Afterthoughts:///Ok sorry I think I didn’t make much sense here, plus I forgot half way what is this whole thing was about. So I post it just because I feel bad about waiting so much time( I don’t know how much exactly I’m time blind) on an effort on… I lost my thought here. ///
There is not enough words to explain what I feel, and even if I post all of text it’s still be a tip of the iceberg. I really think I have adhd, and I got diagnosed, but I moved and new psychiatrist tells me I don’t have it. I hate it. What he told me doesn’t make sense at all.
I told him that I overfocus on things and it’s hard to stay aware of my surroundings and to switch my attention from one thing to another I need to really make an effort that feels like lifting 50 lbs just to get stuck on the next thing. I’m exhausted! And he said it’s OCD I get obsessed with a thing that I focused on right now.
I saw 4 different doctors, here what they said quote:
- Not adhd more like something maniacal
- You don’t look like adhd type to me, but you look very anxious Have you ever had an anxiety attack’s? Sometimes depression affects your memory and concentration too
- From what you are describing it looks like adhd to me, think about starting treatment, but you have to stop breastfeeding first. Come back when you are ready. ( I would go back but I had to move)
- No I think you don’t have adhd, have you heard about self sabotage? When you have low self esteem you do that to prove( something I don’t remember what exactly what he said because I was internally screaming at myself that he is an idiot and I am an idiot for sitting there and listening to this bs and paying my 2weeks pay for that, and in the same trying hard to make sense of what he saying or understand his point, which I couldn’t, but maybe he is right and I can’t understand because im an idiot? Anyway I already got irritated and if my emotions got on the way I can’t think straight I need like a week to calm down).
But if you wanna try CBT then it could help too, you just need to breath in on count 2 and breath out on 4, or in on 3 and out on 6. Me: - Really?! That’s it? That’s CBT? He: Yeah that’s it it should help you calm your ( got distracted on my impulse to punch him that was successfuly suppressed yay for me) nervous system blah blah blah( can’t comprehend a word of what is he saying coz I’m too confused and busy trying to not act like crazy and yell at the doctor, manners manners, please got help me give me patience to stop interrupting, I hate interrupting people it’s so rude, I don’t understand what he is saying anyway coz I can not concentrate on listening and trying not to interrupted in the same time anyway so what a hell let’s interrupt this nonsense!) But what about overfocus? I struggle to control my focus, like I get stuck on things and to get unstuck it literally feels like lifting 50 lbs when I just simply need to stop looking at something and meet to pay attention to something else. Like my attention is heavy and hard to move.
He: you know you over concentration is a result of you getting too obsessed with a thing you are focused on right now( what? I mean yeah I feel like I am a kind of obsessive person, like I overthink everything, is that what he means? Maybe he is right? Is he? It’s so confusing. Wait but isn’t there a doctor Amen or something that classifying Adhd like Adhd + ocd, and adhd + something else. I definitely read something about that but I don’t remember what exactly. I’m so confused! F@#* I hate my brain, it’s exhausting! It feels like my brain is sabotaging me. Maybe he is right. Wait what is he saying, how long has I been in my head while he was talking? What did I miss? He is still talking, so he didn’t noticed that I wasn’t listening) it can have a dramatic effect on the way your brain functioning, and it’s highly addictive too, because when you eat a lot of sweets or sugar it (realizes that I’m over focused, busy trying to unfocus from the tones, rhythm and sound of his voice and process the sounds his mouth producing into the actual words and comprehend a meaning those words)me: wait are you saying that it is because I eat too much sugar? But when I was a kid I rarely ate sweets and yet I had most of this struggles.
That’s it I can’t any more, I’m exhausted writing this. It’s probably a quarter of the whole appointment which was confusing and overwhelming, so it’s hard to explain what he said since I don’t think I even heard half let alone understand.
Anyway I think I started to write this thread because I was upset and need it to vent. But I don’t remember why exactly was I upset, I guess I’m not anymore, how can I be upset if I don’t remember why. I’m sure it will comeback to me randomly sometimes. Or I can remind myself by scrolling up and read what I wrote. But should I? I mean I don’t wanna be upset. I forget it. I hate my brain sometimes. I don’t think anyone with normal brain could just forget in the middle of the writing, what was the point of this whole thing in the first place.
But I’m tired and I give up, maybe I don’t have adhd after all, maybe I simply stupid.
Like that Dori fish with short turm memory problems in that cartoon about lost orange fish, and how his dad was looking for him. Wait why am I writing this, what does the fish has anything to do with this forum. This is embarrassing maybe I should delete the whole thing. No It will take forever and if I start editing I will never stop and this post might end up beating about refrigerators and aliens. Screw it, just warn you at the top to not read the whole thing unless you have absolutely nothing else to do.