This is a post I did make on r/adhd. Not karma hunting or looking for sympathy points I am just needing a place to vent and learn about what is going on with me. I am not having the best couple of weeks (can’t really think of too many good weeks anyways). I tend to overthink. If I don’t get the outcome I expect or hope for then I don’t manage well with continuing the task I set out for. So, I guess I found myself here because I felt like my post was a burden, or stupid, or something. It is like I have a logical part of my brain telling me how to go about things but this other part just doesn’t want or care about any of that.
I am newly diagnosed, not even a year. When I started therapy, my therapist asked if I wanted to try medicine or coping techniques. I am somewhat weird about medication because I am always wary of how it will affect me. I have done well with some coping strategies, but other things still seem challenging to do. One of the most significant issues I have is silencing my brain; for a while, I self-medicated with alcohol. It feels like I have so many internal thoughts, and they are just fragments, too. It is like being in a room with ten other people, and you ask, “Where do you want to go eat?” They all respond simultaneously. Yet, half of them quickly start talking about how to get there and when we should leave, and a couple of them are talking about what they will order; they all still respond simultaneously, and one of them is saying, “Why don’t we just make food at home?” The worst part is sometimes these thoughts never finish, and they just tangent into the next. Why is my inner voice so exhausting? It is so mentally exhausting that I usually do nothing. The worst part is sometimes this doesn’t happen, and I can think somewhat clearly. It is so frustrating! I was able to think usually, so what can I figure out how to always do that?
A big success in therapy is that I finally reached the point of learning acceptance (I believe), which I struggle with due to other reasons. Learning to accept that this isn’t an easy fix, that my brain won’t work like everyone else’s, that I have to work within my means and stop comparing myself to others in the same situations. Timers and notes all do fine. Yet, what do I do when I can’t get myself to set that timer or leave that note? I can tell myself, “this is what you need to do,” but I can’t move my fucking feet to do it. Then, the judgment sets in “Am I just lazy?” “No, I just don’t know what the f@!# I am doing.” “You aren’t able to do this. Just go do something else.” So, what do I do? I distract myself and succumb to playing a game or streaming something. I don’t know how to hold onto that idea of acceptance. I know it is there, and I want it but maintaining it is difficult.
I started this morning feeling like crap and thought to myself, “Look, you’ve felt like this before. Today you’ll pick up your training and get back to practicing programming.” Yet, I am not. Why? Because I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know where to start – where I last left off, or should I start over since it has been a bit? Why can’t I make a f!@#ing decision? Why can’t I just have one linear thought? Seriously, can the medication stop this racing in my head?