Hi all! I am new to the forums and would love some perspective. I have posted on a couple of other posts, but am new enough I don’t want to derail others threads or mess up the dynamic :).
I’m a mostly happily married Heart. 13 years married/ 18 years together/ started dating when I was 14. He’s known about his ADHD since middle school and I knew early on in our dating relationship.We have two boys, 3 and 8 months. We also have 2 dogs, a house, and all the comes with being a couple in their 30s.
When we were first married I made it my personal goal to be the best wife to my Brain. He was finishing his electrical engineering degree so I worked while he was in school. I took over the house work completely, from finances to chores to cooking. Homework took him a long time and I wanted him to succeed. I also helped with his symptoms with systems set up to help him avoid distractions, etc. He was grateful and was not taking advantage, just legitimately did not have time to help.
At the time we were in a small apartment and it was just the two of us which was pretty easy. Then we got the house, the dogs, the kids and my aging parents moved to town… I’m still doing all the things with not much help from him with one major caveat I want to make clear-- he is an amazing father who drops everything and anything for our boys. He even took night feedings! SAINT!
I’m struggling right now as a Heart with too much to do. I’ve asked for his help, we’ve scheduled things into his day, tried incorporating things into his routine, and it just hasn’t taken yet. I don’t have time to fully devote myself to helping with symptoms but even my old tricks don’t seem to be working. He has hyper-focused on long distance cycling which has taken hours away from his family. I don’t mind the cycling at all, a super healthy thing for him to do, but it’s the two hours it takes to get everything ready. I can’t help because I am not allowed to touch the bike or his bike computer (it’s a thing, I don’t understand it, but he is all about it). Since he is consistently home late from work, that means on cycling days (four days a week, I put a limit on it) I don’t see him at all. If I don’t stop him right away, he spends the other days focusing on the statistics from his cycling computer. He struggles with a concept of time and has missed a lot of important things because of it, which has been really hard. Our children are adopted, which requires a lot of meetings, many of which he was late to or almost missed completely. We almost missed the plane when our son was being born!
I hate talking about this aspect of our marriage and my husband because he truly is a great man, but it’s been tough lately. Not in a “at the end of my rope, going to divorce” kind of way, because I’m a stubborn woman who said I do along time ago and I know my husband has some complications he has to overcome. And I kind of love the guy a little bit :).
In any case, I’m just very tired, all the time. Our 8 month old was born with illegal substances and has had a hard start medically. Our 3 year old is in the “say no to everything mom says” phase. We have open adoptions so I’m in charge of keeping up contact with birth family, which is great but is a lot of work! Our dogs are getting old and seem to have medical issues all the time. My parents live here now and though they “help” with the kids, they are also forgetting things and needing my help with a lot of things around their home. When I get “time for myself” (as an only child, I like some private time!) it’s usually doing something on my to do list without the kids present.
I really do love my life, I don’t want to sound whiny! It’s just a lot right now!
So, I joined how to ADHD to learn more about how my husband’s brain works and others who have similar experiences to him fight them, and maybe just hear from some parents who have survived the very young years with ADHD :).