I feel like I am not enough on my own, but I also feel so desperatley alone...

I am currently enrolled in my last semester at college, but my best friend graduated last semester and so this is my first semester not having him here to lean on for support. When that semester was ending I got into a relationship with an awesome girl and felt like it’d be a hand-off and she’d be able to support me with my ADHD like he had, but though we dated for two months she dumped me the other week. She dumped me because she realized that I was leaning on her for support through my rough times yet she was not leaning on me for support and that that wasn’t fair- when she was breaking up with me I knew she was right so I didn’t fight it.

Enough of me knew that the relationship wasn’t sufficiently ideal that I wasn’t surprised when she ended it, but while we were dating I tried to ignore my knowledge that it wasn’t meant to be because HAVING someone was being SO GOOD for my spiritual and mental health.

Later on in the relationship I caught her feeling guilty for “trying to change me into someone that I was not”, but I assured her that it was more like she was “helping me be the person that I’ve always wanted to be”. I told her that I see myself like a clay vase being made, but that it is much too shlupy for only my own two hands to keep it properly formed and that having another set of hands helping hold it up and keep it shaped makes a worlds difference for me.

For a while I felt like I was handling things really well, but recenlty noticed that I was not. I only caught on to that because I realized how much I had REALLy been THROWING myself into my work at my internship. I hadn’t been letting myself slowdown enough to feel any pain… until last night… It sunk in last night and it sucks. I feel so despratley and utterly alone and I feel like I am never enough on my own alone.

I guess I’m just looking to hear that I’m not the only brain that feels this way.

2 Likes

You aren’t the only one.
I will say that almost certainly you are going through some emotional disregulation right now, which is massively conflating the perceived effect this will have on your future. So… be aware of that. Even just knowing it’s happening can help me respond in a healthier, more measured manner.
I will admit that I am being torn between “I feel for/with you” and “Let me fix!”
I’ve put the “let me help” in italics below, feel free to skip if you are not looking for it. (Trust me, I get it. :stuck_out_tongue:)
Know that we are here, and we care. We may have no words to offer, but we care. And like a good man said, we like just the way you are.
I had a relationship end (we were engaged) and I was rather bitter because she would not “stand by me” (:notes:dun dun dun, dun…:musical_note: Ahem), so… I can really relate to losing someone when you feel they are what is best for you. And man, that… that hurts. And to also lose your friend recently for support, you have even less to fall back on in your hurt.
I spent a long time emotionally curling up into a ball and not letting anyone in. It hurt too much. I didn’t know what I know now about my emotions, so I was less in control, and I didn’t want to rebound to a new thing, or lash out and hurt others. So… I cut myself off.
I would advise against that. One of the best things I have found is that being vulnerable (note… with certain people… not, like… random street person, per se) is one of the safest things I can do.
Take time to grieve, certainly. You need that. And sometimes that is gonna look like bawling your eyes out when you smell her perfume on someone else. Sometimes it might look like playing Kerbal Space Program and solving orbital problems while your mind is also parsing things in the back ground. Both are ok. You do you.
Just… don’t cut everyone out. Fight that urge, and even seek out MORE contact with new people. We are social creatures, even us introverts. We need support, affirmation, respect, and a host of other things, and we get those from other people. Seek that out.
One last soap box moment, sorry…
No one else will be able to “fix” you. To make you into a better person. No. One. Else. No one else made you who you are today. You did. And you will. Which, totally sucks cause that means it’s all on you, bro! But the super awesome side is that dude… YOU CAN CHANGE. It’s totally possible. Hard? Probably. Time consuming? Almost certainly. But 100% possible. You can choose to be a different you. A better you. A more mature you.
ADHD will still be there, pointing out squirrels, making mountains of molehills, and losing your keys for you. But who you are is not defined by ADHD unless you say it is.
Work on you. What would you say is one trait of you that you want to improve on? Then make a plan to improve it. For me, I needed to be content being single. So I worked on that. And then I worked on being responsible with bills. And then… and then… and then…
My wife is a wonderful woman. She is many things to me, and I cannot fathom life without her any longer. But she does not make me a better man. She does inspire me to push further. I take the inspiration and own it, and pursue higher things.

P.S. if you leave a space between text and the last * in the paragraph, the paragraph does not format into italics. This has been your ADHD Formatting PSA of the Day. :star2:

2 Likes

@JudasTheHammer I gave a little heart to you reply when I read it, but I’ve been wanting to comment to let you know how much it meant. Even though that best friend of mine that I said I had been leaning on the last few years to help me manage my ADHD has moved away, not long after I posted this (though he didn’t know I did) he reached out to me and we’ve been in more frequent communicaion since. When I got your reply I made sure to send him the link to this because I wanted him to read it to be able to better help me help myself and after her read it he messaged me back saying, “I was able to read it… wow… he really understands what you are going through and how you feel…”

1 Like