I feel like I have a mask of polite smile on my face when in fact I’m suffocating inside!

Afterthoughts:///Ok sorry I think I didn’t make much sense here, plus I forgot half way what is this whole thing was about. So I post it just because I feel bad about waiting so much time( I don’t know how much exactly I’m time blind) on an effort on… I lost my thought here. ///
There is not enough words to explain what I feel, and even if I post all of text it’s still be a tip of the iceberg. I really think I have adhd, and I got diagnosed, but I moved and new psychiatrist tells me I don’t have it. I hate it. What he told me doesn’t make sense at all.
I told him that I overfocus on things and it’s hard to stay aware of my surroundings and to switch my attention from one thing to another I need to really make an effort that feels like lifting 50 lbs just to get stuck on the next thing. I’m exhausted! And he said it’s OCD I get obsessed with a thing that I focused on right now.
I saw 4 different doctors, here what they said quote:

  1. Not adhd more like something maniacal
  2. You don’t look like adhd type to me, but you look very anxious Have you ever had an anxiety attack’s? Sometimes depression affects your memory and concentration too
  3. From what you are describing it looks like adhd to me, think about starting treatment, but you have to stop breastfeeding first. Come back when you are ready. ( I would go back but I had to move)
  4. No I think you don’t have adhd, have you heard about self sabotage? When you have low self esteem you do that to prove( something I don’t remember what exactly what he said because I was internally screaming at myself that he is an idiot and I am an idiot for sitting there and listening to this bs and paying my 2weeks pay for that, and in the same trying hard to make sense of what he saying or understand his point, which I couldn’t, but maybe he is right and I can’t understand because im an idiot? Anyway I already got irritated and if my emotions got on the way I can’t think straight I need like a week to calm down).
    But if you wanna try CBT then it could help too, you just need to breath in on count 2 and breath out on 4, or in on 3 and out on 6. Me: - Really?! That’s it? That’s CBT? He: Yeah that’s it it should help you calm your ( got distracted on my impulse to punch him that was successfuly suppressed yay for me) nervous system blah blah blah( can’t comprehend a word of what is he saying coz I’m too confused and busy trying to not act like crazy and yell at the doctor, manners manners, please got help me give me patience to stop interrupting, I hate interrupting people it’s so rude, I don’t understand what he is saying anyway coz I can not concentrate on listening and trying not to interrupted in the same time anyway so what a hell let’s interrupt this nonsense!) But what about overfocus? I struggle to control my focus, like I get stuck on things and to get unstuck it literally feels like lifting 50 lbs when I just simply need to stop looking at something and meet to pay attention to something else. Like my attention is heavy and hard to move.
    He: you know you over concentration is a result of you getting too obsessed with a thing you are focused on right now( what? I mean yeah I feel like I am a kind of obsessive person, like I overthink everything, is that what he means? Maybe he is right? Is he? It’s so confusing. Wait but isn’t there a doctor Amen or something that classifying Adhd like Adhd + ocd, and adhd + something else. I definitely read something about that but I don’t remember what exactly. I’m so confused! F@#* I hate my brain, it’s exhausting! It feels like my brain is sabotaging me. Maybe he is right. Wait what is he saying, how long has I been in my head while he was talking? What did I miss? He is still talking, so he didn’t noticed that I wasn’t listening) it can have a dramatic effect on the way your brain functioning, and it’s highly addictive too, because when you eat a lot of sweets or sugar it (realizes that I’m over focused, busy trying to unfocus from the tones, rhythm and sound of his voice and process the sounds his mouth producing into the actual words and comprehend a meaning those words)me: wait are you saying that it is because I eat too much sugar? But when I was a kid I rarely ate sweets and yet I had most of this struggles.
    That’s it I can’t any more, I’m exhausted writing this. It’s probably a quarter of the whole appointment which was confusing and overwhelming, so it’s hard to explain what he said since I don’t think I even heard half let alone understand.
    Anyway I think I started to write this thread because I was upset and need it to vent. But I don’t remember why exactly was I upset, I guess I’m not anymore, how can I be upset if I don’t remember why. I’m sure it will comeback to me randomly sometimes. Or I can remind myself by scrolling up and read what I wrote. But should I? I mean I don’t wanna be upset. I forget it. I hate my brain sometimes. I don’t think anyone with normal brain could just forget in the middle of the writing, what was the point of this whole thing in the first place.
    But I’m tired and I give up, maybe I don’t have adhd after all, maybe I simply stupid.
    Like that Dori fish with short turm memory problems in that cartoon about lost orange fish, and how his dad was looking for him. Wait why am I writing this, what does the fish has anything to do with this forum. This is embarrassing maybe I should delete the whole thing. No It will take forever and if I start editing I will never stop and this post might end up beating about refrigerators and aliens. Screw it, just warn you at the top to not read the whole thing unless you have absolutely nothing else to do.
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I’m sorry I should probably delete this. I’m really bad in expressing my thoughts. I don’t mean to waste anyone’s time.

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Ok I was scared to read this coz I thought i didn’t make sense, but it’s not as bad as I thought it will be. I normally edit my posts million times before posting, but I kind of want to show what I actually am without you know filters. I don’t know.
I feel like my brain is different from most and I am different, like odd. But they keep saying it’s all in my head, and I’m not trying hard enough and I just need to snap out of it. How to snap out of it? How to stop myself from wondering if I am normal.
I mean when I talk about it it feels like it only annoys or burdens ppl even drs I’m trying to talk to. I’m sorry I don’t mean to burden anyone.
Maybe everyone feel this way but it’s inappropriate to talk about it. Like you won’t talk about your feces with ppl, and I am just not getting this common sense thing.

