I’m not sure that i’m actually seeking advice with this post or just ranting but nonetheless…
so about 10 days ago, a made a post titled “Issues with sticking to schedule, intentions, motivation, commitment (help!)”
And I said a lot of things, but within it I mentioned this intrinsic tendency I have, that when ever I do something good, I turn around right after and do something bad. When ever I do something great, I turn around right after and do something awful.
Whenever I get myself to follow a schedule well, the next day I don’t get past step 2, or I lose it, or forget about it.
I’m like a magnet to madness, no matter what precautions and interventions I use to maintain self control, it goes out the window soon enough.
It’s like my brain has this intrinsic tendency to try to match good behaviors with bad ones right after, to reach like homeostasis but it’s far from balanced, because the bad behaviors always tend to weigh more heavily and be more impactful than the good ones. On top of which the bad behaviors tend to have a long spiraling domino effect into each other, and the good behaviors, of course don’t domino, each ones take serious mental effort, medication, meditation, just interventions all around.
Here’s where the real paradoxical fun part comes in, the thing is. In order for me to function well, and be productive, to some extent I need to feel like I am in control of myself and my brain, I need to feel somewhat in a contempt state of mind give or take. But medication really does give me this, in control, calm, clarity, state of mind; but in a paradoxical messed up cycle, when medication gives me this self-control, its like the concept or notion that I have self control over myself, ironically makes me lose all self control the moment I do something that is remotely considered a leisure behavior.
It’s like If I think i’m in control of my self, I guess i’m getting relaxed on my ADHD, and the self-control is ironically making me lose self control, but if i’m not medicated, that I lack a lot of the executive functions to properly express self control on my own.
So unmedicated I try to read a book about Dr.Paul A Janssen, but can’t retain a thing because the whole time, i’m not aware I was actually reading, I was just looking a saying word outloud, not single one registered, because I was acutally thinking about how cool it is that Alaskan Malamutes sometimes start howling if you talk to them. oh great this self control thing is going great.
Okay, take a pill, 30 minutes later, I can read the thing, focus, be interested, and retain it.
But if I dare touch a video game or something that’s a leisure activity, I become like an acute hardcore addict of what ever it is. Like instantaneously.
Yesterday/Today, which were the events from which this rant has been inspired from.
I made more progress while medicated cleaning my room, other parts of the house, and the basement, than I made in the 10 days, I went unmedicated, or at worst at least equal progress, so at minimal I was 10x more efficient.
But wait, just like an infomercial there’s more!
So after hours of cleaning, and moving boxes.
A light bulb goes of in my head, oh no, an idea from me, these can be dangerous !
I get the bright idea to take a break?
Well of course right? I was just cleaning and moving stuff for hours why not?
Well somehow, in my break in trying to reduce stress and play a video game [bad idea i get competitive for no reason]
So then I end up playing a video game, not really even having fun, just kinda doing it compulsively, until this morning, not sleeping, so idk how long it was for, I haven’t slept, even though I feel tired my brain and body refuse to sleep.
Funny thing is tho, I can’t blame the drug at all, I did it for like over 12 hours maybe, it wasn’t an XR. it only lasts 4-6 hours.
And usually they give me more self control like I said, especially with like an impulse to play a game, I can resist on medication easy, but you see I made the conscious decision to play a game, because I somehow got the notion that I had self control now.
This dilemma based cycle is exhausting. It was a huge issue this school year too.