I FAILED, And I feel like I always will.

intro

#1

Hello Brains!

Long post, I know, but I really hope someone can take the time to read it.

So… I had been noticing a few things the past six months that I hadn’t seen before. A long list of “behaviors” that were being pointed out by people around me. So I began to do some research, found a self test and guess what! I passed with a really high grade! Well thats how I like to think of it, I pretty much ended up meeting a lot of the criteria for ADHD. I decided to learn about it and stumbled upon an amazing TED Talk that made me feel like the speaker was narrating my life, then I found out that speaker had a youtube channel. I started doing a lot of the things Jessica talks about, they helped! I then decided it was time to get a professional opinion so I scheduled an appointment. on my first visit I was diagnosed with ADHD at 23. I was kinda happy to know I could at least relate all the times I felt like a loser to something.

Well, I went home that day and tried to find more things I could do to improve my life while my doc got everything she needed to make a decision on what kind of treatment I would need. All was going well, I had a relationship that was brewing up at the time, but I had not yet made the choice to actually get “serious”. A couple days after my first appointment I went out with some friends and had some drinks, you know, bro time, and I made an impulsive decision to end up talking to a girl at the bar. After a while there we ended up together that night.

A month later I had my second appointment, I was prescribed Adderall, when I took my first dose it was weird at first, I thought it wasn’t working, I just started talking a lot more during the first hour, but then I noticed something, you know how our brains have a habit of turning on 20 different radio stations at the same time? well they were all off. I have never told anyone but I became very emotional when I noticed it. I had never known that I would ever truly be alone wit my thoughts and be able to actually think. The best part, that voice that would tell me I was a failure and couldn’t do things right was gone, along with my insecurities. from that day on for about a month I was able to do things I hadn’t done before, not just be productive but I was able to show the woman I had not had the guts to commit to, that I really cared about her, I did romantic thoughtful things I have never done before and I started making a lot of other choices that were a lot better for me. I lost interest in being with friends and began to spend every second I could with her. I felt accomplished, I started school again and I was doing amazing. But that thought was haunting me, I know we hadn’t really been “official” yet, but I wanted to be honest with her before we both began to actually commit to a “full on relationship” Well it turns out you can’t sit down and confess something to someone when they find out literally 3 minutes before you sit down to tell them. (I had just told her I wanted to talk to her and we kissed, I went to the restroom at her house and when I came back she had already found out a different way) (I also have never talked to more than one girl at a time because I hate the idea of that happening to me, again, but clearly I did it)

After all of that long backstory I pretty much don’t know what to do. I know that the relationship will never happen and I have come to accept that. The problem is that I can not take myself out of the whole I stuck myself in. Clearly I know I was at fault, but ever since that day (about week now) I just have the constant thought of how I failed again, how I never do anything right. I can’t even get myself to work out, I stare at my computer with my schoolwork on the screen and just can’t seem to get to doing anything productive. If I can get myself to start, I will give up within a few minutes. I won’t sleep right, I just can’t stop feeling like a failure. my medication doesn’t seem to do anything for me other than make me think about how I will fail again at everything.

I know what my mistakes were and I know I can’t fix them. I ruined that chance for myself, but I don’t want to ruin everything else I have with it. I feel like theres nobody out there who cares if I fail or succeed, I have nobody to talk to about how I feel. I just want to have that moment of silence back for one second, I want to get back on doing great in class, go back to being committed to living a healthy lifestyle and not be making excuses all the time. I Need that thought that keeps telling me that I will fail to go away. I know that because I failed to commit myself to a person I honestly loved, doesn’t mean that I will fail at things like doing my job, homework or even working out. I don’t know how to get myself out of this hole, I pretty much broke my own heart, to be honest it may be the one I’ve felt the most hurt from, but I don’t see why I keep stopping myself from doing everything I can to make myself better. Maybe this was for me to know how horrible it is to do that to someone. I am sorry this post is so long, but I just don’t feel like I explained just how I feel for what I did. sometimes I think if maybe I had been able to get that moment of just me and one thought just a few months earlier maybe I wouldn’t have done what I did and I would’ve realized how lucky I was. Maybe fate is an actual thing and we weren’t meant to be. But why do I feel paralyzed with the running thoughts again.

Brains, I need a quarter. I don’t know what kind, but I just know there might be someone out there skimming through this post that can help me find a way to stop that feeling of failure.


#2

Hey bro, I hear you. Sometimes we can be the prisoners of our own minds. Truth is a powerful friend especially when are believing the tripe our minds tell us.

I don’t even know you and I know this about you.

You may have failed, but you are not a failure.

I think you need some truth statements about your true identity to pull you out of this slump. The thing is, most of the time, you have to fight your worst enemy (yourself} to make them yours.

This is a call to the tribe. Can anyone pass Manny an encouraging Key for him to use to be free from his prison?


#3

Thank you! That’s the goal! to fight my biggest enemy and make myself who want to be! I know I need to do that myself, I just don’t seem to figure out how to not get too carried away by one emotion at a time. I was not like this before the medication, I think I just had too many thoughts to focus on what I felt, but I prefer to find a way to manage this rather than giving up on my treatment. I actually took the liberty to read your bio, your background picture really helped me relax a little along with the fun way you ended it! I too believe I am Hyper-focused on this site right now! haha


#4

Funny story about getting diagnosed with ADHD… I took the DSM 5 test and I “cheated.” For one of the questions, I added a couple more boxes to the questions so that instead of giving an answer on a scale of 1-5, I was at a seven. Spinal tap, “these go to eleven.”


