Hiya. I went to the Emergency Room.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self-harm & suicide. Please don’t read the spoiler tags if you’re sensitive to these topics. <3

I wasn’t sure initially where I wanted to post this. I’m not great with getting a lot of attention, heh, and I struggle with struggling… y’know the whole “it could have been worse” thing. I initially thought successful and raves but… something in me is pushing me to support so here I am \o/

So if any of you have read Sometimes, just to survive, you need to hit 'pause'. this puppy, you’ll know that I was going through a rough time at work, while also struggling with a medication situation where I had the Sandoz Adderall XR generic that worked fabulously, but Sandoz Adderall XR was suddenly unavailable so I ended up with Actavis Adderall XR Generic (basic disclaimer: These are just my experiences with these generics, this does not mean Actavis is bad, it’s just not the right medication for me, just like Sandoz won’t be the right generic for others. :heart:) which was awful for me for various reasons. Well I was fighting to get the Sandoz brand and it wasn’t til a while later I learned it was backordered down to the manufacturing level. So I tried to get the name brand Adderall XR from Shire. Insurance decided they were going to be a jerk about it.

So I had to “pause” again.

But this time the pause wasn’t enough.

I was at work and it got bad… within an hour.

I had a full blown panic attack.

I had a full on spiraling meltdown.

I felt hopeless. I felt defeated. I felt weak. I felt like I couldn’t fight anymore. I was done.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of Self-Harm and Suicidal Thoughts. Please do not read this if you are not comfortable with these topics. Otherwise click the > to read.

I remember looking at my wrists thinking “It would be so easy if only someone could do it for me.”. Thinking that I just wanted it to end - that it would be great if I could just die painlessly and never have to fight for this necessary medication ever again.

I was not in a good place.

I am fortunate. I am lucky. I know the Head of Psychiatry at the hospital in my area. More specifically - I know his wife. She told me to go to the ER… that her husband will try to get me through as quickly as possible. So we went to the ER. Head of Psychiatry checked on me every 30 minutes or so, updating me on what he was trying to do - what he was hoping to accomplish since he had to pull some strings to get me in right away (even right away it was a 2 hour process, due to our hospital having one of the busiest ERs in the state).

Thankfully getting away from work. Being on a gurney where I could lie down and rest (couldn’t sleep, I was exhausted but still very awake as many of you know the feeling I’m sure). Being in a situation where I had to sit and wait… but knowing I had such a high degree of helping working for my needs… helped reduce the panic attack.

This was on Monday. As it turns out my normal psychiatrist works the hospital on Mondays and was able to come see me. She was able to talk to me, and work out a new battle plan right then and there. So we pulled me from the Adderall XR and put me on the generic form of Ritalin LA. Right now I don’t know if it’s working. I’m still emotionally exhausted (literally the next day my fiancee was taking a huge licensing exam that had us both anxious and terrified) and I definitely can’t wait to rest this weekend… but I’m doing better.

I had always said “I’m not doing THAT bad. I’m not feeling that horrible.”… but this time I finally listened. I finally admitted that yes. I was that bad. I stopped minimalizing my own suffering. I have no idea how much the ER visit is going to cost me… and I’m lucky enough to have a Mom who is more than willing to pay it if it’s too much (we’re still paying off Chris’s visit in December. :frowning: ) And I definitely realized how lucky I am to have that support. How lucky I am to have the Head of Psychiatry in my corner. I wish I could extend this luck to everyone. I really do.

Because I know I was getting to a place I hadn’t been before. A place I’ve floated over but always could talk myself out of. But this time I couldn’t. I had given up and lost all hope of getting what I needed in a timely manner (thanks insurance. Useful as always. /sarcasm) And admitting that yes I’m doing THAT bad was hard. It was admitting that I was in a very dark place, not just to others, but to myself. It was admitting that I couldn’t function without a good medication (of course when you’re coming off medication symptoms have a chance to come back with a vengeance, add that to the fact I had to stop suddenly and well. It wen’t a pleasant time.) - which I usually can do, when I’m on medication. But when I don’t have it and I can SEE that I don’t function… it hits a lot harder. I felt useless. I felt awful. I felt like a burden. I felt like getting paid for my job when all I could do was cry and stare at my screen in fear was wrong - that I was wrong. That is was my fault even though I knew it wasn’t. I questioned why I could do my job so well but then suddenly… I couldn’t comprehend anything. Or if I did comprehend it my brain recoiled away from it sharply because it was boring.

Of course logically I know this wasn’t my fault. I’m not the reason Sandoz Adderall XR is backordered. I’m not at fault for the way my brain functions. I’m not at fault for insurance being a spawn of Satan. I’m not at fault for the struggles I have that I cope with. But emotional doesn’t like to listen to logic. My emotions have been very locked away since Monday… trying to figure out how I feel… trying to figure out… how to express it – hell, trying to feel it because I know it’s there I just can’t access it right now.

