Friendship is Hard


#22

No no no, don’t explain. ADHD, I’ve had mixed results. I say that I prefer for people to email me information. I say let me know about changes of schedule early. Don’t give me a lot of directions before I type out details on phone.

I’m the hyper kind ADHD. My former boss wrote a thing to my new boss and said I’m very, “energetic.”


#23

That first sentence: Yes!!! OMG!


#24

That said, an admin told the whole group she had ADD. And so of course I talked to her about it afterwards…


#25

HI! New here, newly diagnosed. I am 30 and I have always had an issue with making and maintaining friendships. This feed is literally like reading my own story. I carry so much guilt because I have a five year old son who has a hard time with friendships as well, and I blame myself. Here’s to hoping that things will start to turn around soon. I’m so thankful to have found this platform!


#26

Gee Izzy, I can certainly relate. I have become uncertain of everything I say and do.
The 59 year old that had self esteem from her former position in her work world has lost it after moving and working for someone else. I thought I was doing good to accept perceived criticism without comment. What I failed to realize was my face was saying what my brain was thinking… and my employer read my face as comments actually worse than my thoughts!
Social anxiety has always been an issue for me. I FEEL like I’m being judged constantly. I’ve failed with friendships I thought were sound because of expressing feelings, being honest, lack of self esteem.
Thank you for your post! And thank you to this forum!


#27

Absolutely! I am fond of texting but not phone calls.
It allows me time to think about the reply and modify from the first knee jerk response!


#28

This got me thinking and I think I’ve had an ephiphany.

So I hate making phone calls if I can avoid it, but I like texting. I’m better than the rest of my family. I’ve had a couple jobs over the years that required me to use the phone a lot, so I’ve gotten less anxious about it. (Confidence with experience and all) My mother’s side of the family actively avoids phone calls if they can. It’s almost a phobia. Well, maybe not even almost.

I’d never thought before about the fact that impulsivity might be behind our aversion to the phone. So, as a brain, I am impulsive and often talk without thinking, which we all know can cause huge problems. So, if brains are afraid of saying the wrong thing because we’ve spent our lives doing so and suffering the consequences, it seems completely logical that we would fear phone calls! And conversely like texting because we can curate what we say!

EDIT: It’s not just impulsivity. When I’m on the phone I can often get distracted by something and completely miss what the other person said, which comes across as rude and indifferent and feelings get hurt. With texting, if I get distracted they don’t really know it, because I’ll reply eventually.


#29

As a “Newbie” in this forum… it’s been so nice to hear other people discuss ADD and help each other understand our euniqe minds.
For me simply understanding why something works…or doesn’t, is really BIG! I grew up learning to groom dogs so I might not have to work with as many people. Silly me. Nobody told me the other end of that leash is occupied by a human! :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: And it was that human that was going to pay me.
I had to do the job 25 years before becoming an industry expert and world competitor to have the confidence and skills to steer the client efficiently.
I read that many ADD people also have dyslexia! What a blessing I didn’t have dyslexia to boot. I found out very early that if I write out something… then let it be, sometimes just putting it to paper is enough to satisfy me. However, if I NEED to do anything remotely negative, confrontational or difficult to express… writing it and coming back again and again if needed to see if my words might be perceived in a way I didn’t intend - I am able to think it through and be smarter and more accurate in the words I choose!
Thank you for your reply! You started my day off well!


#30

I’m getting better at writing down conversational point on phone and then waiting my turn


#31

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have never someone really say exactly what is going on in my head but you were spot on. I have one friend who is currently in South Korea and I am in the states. We have almost nothing in common but really enjoy our company. I bet you will be able to meet someone that you will click with.
I have been at my new job for 6 months and I know one of my co-workers because she recommended the job to me. When I met my small team or anyone I immediately thought in my head am I going to be able to be friends with anyone. I would hear people say they were going out for drinks or talk about things I knew nothing about and all my head would do is focus on what I was interested in or as you said listening to talk not listening to listen its so hard! *ANY TIPS? I understand what its like to feel alone. I am married and the only person that really understands me and gets me is my wife but I have been trying for years to find my BEST friend. I guess ill have to keep searching.