#5

That background is taken from the Ramapo Mountains (in NJ we call our hills Mountains). That’s a good idea, if you can, get some Green around you,but don’t go alone, you may be tempted to isolate, and isolation kills.

I really see you as coming out of this, because you took responsibility for your own situation. That’s a really great start. Anytime you let someone “fix” you, trouble will not leave you.

Your fellow tribesman,
Joe


#6

I feel the same way most of the time. I can’t tell you what the long term fix is because I don’t have it but for now I can tell you you’re not alone in this. You can’t fail at life, only at a moment. There’s lot more of them coming up and more to fail at but a lot will be successes as well. If you dwell on the bad ones it’ll eat you alive but if you treat it as a lesson then it’s not a failure but something you learned to do the wrong way. Now have a better idea of what the right way is. Every failure needs to be met with reflection to improve. It’s harder for us to keep failing and moving on but the alternative doesn’t make sense so keep going and try not to make the same mistake twice. Eventually you can only move forward.

As to the situation, no matter how she found out about who you are, it’s irrelevant because if she can’t accept it then she can’t except it so it’s time to move on. It’s rough on a first date but getting to know someone always runs the risk of something you can’t accept.
Like finding out someone’s a smoker when your dad died of COPD. You may not find out right away but if it’s a deal breaker it’ll stay a deal breaker with time as well.


#7

@ADDmechanic This helped me! And absolutely, I get more out of a my falls when I ask myself what I can learn from it and the answer shouldn’t degrade me, someone else or give a circumstance more power than it deserves. In the end the interview I have with myself must lead me to the truth that will inspire me to get back up. That self interview takes intentional will and effort, but without it, I can be at the mercy of those ever present voices that cut me down. Also having people that accept you as you are is a rare treasures,but worth the effort of the quest to find them.


#8

Thanks for the help everyone!!! I actually didn’t notice it at the time but I was actually helping myself out this morning just by making this post. I work nights and sleep during the day (which if we read into it may be one thing that contributes to the gloomy feeling) and I actually stayed up about 3 hours Past my bedtime reading posts and replying to people. Now, I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I woke up feeling like a million bucks, I actually woke up a bit earlier than usual and got A LOT of things done before I even started my day, or night in my case. I had heard a lot about doing brain dumps, but I didn’t know how to do it, some people meditate, others think, others go do some exercise. Well I just learned I just like to write every thought I’m having. I hadn’t really tried it because I have never been a big fan of writing or reading ever since I was a child, yet I always liked learning, can’t do much of that if you don’t read.

Anyhow, if anyone reads this post and is feeling like I was earlier today, try a brain dump! Find out what works for you! While I am still sad about the situation, I don’t feel overwhelmed like I did for almost a week. I don’t expect this to make me super happy, because Im not, but at least it isn’t making me feel like I can’t get anything done. Go to your nearest mirror or open your front facing camera on your phone. Tell yourself you can do ANYTHING you want. And don’t forget to kiss your brain!!


#9

Hi Manny. I’m new. I didn’t write a bio yet. You are not a failure- you are getting help at a younger age than me and I think that is great!!
I too struggle with huge feelings of failure and inadequacies. I have repeated experiences of failures in both career and relationships. I am still searching for answers as to WHY I have struggled somuch. I am starting to see some kind of light up ahead in this tunnel I’m in. I found Jessica’s TedXTslk and the YouTube HowtoADHD. :innocent::slightly_smiling_face:Embrace who you are . Square pegs aren’t meant to fit into triangles.
I’m a square peg. Keep on keeping on!


#10

Well really howtoadhd channel really helped me. I didn’t know enough on my start of mental Illness and I was just trying to learn about my self.

It’s not straightforward


#11

I am now depressed because I have given up hope that I will ever succeed in life. I have tried ever thing. All that ever happened sis I get hopeful try hard and fail and lose some thing or some one important to me. This has been my whole life MY WHOLE LIFE! I keep hearing the same speeches from none adhders that just don’t get it to “never give up” or u will be successful . But I am tired of getting hurt and feeling helpless and I don’t know what to do. Is there hope!? Any at all? I am sorry if this is weird way of asking for help I just joined the forum and I don’t know how it works.


#12

Not sure how i found this post so late but i do have something that might help.

Since my diagnosis my therapist has been working on getting me to ‘be kinder to myself’. It turns out basically everything that seems to need ‘fixing’ is covered by this one thing! And slowly but surely, it’s working. And the really weird thing is that I am doing stuff I never did, like take time off, and somehow I am getting more done and not beating myself up over what isn’t done yet.

Okay, so the last week has been tough, and I am not quite back in the rhythm I had going before the xmas break, but even my fail week is nowhere near as bad as my old style fail weeks used to be. And i have some kind of faith that things will be okay soon, rather than the longlasting feeling of failure and misery I used to experience.

So it seems it all comes down to being kinder to yourself. Who knew?! :sweat_smile: I suppose I could wish I had found this out 30 or 40 years ago, but the new me is just glad I am working it out now.


#13

I have worked on self esteem but it’s grounded in reality to and honestly I am not where I want to be in my life.