I’m proud of myself because I finally did admit that yes I am doing horribly and I need help now. But I also am battling feelings of failure. Feelings of wow you couldn’t even last an hour at work without melting down. And again logically IT MAKES SENSE. I DIDN’T HAVE MEDICATION. Not only am I experiencing a light withdrawal but I don’t have anything keeping my ADHD in check. No shit I broke down… but emotion doesn’t care. Emotion waves off logic and emotion feels what it wants to feel.

So I guess now I know why I’m in support. Because… I need it.

I always have played the big strong fighter. The one that rebounds quickly and always has a smile on her face. (My psychiatrist noted that too: In the ER with a smile on your face. / Me: It’s a coping strategy. / Her: I know <3 [did I mention I love my psych???]) I usually come back and try to give you guys the life lessons I learned (SUCH AS GET HELP WHEREVER YOU CAN. I probably would’ve called a hotline if the ER hadn’t been an option.) but this is … a bit different. It’s part life lesson part… i need your help.

I’m still feeling super down. Feeling super pathetic. Feeling like a super failure at life. And it’s one thing to hear encouragement from family… at some point it’s nice to hear but… it’s easy to discard their words… I’m hoping that my brain won’t do that with you guys… that it will see others are like me… you all struggle. You all know these feelings of failure when you actually aren’t a failure at all. You guys understand… you guys live it just as much as I do… and I just… I don’t know what I really want. Encouragement… maybe. Encouragement and support… I didn’t really have a closing statement so I’m at a loss right now. But yeah. I’ll just leave this here before I ramble myself into a corner because I REALLY REALLY hate attention on me especially for things like this (I’m working on it.) but I know that I’ll never get over it if I don’t just… do it. Heh.

Either way thanks for reading. Listening. And being a community I can come to when I feel really vulnerable and scared. :heart:

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Ohhh I’m so sorry!!! You’ve been going through a lot and it’s so wonderful that you’re still here :blush: and you should be proud of yourself! It’s ok that you failed, its not your fault what happened with the medication, and you are not a failure!!!

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I’m new and a Heart but wanted to offer support and encouragement. I’m proud of you for seeking help and using your resources to get the help you need. It’s not only awesome you knew the head of psychiatry but that you thought to contact him.
You definitely aren’t a failure. You are smart and worthy of the help you sought and so much more. Thank you for sharing!

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I am so sorry you are going through such a dark place. I am so glad you recognized your need for help and reached out for it. Like you I have floated over that dark place many times and been able to bear it until I passed back into the light. I usually cling to the Winston Churchill quote “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” I remind myself that this will pass. I’ve been there before and it will pass. But it doesn’t make the experience any easier.

You are so supportive of all of us here. You are our anchor on this forum. “You are the wiiiiiiiind beneath…” Ok, I may be getting a little loopy. But seriously, everyone here knows to look for the waving bears. I am glad you didn’t minimize your struggle and ignore your pain. Please, please take care of yourself. You have so many people here and on the discord HowtoADHD server who care a great deal about you and think you’re pretty darn awesome.

You are not a failure. You had stressful weeks of overwork, burn out, and really overwhelming and terrifying medication problems. I remember the feeling when I thought I couldn’t afford my meds. It must be way worse when you fear even GETTING your meds again. But you took the steps to solve it. You got help. You did good. I’m so proud of you and I hope you feel better soon.

:two_hearts::two_hearts::two_hearts::two_hearts::two_hearts:

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@ConfusedbutADHDandLD
:sob: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:
Words hard. Emojis easier.
Thank you… being proud of myself is hard, so hard.

@blythe
:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:
It’s so hard not to feel guilty about resources sometimes.
I’m glad I have them but I feel bad others don’t. :broken_heart:

@Gaeliceyes
:bear: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:
Hearts for everyone. :heart:
I like that quote, I’m going to try and remember it. :heart:

Also, I legit cracked a smile and laughed. I love it. :heart:
It still boggles my mind that there are people who care that much for me and think I am that awesome… I often times forget that. Sometimes I don’t believe it but right now… right now I actually believe it and it makes me cry (in a good way). I definitely still don’t feel great. It kind of -just- hit me today just how not happy I feel. How I don’t feel hungry. I don’t really want to do much of anything beyond writing and typing to you guys. I don’t really want to read or watch tv. I don’t want to really watch youtube or listen to music. Basically describing depression at this point, but yeah. I still have the feeling of “I kind of don’t wanna try being here” but thankfully it’s not overbearing and suffocating. I’m definitely able to fend it off by taking it easy and not forcing too much. And you guys here are helping too - so so much.

I seriously love this community - I love you guys here on the forum. On the Discord. I honestly don’t know where I would be without you all. :heart: Brains and hearts a like. You’re all lovely and supportive and wonderful and I can’t express enough what you all mean to me and what your words mean to me too. <3 <3

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I agree, :heart::heart::heart::heart::revolving_hearts::green_heart::sparkling_heart::two_hearts::revolving_hearts::heart::heartbeat::blue_heart::heartpulse::blue_heart::cupid::two_hearts::yellow_heart::two_hearts::heartbeat::revolving_hearts::green_heart::heartbeat::yellow_heart::two_hearts::heartbeat::blue_heart::heartpulse::two_hearts::yellow_heart::sparkling_heart::heartbeat::heartpulse::two_hearts::blue_heart::yellow_heart::heavy_heart_exclamation::heartbeat::revolving_hearts::heartbeat::yellow_heart::orange_heart::black_heart::green_heart::two_hearts::black_heart::heavy_heart_exclamation::two_hearts::gift_heart::gift_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::heartbeat::green_heart::sparkling_heart::blush:

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:sob: :sob: :heart: :heart_decoration: :heavy_heart_exclamation: :green_heart: :purple_heart: :orange_heart: :black_heart: :yellow_heart: :revolving_hearts: :two_hearts: :brown_heart::gift_heart::white_heart::sparkling_heart::heartbeat::heartpulse::blue_heart:

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First of all: greatbiglongbearhug:heart::heart:

OK, now that that’s out of the way, I’m SO sorry for not replying sooner, I was… well… Let’s just call it ‘more than average focused’ on something…:sweat_smile: I wish I had seen this sooner…!

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough time, and fuck the US insurance industry…! Man it was nice of your friend’s husband to get you in like that, sounds like you were in a place that needed it. Please stay safe and well, OK? And I really hope you can get some medical supplies soon…!

Next important point: You’re not close to being a failure, you’re awesome! You have a job, you’re doing it well enough to keep it down (even though it’s a struggle without medication, as it would be for most of us!), your private life isn’t falling apart, you’ve got this! Emotions just suck, and ours can be amplified to the breaking poont, but they’re not the real you. This was exactly what doctors warn us about, instant withdrawal with no step-down! Literally the worst thing you can do other than OD on our medication. And your insurance forced you into that…

You’ve got this, maybe you just need a little break to recover from the worst withdrawal and find the right Ritalin (I really hope it works for you!:heart:) doses so you’ll be back to the supportive, hard-working, badass awesomeness you really are!:heart::blush:

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Take care of yourself Harley. Try to go over all of the positive things that you have going for you. It probably won’t make much of a difference initially, but I think that making a habit of it will help bit by bit.

Also please accept that depression and mood changes are normal Adderall withdrawal symptoms. It’s not your fault that you are on this crazy ride. While this knowledge does not fix the depression I’m sure, it is important that you resist the self blame.

Joel

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Dear Harley, First, cyber-bear-hugs. Every time I saw your waving bears welcoming a new brain here, they made me smile! From your responses to new people it is clear care about people. Even in this thread you first think of others and warn them about triggering. Guess what. We care about you as much. You matter to us. You are part of the glue that binds this community.

We also understand how one can be so caring/giving hope while at the same time not feeling the same hope themselves. So imagine your twin is feeling the way you do and imagine how you would help her… May be that’ll help with being compassionate to yourself.

Jessica says she clings to Winston Churchill’s quote (which is just great – I will have to remember it!). The thing that works for me even in the depths of despair is this phrase: Never give up! I may give up on secondary things but I never ever give up on things that are most important to me. I am just too damn stubborn to give up! Similarly I hope you find something that you can cling to no matter what. Your northstar.

Hang in there! You will deal with this.
With much love.

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Big hug Harley!

You will get through this :cherry_blossom::hibiscus::cherry_blossom::hibiscus::cherry_blossom::two_hearts:

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Big hugs from me too. I know what your going thru, this had happened to me one day. Your a strong person for seeing and getting the help you needed for yourself.

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:yellow_heart:

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My other goto mantra is the words of advice given by Douglas Adams in “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”

“Don’t Panic”

I’m not even kidding. This IS my mom’s and my motto.

:hugs::hugs::black_heart::purple_heart::blue_heart::black_heart::purple_heart::blue_heart::black_heart::purple_heart::blue_heart::hugs::hugs::face_with_symbols_over_mouth::face_with_symbols_over_mouth::zzz:

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(Thanks for reminding me of the Douglas Adams version of this. I always hear the Dad’s Army version of this phrase,and it’s always said by the little old man who is panicking. It is said for laughs and never really helps :sweat_smile:)

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