I don't want to live anymore

I’m tired of living. I’m tired of being a doormat. People never take my no’s seriously, instead they keep pushing until I cave. They tell me to stop being so stubborn, childish and so on. They tell me I can’t always have it my way, but I never do. They tell me that I have no right to be angry at my abusers, instead they tell me to be grateful for them offering me a place to live. Can’t I see how much they helped me? Why do you have to be so ungrateful all the time. I hate having to rely on others because when it comes down to it they will just lord it over my head and tell me to be grateful, just look at how much I have helped you.
I’m like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can never do things right. No matter what it is I always fail. How many times do I have to fail before people realise that I’m a waste of time and space? What good do I bring anyone? I’m homeless, unemployed, unable to find work because I don’t even have a high school diploma. Next month I’m supposed to start working on that. Get that diploma. I have people cheering me on. I wonder how disappointed they’ll be once I fail.
I hate feeling this way. Hate feeling this weak. There are so many people in the world that has it so much worse than I, yet here I am complaining and crying over things some people can only dream of.
I’m really directionless. Every time I set a course I fail keeping it. And I’m angry, because those around me won’t allow me to feel like this. I can’t even speak to th about it, because they then twist it into me threatening them to take my life so that they’ll submit and do what I want. I’d never do that , that is really abusive. I’m not allowed to calm down when I’m angry. Instead they keep bugging me until I explode and then they go off to play the victim.
I suppose this is a self-pity post. And I’m sorry I am this way. Sorry that I post this here. But I feel so alone. And this forum has helped cheer me up. I had being doing so well up until recently and now I have nose dived. I’m staying away from my sister at the moment, but I will have to go back to return my dog. She will give me an empty apology and I will have to grin and bear it because currently she is the only place I can leave my dog at.
I think, if I were to make it to where I was finally self-sufficient, that I will cut off contact with them. I no longer care what they will think of me. Today when tried to leave to walk off my anger after an argument, my sister physically restrained me. She hurt me and then she threatened to call the police on me.
I feel as if there is no escape in the city I currently live in. I can’t really go anywhere without risking running in to somebody I rather avoid. I don’t want to meet them because I know they all pretend as if nothing has happened and leave me feeling crazy and confused. Is it all really in my head? I’m afraid of arguing with them because I always end up losing. I have always had problem in expressing myself through speech. Like I know what i want to say, just not how to say it. I’m much more better at arguing through text. The few times we have done that I actually end up getting my point come across.
This was really long, somewhat incoherent. So very ADHD. It is freeing knowing I have that. Wish just that people would know better. Open hostility is always better than what many close to me does - pretend as if they are interested and say they are going to read up on it to know how to better help me, then not doing so but pretending they have and just antagonising me.
So long story short, I am suicidal and would really just like to know that I’m not alone. Hearing your stories would help to. I need some support and to give someone support. Might be a bit egotistical, but I like helping others because it just make me feel really good.

You are definitely not alone. I and many others have been where you are now. If you are on the edge and having suicidal thoughts, pleases consider calling the Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or going to the closest emergency room. It’s easy in the darkness to see only darkness ahead, and we can make choices in the moment that don’t take into account the possibility that things might and probably will change.

I find it’s important for me to remind myself at times that I’ve made it through some horrible things that I thought I wouldn’t. Points in time where I was where you’re at now and I felt like there was no other way out. Through the help and support of friends, therapists, and medication I was able to find my way through. I even had to go to the hospital once. But in the end I was able to get through, and things did get better. It’s impossible to believe right now when you’re in the midst of all the pain and when you want nothing more than for it to end. It can be helpful though to look back and think of all the things you’ve survived, and try to remember how you did that and how it felt when you did.

I’d also say that it’s easy to consider ourselves worthless, disgusting, a failure, a disappointment, and incapable of being happy. That’s the depression warping things in a way to fit the narrative of self hate and loathing. It’s not reality based. Feelings aren’t facts. And we never see ourselves as we really are when we’re turned inward on ourselves. It can be important to challenge the thoughts that you have, either through techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or through feedback from family, friends, and professionals.

Bottom line, if you’re feeling unsafe it’s time to get help. No amount of support on the forums can keep you safe from yourself at times. Make sure that you reach out. And at the end of the day, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel pain. Know that some pain is temporary, and the thoughts of suicide usually pass if you can outlast them.

Hang in there. You are brave.

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You litteraly made me cry. I really needed that. Both you’re words and to just cry it out.

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I have been in that same “dark place” as you are now. I once told my wife: “The way I feel is that if I had a loaded gun I’d put it to my head and pull the trigger.”

I share this only so you know that you are not alone. And that life can go on, as difficult as that may seem at times.

Quietlylost . . . says so much that makes good sense!

To the same extent that you may feel hopeless, alternatively you can grab onto hope, as little as you may see right now, in this moment . . . To do one thing, just one thing right now . . . to get past today and live another . . . when you will look ahead and see more positive possibilities for yourself. I used to think that suicide was the answer . . . the only answer to my pain . . . lucky for me I gave myself the gift of “another day” . . . a day with a little hope that more such days could follow . . . But it was up to me to be generous enough to myself to let that next day happen!

Please let tomorrow happen . . . Please let your feelings take a turn for the better . . . Try some things with the intention of being kind to yourself!

You are not alone . . .

