I am currently enrolled in my last semester at college, but my best friend graduated last semester and so this is my first semester not having him here to lean on for support. When that semester was ending I got into a relationship with an awesome girl and felt like it’d be a hand-off and she’d be able to support me with my ADHD like he had, but though we dated for two months she dumped me the other week. She dumped me because she realized that I was leaning on her for support through my rough times yet she was not leaning on me for support and that that wasn’t fair- when she was breaking up with me I knew she was right so I didn’t fight it.
Enough of me knew that the relationship wasn’t sufficiently ideal that I wasn’t surprised when she ended it, but while we were dating I tried to ignore my knowledge that it wasn’t meant to be because HAVING someone was being SO GOOD for my spiritual and mental health.
Later on in the relationship I caught her feeling guilty for “trying to change me into someone that I was not”, but I assured her that it was more like she was “helping me be the person that I’ve always wanted to be”. I told her that I see myself like a clay vase being made, but that it is much too shlupy for only my own two hands to keep it properly formed and that having another set of hands helping hold it up and keep it shaped makes a worlds difference for me.
For a while I felt like I was handling things really well, but recenlty noticed that I was not. I only caught on to that because I realized how much I had REALLy been THROWING myself into my work at my internship. I hadn’t been letting myself slowdown enough to feel any pain… until last night… It sunk in last night and it sucks. I feel so despratley and utterly alone and I feel like I am never enough on my own alone.
I guess I’m just looking to hear that I’m not the only brain that feels this way.