Mmmmm… thank you @vh0622, @Brooklyn, @AMAK
I really appreciate your thoughtful feedback.
It feels really supportive to have a space to express some of what I’ve been experiencing – I’d like to share a little…
Its been a scary ride.
I’ve had support here from my partner (who was diagnosed 2 years ago at age 38). He offered me some of his Dexedrine, which I used in an 'independent trial, if you will.
When I finally met with my doctor he said “So, you tried dexedrine and felt like a normal human?”
…felt like a normal human…
those words are still echoing in me.
Big questions have been coming up within me such as –
“Do I need medication, or can I make adjustments in my lifestyle that allow me to be how I most naturally am and thrive?”
“Why am I choosing to succumb to the pace of our cultural norms if ‘keeping up’ requires me to medicate?”
…yet, of course, when I’m real with myself, I do see that the symptoms extend far beyond productivity and time management…
I can see how deeply my brain chemistry has effected my relationships throughout my life in regards to emotional dysregulation and impulse control. This ‘way of being’ has really taken a toll in so many ways and I’m finding it difficult to communicate or feel understood by my family who have experienced ‘my way’ for so long.
I’ve felt ostracized, judged and blamed for so long for being ‘too emotional’, ‘too sensitive’, ‘unmotivated’, ‘lazy’, ‘the problem child’ etc etc…
I can see how much this has affected my self-esteem and confidence. I’m highly skilled and have a lot to offer my community yet haven’t really taken flight fully.
I’m hopeful that this is a turning point for me and that things will get better.
When I decided to try meds for the first time last month, my mother was wildly opposed to the idea and showed up at my house with a huge basket of supplements such as fish oil, magnesium, homeopathic remedies etc. Bless her heart. I see that it all comes from love…and, it kinda hurts to not feel understood or to have the belief that dietary supplements will be ‘enough’ to help me where I’m at.
Of course, thats all important - diet, exercise, mindset work…
and, it feels really supportive to have found an online community that understands firsthand the experience and real need for meds.
Perhaps it will be a short-terms fix to help me as I feel as though I’m currently drowning in the compounded effects of having lived my whole life undiagnosed.
Do any of you feel inspired to speak to the experience of stopping meds because you feel like things are going well… and then crashing again? (I feel this happened last week).
Anyways, a long share -
thank you for the space.