where near as much but when we did, it wasn’t like we were together, but it wasn’t like we weren’t either.
Now she convinced me that she wanted to get back together because, I didn’t wana rush into things, because for me before it screwed me over big time, but I kinda almost wasn’t able to control rushing into things, I didn’t exactly rush into things, well I kinda did, but it could’ve been a lot worse, but I didn’t take it as slow as I wanted, because I thought I was over her completely, because I kinda was, but then when we kinda got back together for a short period, I wasn’t head over heels, but I was far more in my feelings than I expected and couldn’t just suppress them or subjugate them as much as I thought.
Then after a short period, some things happen, some kinda screwed up things too, that happen to me but doesn’t matter. But it turns out it isn’t what she wanted, and initially it really wasn’t what I wanted, but I was too emotionally impulsive to say no and such, and I thought I didn’t care, but realized far too into it I really still did. But we break up, and it kinda sucks.
Now summer usually sucks for me, why? because I have no structure, I have nothing to keep me in line, I have oppositional defiant disorder as well, so I reject structure ironically, but also enjoy it kinda, but I also can’t really manage myself, so I fall apart during summer.
She’s on my mind a bit, sorta like the last time, I’m kinda pissed at myself, because I thought I was over her, and I should’ve just kept up the no contact, but I didn’t and then she was on my mind again, and I did sorta what I did before, take ADHD drugs with good intention to be productive, try to do it, and loneliness and missing her kicked in, can’t focus on what I need to do, do games to take my mind off of it, and then repeat from last time, except, it really was not as bad this time tbh.
Sometimes I’d message her, every few weeks or what ever, and kinda almost wanted to start talking, but it felt she didn’t so I tried not to talk to her, and it mostly worked, with a small exception maybe once or twice max every 3-4 weeks, possibly less. I forget what but I may have talked to her briefly like last week or 2 weeks ago, it was about nothing, it was kinda of oh hey, hey, and like nothing after that.
With school starting, it actually gave me some structure back, and I really didn’t think about her at all, days I cold turkey went off medication, I generally felt pretty good, I mean couldn’t really be productive, but emotionally was just kinda overall happy and positive vibes, and days that I medicated I felt positive vibes all around for the most part, and tip in positive vibes was short-lived, and not caused by thinking of her but just dumb stuff like not eating or drinking water, or like bad sleep, but it was relatively short and fixed quickly.
I’ve been having technical issues so haven’t really been getting much done at school yet.
But today, I was extra medicated, and I felt very calm and that paradoxically Adderall sedation feeling that some ADHD people get, but also like a nice focus with it too, I was able to resolve technicals issues, and started working on school work, still today pretty damn positive vibes, even my calm sedated adderall vibes were positive and a bit more of emotions, [ unlike a lot of people, I should mention, usually the higher the dosage you go with Adderall for me, the less and less emotions I have, like apathy almost but not really, like, light apathy, but I don’t get that euphoric high, where I don’t shut up and all, my friends who take Adderall and don’t have ADHD get like that, I get like more and more relaxed, and i’m not at all referring to taking like 60, 80 mg dosages and shit, i’m talking like
20 or 15 mg instead of 10 mg dexedrine and such, my doctor told me I was undermedicated before and such, but that doctor moved so rip:/]
But to get to the main point, today I was feeling good, and I was being very productive, and doing well, and then all of a sudden, she, messages me on Zoom…
I actually laughed at first just because I wasn’t expecting it, now at first I was very dismissive, and made it probably obvious I didn’t want to talk, she also sent just pictures of her face and shit randomly, I mean she probably messaged me just cause she was bored, but even if that’s not the case, I don’t think I want to pursue it even if she did want to talk again.
But the problem is, I have stuff to do, and even on my medication, NOW I’M THINKING ABOUT HER AGAIN, AND I HAVE STUFF TO DO. I kept checking to see if she texted me again, or anything, and then i’m like “dude stop doing that” to myself, and when ever I tried doing schoolwork after it today, half the time I end up staring at it, and thinking about her, I’ve got essays and stuff to write, but she keeps popping up in my damn head because she messaged me on Zoom.
I was doing so great, and flawlessly before that point, I hadn’t even been thinking of her at all, and I was focusing so well, but boom she messages me, and now I can’t stop, and even when I distract myself, the same effect happens. The second I stop with a distraction, she pops back into my god damn mind.
I don’t know what to do mate, I can’t effectively do my best work, when I keep thinking about her, as i’m trying to do it.
And for reference, the essay I have to do, involves recalling memories and such.
And I actually usually have a trash memory, like vacations, people and all this important stuff, I have completely no recollection of. Like people I knew for a few years, little to no recollection of. etc.
But I recall so much of me and her, convos, experiences/memories and all, I recall it so perfectly, like it’s uncanny, especially for me because I have an awful memory.
But I’m having trouble recalling things, because if I think or recall more so, It some how goes back to her, and I get distracted thinking about her, and thinking about her, makes me recall more and more memories of her and such, and they’re so vivid and everything, I’ve had traumatic experiences and such, and I don’t even recall those nearly as much or vividly, and you would think, that due to the way some of the memories work I would. It may obviously be due to emotions right? But the thing is, there’s tons of other emotional things I have zero memory of, there’s vacations that I went on during middle school years, and I have no recollection of ever going there, I only know because someone had a photo of me, and not just 1 vacation, but multiple, and I looked happy in the photo so must’ve had a good time, but no recollection or very little of so many other things, that are emotionally significant.
But I recall even boring conversations with her.
I’m so lost at what to do here, because nothing is seeming to help, and I have to do stuff by deadlines…