Hey AMAK, sounds like you’re in a similar situation.
I’ve enjoyed the four wheel driving, fishing etc. myself. But it’s just not my game. I’m playing someone else’s game, which is fine. Except my own game just gets shoved in the back of the cupboard covered in dust.
One of the things that bugs me in this life is that I’m always expected to change myself to fit other people’s sensitivities or ideas of how things should be. It’s a constant.
I can’t recall any situation in life where others have changed themselves to suit me.
So it seems that I’m constantly having to make an effort for everybody else, but when I need something myself, it’s always way too much to ask, and not their problem.
The hacker space sounds interesting. I’ll look into that. I’ve had aspirations to be a “maker”. Got the 3D printer in bits, after messing with it, getting one or two prints out and then getting frustrated. A whole bunch of other projects (Arduino for example) that I’ve hyperfocused on for weeks and then backed away from. It would be cool to find some people who could help me with motivation, ideas and tips.
It’s the emotional dysregulation that has been my downfall at work. It has always been the thing that caused me the most problems. In second place, the way I process information and the conclusions I come to seem to piss people off. Which in turn feeds the emotional stuff.
I’ve worked in tech before. I was the project manager for a multimedia company. Loved it. But ended up with a boss who didn’t pay his staff or creditors. When I kicked up a bit of noise about myself and my staff not having been paid in six weeks, I lost the job, my entire portfolio of work, and I’d pulled out of study to take this job in the first place. So no qualifications, no reference, no portfolio, and nothing to prove that I could actually do the job I’d done. Back to square one. I never got past square one again, and moved to Melbourne.
Aviation was great. Every minute was a new challenge, and in many ways it suited my brain. Some very difficult times, but I was motivated to get through them. That all fell in a heap, due to the massive finances needed just to maintain my qualifications, to train for further career advancement, and my fiancee’s reaction to the fact that I’d spent all our money. The flying stopped.
As for getting into a project when I’m in the doldrums… Traditionally my answer would be to bomb my brain with weed, watch Netflix or something, and wait it out. I was never able to really dig into a project in that state, just wearing a dent in the couch.
But the weed is not helpful in the job hunting efforts, so I’ve pretty much quit that, after 35 years of it. That, and the meds, have allowed me to work on projects instead of just hyperfocusing on them and then doing nothing much.
Hopefully that will help. And hopefully a lack of THC in the blood will make finding work less of a game that I can lose. I’ve got a medical coming up next week. With luck, I’ll be busting my arse covered in sweat and breathing in toxic fumes again by the end of the week.
The meds have helped in that respect. Currently I’m almost 90% started on a project, which seems to have held my attention longer than many. I’m planning on smashing it today, now I have all the bits in place.
I’m almost out of pet food, so I really do need this job. I’ve already been at the point of having to consider euthanasia for my animals. Not a good thought. Only half a tank of fuel too.
I’m not too concerned about people who are disengaged, there are plenty of those. It’s the people who are openly hostile or who consistently put me on the defensive just for breathing that bug me. And I’ll be fine, mature and adult about it for ages. But the straws build up on the camel’s back over time, and then one day an anvil will drop on it.
Sometimes it will be an accumulation of straws from so many different directions that it won’t even need the anvil. A stiff breeze from the wrong direction will be enough to flip the switch.
Anyway, I appreciate your advice, and it’s all good.
Dealing with friendship at this point takes a lower priority for me than not having enough food to feed my pets.