Things I wanted to do, but I have to “fit in” to an office environment to have the opportunity / right / chance to try to do them. I just can’t handle a “regular” job – ahem, wonder why? could it be … dunhdunhdunh … ADHD? And yet my longer-term goals and hopes and dreams all revolve around getting to a point of authority in certain settings that are, inherently in this day and age, entire office-oriented.
F.e. I’m interested in international law and justice. But I can’t just go out and be a “freelance international jurisprudential scholar and advocate.” I have to have a setting within which to do the work. And yet I’m terrible in the setting that’s available – courts, lawyers’ offices, international political organizations, and/or writing scholarly articles. There are a few other career trajectories I’ve dreamed about, I’ve wanted to attain, too. But they have the same limitation – the required setting is one which utterly prevents me from achieving anything. Usually I don’t even make it a month before people are shuffling me out the door.
I have a completely different inherent make-up and metabolism, a different biology, than would be required for me to do the things that I want to do. It’s like being born three feet tall without hands yet dreaming of becoming a professional basketball dunking specialist.
OK rant rant … I just feel so thwarted, so left out. Usually we see something in our society like, “if you put in the work then maybe you’ll get the reward.” But I’ve always felt a different feedback, like, “if you put in the work then we’re damned sure you won’t get the reward, but some slick operator who is half as competent as you will get the reward that you want, and you probably deserve it more than him, and everyone else will disagree and never see your inherent value because he’s more conventional than you, which is exactly what makes him LESS COMPETENT than you but also MORE REWARDED by the rest of society than you are.” Grump grump. I’m just … so … OVER it. Tired. Frustrated. Exhausted. No opportunities. Do all the right things, fail fail fail, watch my classmates and co-workers skyrocket past me, hear my friends say either “I dunno man, you don’t seem happy here” and “It’s no wonder they fired you, you hated having to be in an office,” but also, “I don’t know why they fired you, you were our top producer, you got the award!” and anyway, how do you be an international lawyer without being in an office? Geez.
Oh and by the way. By next week I’ll be back on this forum saying I never wanted to be an international lawyer, I wanted to be a chef. And a professional soccer player. And a piano virtuoso. (I really love playing musical instruments. I love practicing! I just never had instruction when I was young, none at all, certainly not young enough to learn enough fast enough to be able to do anything with it.)
OK rant rant … thank you for your time …