Thanks for the encouragement @lui, @Brooklyn, and @JohnW.
This thread is about my choice to see “the Light” in the midst of all of life’s turmoils, and I can choose to be grateful for all the good in my life when there are so many things going on that are out of my control. (btw- Thank you Barry, for that Quaker blessing!)
The responses from you all certainly adds to my assurance that life is still good even when bad things are trying to overwhelm.
- Up until a few months ago, I would have been overwhelmed, but much has changed for me because I’ve been getting the support, encouragement, and medical treatment for my ADHD (and I’m no longer under a heavy burden of anxiety). This HowToADHD forum, with the many marvelous people here, has been very uplifting!
As for the struggles I can’t share publicly, I have a support system consisting of my pastor and close family, and I’m considering going to counseling again since it helped me so much before. I’m grateful for that support system. Everybody needs to have a support system of people they can trust and go to when they need someone to talk to.
The struggles that I can share here are as follows…
(Fittingly, these are regarding my ADHD, while the other struggles are not.)
First, my medication journey:
*My doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication for a month before assessing and treating me for ADHD, since the anxiety was the bigger problem.
*Then he started me on 10mg Adderall XR for one month. I found that it helped me to be able to have some direct conscious control over my attention, with some effort (not as much control as I had hoped for, but it definitely made a difference at work). It also made my sense of time feel more distinct. (Without meds, five minutes could feel like an hour to me, or an hour could feel like five minutes…it was elastic and unpredictable. With Adderall, my sense of time was much more distinct (often feeling like it was “just right”, with variance being more like five minutes could feel like ten, or ten minutes feel like five).
- Then, he changed the dosage to 20mg Adderall XR for a month. I didn’t feel that it helped any more than the 10mg dose, and for the first week I often felt like my heart was beating faster. I didn’t notice it the rest of that month, but mentioned it at my next appointment with my doctor. It turned out that my heart rate was around 100bpm at my last two appointments, so he was concerned that the Adderall was causing tachycardia. He didn’t renew my prescription, and he instructed me to track my heart rate daily, and to report the numbers to him.
- The cheap smartwatch that I bought to track my heart rate is a bit inconsistent, but from what I can tell there was no real difference between my heart rate on or off Adderall. It took a month of reporting about weekly, but I reached a compromise with him… He prescribed 5mg.
- After a week of not seeing any benefit, I doubled my dose yesterday (shhhh! Don’t tell my doctor!) and it helped me to feel more focused and less distractible, but then my kids were even more distracting than usual. (Go figure!)
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I’m grateful to have ADHD medication, and it’s good to know that there’s something that is at least somewhat effective for me. (I’m hoping that my doctor is willing to try the 10mg dose again, or maybe have me try Strattera [atomoxetine], since what I’ve read about it makes it seem sound like it might be a good option for me.)
Second, my work journey:
- I’ve been in my new job for 8 months now, and I had my first performance evaluation. It was better than I expected!
- I know there is much room to improve, and my request for training has spurred a bigger conversation to address the training needs of my whole team! (The overall cost of training has gone down, thanks to COVID. That’s because there had been a shift from in-person training that requires travel, to virtual training. This means that more people can get training from the same budget!)
- Since my position is new, first-of-it’s-kind for the organization, there’s been a lot of grace extended to me as we all figure out the right balance of responsibilities.
- Now that my Manager and teammates have completed a major project, and a new Director has been hired to fill a long-empty vacancy, there’s more structure and stability in the department.
- I’m grateful for this new stage in my career, and I look forward to the opportunities it brings.
It took my 4 hours to write this (since I took today’s meds for yesterday’s test), but grateful that I had the time to do so. It made me do a lot of thinking.
Yeah, if it took me 4 hours to write because of my ADHD distractibility, I don’t expect anyone else with ADHD to be able to follow along. (I didn’t review my post to make sure that it was readable.)
Sounds like a good move for you! Wish you the best!