I have never felt so understood! THANK YOU!!!


#32

Isabel, we are all awkward.

Important thing I’ve discovered, us adults need friends and play dates. Otherwise we can’t give it all to the kiddos


#33

Real friends don’t cut you out, no matter what the circumstance or happening. If you are fortunate enough to be my friend, I accept you-any way you are and the same is true for me. I have strong opinions and express them without hesitation or reservation. Those I love are built the same way. That’s what makes friendship such a BLAST!! Be honest. Be kind. Be gentle.
Above all, be yourself. Focus on helping others and, before you know it, you’ll be surprised at how many people WANT to be your friend. A true friend knows all your shortcomings and still hangs with you.


#34

Omg… I do this all the time. I can’t stop myself from interrupting a conversation… and if i ever dont interrupt then i would have totally disconnected coz im bored n not interested in their talk…
2 days bk before meeting another mum at my daughter’s school, i made up my mind not to interrupt… but yes i did… i couldn’t stop myself… as i started telling her my viewpoint… as i speak i can hear a voice in my head… u lost the battle again…
This time after finishing my talking… i said " I realise i interrupted u while u were saying about that… can u say it again… " felt good after that but still i kept blaming myelf for not getting it right…


#35

For awhile I played a game to increase the quality of my conversations. I counted to 10 after they finished any answer and kept an open, listening posture, and many times they go on and open up in the warmest ways because they realize they are heard. Sometimes, I would nod my head and half smile and ask, “Is there more?”
People remember keenly how you made them feel and this makes many feel safe and appreciated. They will begin to trust you more. And you’ll learn surprising things from them.
Try it. I have to get back to it myself.


#36

That’s is brilliant and so true!


#37

I think mine is more anxiety-fueled, although I think I get where you come from. I prefer either face to face (because you get facial expressions to help you grasp some of the subtle hidden meanings) or texting (even better: email because it’s okay to not answer those right away) because I don’t have to do it in real time.

But that’s not why I don’t phone. I’ve never been very averse to talking on the phone - depending on who with, I might even enjoy it (although the most pleasant phone friend I ever had was one who was alos okay with us not talking, even on the phone). What I really suck at is calling people: the act of taking the initiative to call somebody up. I’ll forget it, postpone it, decide the time isn’t just right or my voice isn’t all there or I haven’t got all the information.Also, I know from people calling me how rude it can be to call somebody and just expect them to have the time for you and I don’t want to do that to my friends. But mostly, when it’s casual stay-in-touch calling, I’ll just forget to do that, then forget it some more, then feel really self-conscious about not having done that for the longest time yet again and so on. (This also happens with texts and mails. It gets better the lower the bar is, though. Facebok messaging works okay for me.)


#38

I lose friends because I often avoid social events and I’m also so bad at keeping in touch, I rarely answer my phone or reply to messages and understandably people just give up on me, also I recently arranged to meet an old friend who I haven’t seen for ages but I completely forgot about it and didn’t turn up, I still haven’t messaged to apologise, I feel really bad about it too.
I really miss some of my old friends, I know what I should do but I just can’t do it.


#39

My social life has atrophied to the point where I feel like it’s almost impossible to make a connection for anything above aquaintance level. I’m 50 now.

All of my social skills (and even during my darkest days when I was at school and uni, I still had some…) seem to have evaporated. Nobody much has any interest in things I want to talk about, and conversation topics that other people seem to find interesting are of little interest to me.

I don’t really hold much hope these days of connecting with anyone. Least of all a romantic interest. Meh.

It’s always a nice feeling when everybody else catches up for beers after work, and I’m rarely invited.


#40

Thank you for the tip to ask is there more… I would of never thought of that easy tool.


#41

I often get frustrated in conversation as I’m usually 3 steps ahead ,I feel I have already interpreted any of the possible answers I would get, and have answered back before I’ve even finished my statement . It’s as frustrating for me as it is for whoever I’m taking too.As I feel like I’m wasting my breath . I can appear extremely inconsiderate and almost passive aggressive. In my delivery. :performing_arts: