TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self-harm & suicide. Please don’t read the spoiler tags if you’re sensitive to these topics. <3
I wasn’t sure initially where I wanted to post this. I’m not great with getting a lot of attention, heh, and I struggle with struggling… y’know the whole “it could have been worse” thing. I initially thought successful and raves but… something in me is pushing me to support so here I am \o/
So if any of you have read Sometimes, just to survive, you need to hit 'pause'. this puppy, you’ll know that I was going through a rough time at work, while also struggling with a medication situation where I had the Sandoz Adderall XR generic that worked fabulously, but Sandoz Adderall XR was suddenly unavailable so I ended up with Actavis Adderall XR Generic (basic disclaimer: These are just my experiences with these generics, this does not mean Actavis is bad, it’s just not the right medication for me, just like Sandoz won’t be the right generic for others. ) which was awful for me for various reasons. Well I was fighting to get the Sandoz brand and it wasn’t til a while later I learned it was backordered down to the manufacturing level. So I tried to get the name brand Adderall XR from Shire. Insurance decided they were going to be a jerk about it.
So I had to “pause” again.
But this time the pause wasn’t enough.
I was at work and it got bad… within an hour.
I had a full blown panic attack.
I had a full on spiraling meltdown.
I felt hopeless. I felt defeated. I felt weak. I felt like I couldn’t fight anymore. I was done.
TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of Self-Harm and Suicidal Thoughts. Please do not read this if you are not comfortable with these topics. Otherwise click the > to read.
I remember looking at my wrists thinking “It would be so easy if only someone could do it for me.”. Thinking that I just wanted it to end - that it would be great if I could just die painlessly and never have to fight for this necessary medication ever again.
I was not in a good place.
I am fortunate. I am lucky. I know the Head of Psychiatry at the hospital in my area. More specifically - I know his wife. She told me to go to the ER… that her husband will try to get me through as quickly as possible. So we went to the ER. Head of Psychiatry checked on me every 30 minutes or so, updating me on what he was trying to do - what he was hoping to accomplish since he had to pull some strings to get me in right away (even right away it was a 2 hour process, due to our hospital having one of the busiest ERs in the state).
Thankfully getting away from work. Being on a gurney where I could lie down and rest (couldn’t sleep, I was exhausted but still very awake as many of you know the feeling I’m sure). Being in a situation where I had to sit and wait… but knowing I had such a high degree of helping working for my needs… helped reduce the panic attack.
This was on Monday. As it turns out my normal psychiatrist works the hospital on Mondays and was able to come see me. She was able to talk to me, and work out a new battle plan right then and there. So we pulled me from the Adderall XR and put me on the generic form of Ritalin LA. Right now I don’t know if it’s working. I’m still emotionally exhausted (literally the next day my fiancee was taking a huge licensing exam that had us both anxious and terrified) and I definitely can’t wait to rest this weekend… but I’m doing better.
I had always said “I’m not doing THAT bad. I’m not feeling that horrible.”… but this time I finally listened. I finally admitted that yes. I was that bad. I stopped minimalizing my own suffering. I have no idea how much the ER visit is going to cost me… and I’m lucky enough to have a Mom who is more than willing to pay it if it’s too much (we’re still paying off Chris’s visit in December. ) And I definitely realized how lucky I am to have that support. How lucky I am to have the Head of Psychiatry in my corner. I wish I could extend this luck to everyone. I really do.
Because I know I was getting to a place I hadn’t been before. A place I’ve floated over but always could talk myself out of. But this time I couldn’t. I had given up and lost all hope of getting what I needed in a timely manner (thanks insurance. Useful as always. /sarcasm) And admitting that yes I’m doing THAT bad was hard. It was admitting that I was in a very dark place, not just to others, but to myself. It was admitting that I couldn’t function without a good medication (of course when you’re coming off medication symptoms have a chance to come back with a vengeance, add that to the fact I had to stop suddenly and well. It wen’t a pleasant time.) - which I usually can do, when I’m on medication. But when I don’t have it and I can SEE that I don’t function… it hits a lot harder. I felt useless. I felt awful. I felt like a burden. I felt like getting paid for my job when all I could do was cry and stare at my screen in fear was wrong - that I was wrong. That is was my fault even though I knew it wasn’t. I questioned why I could do my job so well but then suddenly… I couldn’t comprehend anything. Or if I did comprehend it my brain recoiled away from it sharply because it was boring.
Of course logically I know this wasn’t my fault. I’m not the reason Sandoz Adderall XR is backordered. I’m not at fault for the way my brain functions. I’m not at fault for insurance being a spawn of Satan. I’m not at fault for the struggles I have that I cope with. But emotional doesn’t like to listen to logic. My emotions have been very locked away since Monday… trying to figure out how I feel… trying to figure out… how to express it – hell, trying to feel it because I know it’s there I just can’t access it right now.
I’m proud of myself because I finally did admit that yes I am doing horribly and I need help now. But I also am battling feelings of failure. Feelings of wow you couldn’t even last an hour at work without melting down. And again logically IT MAKES SENSE. I DIDN’T HAVE MEDICATION. Not only am I experiencing a light withdrawal but I don’t have anything keeping my ADHD in check. No shit I broke down… but emotion doesn’t care. Emotion waves off logic and emotion feels what it wants to feel.
So I guess now I know why I’m in support. Because… I need it.
I always have played the big strong fighter. The one that rebounds quickly and always has a smile on her face. (My psychiatrist noted that too: In the ER with a smile on your face. / Me: It’s a coping strategy. / Her: I know <3 [did I mention I love my psych???]) I usually come back and try to give you guys the life lessons I learned (SUCH AS GET HELP WHEREVER YOU CAN. I probably would’ve called a hotline if the ER hadn’t been an option.) but this is … a bit different. It’s part life lesson part… i need your help.
I’m still feeling super down. Feeling super pathetic. Feeling like a super failure at life. And it’s one thing to hear encouragement from family… at some point it’s nice to hear but… it’s easy to discard their words… I’m hoping that my brain won’t do that with you guys… that it will see others are like me… you all struggle. You all know these feelings of failure when you actually aren’t a failure at all. You guys understand… you guys live it just as much as I do… and I just… I don’t know what I really want. Encouragement… maybe. Encouragement and support… I didn’t really have a closing statement so I’m at a loss right now. But yeah. I’ll just leave this here before I ramble myself into a corner because I REALLY REALLY hate attention on me especially for things like this (I’m working on it.) but I know that I’ll never get over it if I don’t just… do it. Heh.
Either way thanks for reading. Listening. And being a community I can come to when I feel really vulnerable and scared.