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We’re never alone, really. I have been there, too (not right now, but at other times) and I want you to know you can reach out to many many people. These forums are great, the hotline is great. I sympathize with the feeling of being a doormat – seems no matter what you do, everyone else walks all over you, right? I totally know the sensation. It does meld into something else, it gets better, and there are a thousand ways out of your situation. I won’t be so patronizing as to suggest those which I think up here, they’ll come to you sooner and you’ll be better off for thinking them up yourself. I don’t find your post egotistical or incoherent – in fact, for someone who (as you claim) has no high school diploma you sure are a good writer! You sound quite intelligent, organized, competent, and artistic. You’ve done a wonderful job of expressing yourself in writing.

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Hey I get this is really informal and maybe not allowed but w.e

Do you have something like a snapchat or something I can directly message you on?

I’d like to check up on you to make sure you’re doing okay from time to time, I have tons of advice for this.

in the past like maybe I think 3 or 4 years, just go with 4 to be safe, I’ve gone through a cyclic phase where I felt this way twice, and I know how it can be. How you can spiral from being anxious into depressed, into anger, into self loathe, into suicidal ideation, backing into anxious for the cycle to repeat

I’d also like to share at least my experience with you, on this cyclic phase I went through twice, honestly I have most of a it typed already from sending someone else the message just, don’t want to post it on a forum. But I think sharing it with you may help and possibly I can find some advice for you in introspective reflection from my situation.

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I hope you’re fairing better since you posted this. Getting to that place is… scary. A month or two ago, I had been feeling dark and grey seemingly out of nowhere. Not everything has always been sunshine and rainbows for me, but honestly the last half a year or so has really, actually been basically all sunshine and rainbows… but that still didn’t stop me from having those bad thoughts. My mental soap opera got so bad that, shaking and blinded by tears, I had to get up in the middle of the night, shuffle to my kitchen sink, and get the bottle of bleach from underneath to dump it down the drain. I woke my boyfriend up to come with me in case I was tempted.

I think suicidal thoughts can be a very unpleasant part of a non-neurotypical brain simply bc we live in a world that, by and large, was not designed for our needs. Those whose needs ARE fulfilled by our societal structure often can’t understand why we feel the way we do. No one notices when there ISN’T a rock in their shoe, but for most of us we’ve been walking around with a shoe full of pebbles our whole lives. Some people who’ve never had a rock in their shoe don’t understand that it isn’t just a tiny annoyance that we can dump out if we want to… for every pebble we dump two more seem to take its place, and eventually we get things like back pain and tender feet, and even begin to avoid standing bc we know that it hurts.

But the thing that always pulled me through? The thing that always led me to hanging on for one more day? It wasn’t self love, or the realization that life gets better. It wasn’t the cheers of my loved ones or positive reinforcement. It wasn’t therapy or waking up in a hospital… even tho all of those things are helpful, they weren’t enough for me. But what was?

Curiosity.

It was the packages that I knew had been shipped and were on their way. It was a movie that would be out in theaters next week. It was waiting on replies. It was waiting for a flower to bloom. It was the knowledge that my cat was still growing. It was an upcoming concert. It was the food still left in my fridge that I knew would go bad if I didn’t eat it. It was wondering who would replace my shifts at work. It was a weekend bonfire. It was a trip to the beach. It was all these things and more, and it was the simple curiosity of “what comes next?”

We can’t always live for ourselves, and we can’t always live for those we love. Both are bound to disappoint us. What we can live for is the knowledge that things are ever changing, and always have the potential to get better.

Life is a party that goes on whether you’re here or not, and frankly, I’d be damned if this rager continues on without me, bc I don’t want to miss the moments that make me happy.

It can be hard to convince yourself that life is worth living, but maybe convincing yourself life is worth observing is enough to keep you going for another day, and that’s alright. Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it through another day is whatever you should tell yourself. Even if self deprecation keeps you going. Even if knowing you’re the only person you trust to handle your responsibilities is what does it.

It’s okay to feel like you want to die, but as long as you don’t there’s always the chance that things will get better. And the chance that things get worse, but even when they do, as long as you’re curious, as long as you ask yourself “how could things possibly be better/worse?” you know there’s a part of you that wants to know. That part of you will get you through good and bad and still want to know more.

It’s okay to live on curiosity. Wondering what the next day will bring has often been the only reason I lived to see it. Change comes whether its invited or not. If you want to know what happens next, then you just have to wait.

Keep waiting my friend. Keep being curious about what the coming days will bring. You may find that one day you no longer live for curiousity, but for the genuine desire to live, and realizing that you’ve gotten yourself there is a triumph that cannot be compared. I believe in change, and I believe in you.

Stay curious.

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Thank you for your words. And I really understand what you mean. The thing that has kept me going is wondering how things will be. Will I ever finish and publish that book? Will my dog like that new food item I bought it? And so on.

I am doing better. I’m moving on the 17th to a dorm at the school I got into. I’m really nervous and anxious about it. Wondering if I will make it or fail that to. Worrying about the next winter and summer break. Trying to take the days as they come. I got my dog, school, a home, and a plan for the future.

I still struggle sometimes, wondering if it is really worth going on, but having the responsibility of a dog keeps me from doing anything. I’m scared of ending up on the streets again, but if that day does come again I at least now know how to survive. I’m signing up for a bunch of housing queues and keeping my fingers crossed.

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Good luck! Dorming can be pretty adhd unfriendly and may come as a challenge, but even if it’s too much you know you have a support system of people who will always try to cheer you on in the direction you want to go.

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:+1: :sunglasses:

:+1: :sunglasses:

:heart: 2U from U . . . The best!!

U <—>:dog: more :heart:

And from “brains” here too . . .

Keep in touch!!

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:dog: . . . . (oops!)

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