Long post, I know, but I really hope someone can take the time to read it.
So… I had been noticing a few things the past six months that I hadn’t seen before. A long list of “behaviors” that were being pointed out by people around me. So I began to do some research, found a self test and guess what! I passed with a really high grade! Well thats how I like to think of it, I pretty much ended up meeting a lot of the criteria for ADHD. I decided to learn about it and stumbled upon an amazing TED Talk that made me feel like the speaker was narrating my life, then I found out that speaker had a youtube channel. I started doing a lot of the things Jessica talks about, they helped! I then decided it was time to get a professional opinion so I scheduled an appointment. on my first visit I was diagnosed with ADHD at 23. I was kinda happy to know I could at least relate all the times I felt like a loser to something.
Well, I went home that day and tried to find more things I could do to improve my life while my doc got everything she needed to make a decision on what kind of treatment I would need. All was going well, I had a relationship that was brewing up at the time, but I had not yet made the choice to actually get “serious”. A couple days after my first appointment I went out with some friends and had some drinks, you know, bro time, and I made an impulsive decision to end up talking to a girl at the bar. After a while there we ended up together that night.
A month later I had my second appointment, I was prescribed Adderall, when I took my first dose it was weird at first, I thought it wasn’t working, I just started talking a lot more during the first hour, but then I noticed something, you know how our brains have a habit of turning on 20 different radio stations at the same time? well they were all off. I have never told anyone but I became very emotional when I noticed it. I had never known that I would ever truly be alone wit my thoughts and be able to actually think. The best part, that voice that would tell me I was a failure and couldn’t do things right was gone, along with my insecurities. from that day on for about a month I was able to do things I hadn’t done before, not just be productive but I was able to show the woman I had not had the guts to commit to, that I really cared about her, I did romantic thoughtful things I have never done before and I started making a lot of other choices that were a lot better for me. I lost interest in being with friends and began to spend every second I could with her. I felt accomplished, I started school again and I was doing amazing. But that thought was haunting me, I know we hadn’t really been “official” yet, but I wanted to be honest with her before we both began to actually commit to a “full on relationship” Well it turns out you can’t sit down and confess something to someone when they find out literally 3 minutes before you sit down to tell them. (I had just told her I wanted to talk to her and we kissed, I went to the restroom at her house and when I came back she had already found out a different way) (I also have never talked to more than one girl at a time because I hate the idea of that happening to me, again, but clearly I did it)
After all of that long backstory I pretty much don’t know what to do. I know that the relationship will never happen and I have come to accept that. The problem is that I can not take myself out of the whole I stuck myself in. Clearly I know I was at fault, but ever since that day (about week now) I just have the constant thought of how I failed again, how I never do anything right. I can’t even get myself to work out, I stare at my computer with my schoolwork on the screen and just can’t seem to get to doing anything productive. If I can get myself to start, I will give up within a few minutes. I won’t sleep right, I just can’t stop feeling like a failure. my medication doesn’t seem to do anything for me other than make me think about how I will fail again at everything.
I know what my mistakes were and I know I can’t fix them. I ruined that chance for myself, but I don’t want to ruin everything else I have with it. I feel like theres nobody out there who cares if I fail or succeed, I have nobody to talk to about how I feel. I just want to have that moment of silence back for one second, I want to get back on doing great in class, go back to being committed to living a healthy lifestyle and not be making excuses all the time. I Need that thought that keeps telling me that I will fail to go away. I know that because I failed to commit myself to a person I honestly loved, doesn’t mean that I will fail at things like doing my job, homework or even working out. I don’t know how to get myself out of this hole, I pretty much broke my own heart, to be honest it may be the one I’ve felt the most hurt from, but I don’t see why I keep stopping myself from doing everything I can to make myself better. Maybe this was for me to know how horrible it is to do that to someone. I am sorry this post is so long, but I just don’t feel like I explained just how I feel for what I did. sometimes I think if maybe I had been able to get that moment of just me and one thought just a few months earlier maybe I wouldn’t have done what I did and I would’ve realized how lucky I was. Maybe fate is an actual thing and we weren’t meant to be. But why do I feel paralyzed with the running thoughts again.
Brains, I need a quarter. I don’t know what kind, but I just know there might be someone out there skimming through this post that can help me find a way to stop that feeling of failure.