I can relate to this . . . Even though I am a bit () older than you. I have 2 adult children, 37 y.o. daughter & 42 y.o. son who has 2 daughters (8 & 11). I have ADHD, my son has ADHD, and his older daughter has ADHD.
I’ve been married 46 years (to the same woman). We have a solid marriage and are throughly there for each other. However, at times we have different opinions as to what is ADHD behavior (i.e. impulsive, difficult to control) versus deliberate, conscious behavior that I could control . . . if only I wanted to. At times I get confused myself. When I am anxious, tired, and/or frustrated, I am more likely to get annoyed (“angry” my wife would say). Furthermore, once I get annoyed / angry I get “stuck” and it is hard to cool off and have a calm, polite discussion with my wife.
It is tricky business. But I know, and to some extent my wife agrees, that ADHD is the basis for some of my reactions and behaviors. The executive control center of a typical ADHD brain is different than a “normal” brain. Not enough energy to maintain control when overloaded, taxed, challenged.
Those who experience ADHD, live with ADHD, struggle with ADHD, or live with someone with ADHD . . . We all need to keep open the lines of communication! It can be tiring, but is better than giving up. Quite honestly, over the years of my marriage, there have been a few times when my wife said that she was not sure she could or wanted to keep co-habinating. There are NO EASY ANSWERS (once the name of a book about ADHD or Learning disabilities or general mental health . . . Frankly I do not recall exactly after many years).
Think I’ll stop here. Maybe something I’ve said could be helpful . . .
In any event, glad to chat!