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Omg I have such a mess in my head, my brain and my emotions are like a stormy ocean trapped inside my head.

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Hey, I just wanted to pop in and say that
1.all of your doctors sounds AWFUL
2. Good job not punching the last dude
3. For what it’s worth, I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have ADHD and could make those connections you just did.
4. Don’t delete this, you worked hard to make it! And it’s not an annoyance at all, I loved hearing your story
5. I can’t figure out how to do quotes but when you’re talking about refocusing on words instead of sounds is a mood
6. Maybe I misread, but it’s sounds like he was blameing it on sugar which is ridiculous
I wish you the best on everything!!!

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Hi again, Nancy! Nice to hear from you again, although the circumstances suck…:disappointed_relieved: Sorry to hear you couldn’t find a good doctor in your new place, because the new one sounds like an ignorant ass to me. I’m no doctor, but it sounds like he was talking out of his ass. Honestly, a lot of what you describe sounds like ADHD, but the first doctor talking about mania also doesn’t sound way off, although for a weird reason. Manic focus can feel similar to hyperfocus, at least from what I’ve heard, but harder to break, like you described, forcing a 50lb weight to move. But it’s possible to have both, and a lot of what you’re describing sounds ADHD to me. Of course I’m no doctor, and I’d be looking for ADHD, since that’s where we are and what I have. But it sounds like your doctors have been doing just as much personally directed opining as I am doing now, since they end up with different diagnoses all of them!:open_mouth:

And honestly, the stream of consciousness posts are pretty interesting, flow quite well to be honest, and might even be useful for future analysis, if you find a decent psychologist, as you can show it to him/her to show how your brain works sometimes/most of the time/always, whatever the case maybe. And that might help them better understand your condition.:blush: So I would definitively keep it up. And don’t worry, Nancy. Remember, we don’t judge here (unless someone causes harm, then we have to do something, obviously, like bullying or something). We’re all weird in all sorts of ways, and are more accepting of non-conformal things like this.:heart::blush:

So yeah, try not to worry about posting here, it’s fine.:blush: hugs

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Thank you @Marodir and @ConfusedbutADHDandLD. Your kind words means a lot. I felt misunderstood and therefore lonely. This forum makes me feel less lonely in this sense. Thank you for your support.
@Marodir yeah it’s a good idea to maybe right things down, something like a diary. But then again I am not consistent, so I am not sure I will actually do it. Talking about consistency, I think mania needs to be like one thing and more or less consistent, me I can be overfocused on something and once I unstick my focus I can completely forget about it. Which reminds me someone’s comment here comparing attention to the puppy, except that I myself feel like I’m a puppy, very enthusiastic but easily distracted.
And i can’t help but start wondering that it can’t be right, I mean they are doctors, they went to the medical school, maybe I’m just not doing a good job explaining myself. But here is the problem I Can’t! I feel so confused so maybe when I try to explain they get confused because what I’m saying is confusing and doesn’t make much sense. I don’t know.
And most of my friends tells me that I’m very calm and logic person. But it doesn’t feel this way to me. I mean I feel like I have very chatty brain and emotional storm inside, I do my best to seem normal, be nice and mind my manners, be pleasant and comfortable to be around with, consider others feelings. But I feel like in order to do that I have to overcome some big part of myself, and I really kind of hate part of my self, but what if it’s not me it’s like ADHD in me. Although then some part of me that I like could be adhd too: like creativity and ideas, lots of random cool ideas, and like some stuff that is hard for most of the ppl is actually easy to me. But it’s confusing because often I do amazing at something really hard and complex and my friends and family like: wow you see now? How smart are you! You are genius, you Can when you just apply yourself. And then I fail miserably at something really simple. So I feel like it is adhd but everyone keeps telling me it’s not, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m not happy, I’m struggling, but it’s all inside, and that’s why nobody can see it. But I feel like there is real me that nobody really know.
I don’t know this is going in wrong direction, I definitely had some point I was trying to make, but as always started from very far and got lost on the way. I hate my brain when it happens :rage:

I feel like our society has a stupid definition of smart. They expect you to be good at everything if you’re really good at something. I definitely relate, complex things are engaging and simple things aren’t therefore complex=easy ( at least for me ) and logical shouldn’t be the same thing as calm. I wish we didn’t have to hide parts of ourselves for the sake of politeness :slightly_frowning_face:

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Hey there!

I just wanted to reach out as well because it sounds like you’re having a tough time. I think a lot of us have been through this uncertainty and it’s very stressful and depressing to feel like your struggles are going unrecognised.

In case you just needed to hear this today:

  1. Doctors CAN make mistakes.
  2. Whatever you have, you DESERVE to be heard, understood, treated and to have a good quality of life. Noone has the right to make you feel otherwise.
  3. We are all here to listen without judgement :slight_smile:

You got this!

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Don’t worry, Nancy. What you’re describing does sound a lot like ADHD in combination with (something else), and possibly above average IQ, which often masks ADHD. And this is particularly common in women, as most doctors are more familiar with the male symptoms, and the higher than average IQ makes it even harder to diagnose. Hopefully you can find a good doctor who treats you with respect and listens to you.:blush:

And I’m glad that the forum is helping you feel less alone. That’s the worst, and we’re happy to be here to help show you that you’re not alone in this.:blush:

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Yeah maybe it is something else, like can you be a little, tiny bit bipolar? Lol maybe I just have poor control of my emotions. And this whole idea of having ADHD it’s pretty big thing, I mean I lived all my life thinking about myself in a certain way, and Adhd is like changes a lot, kind of turns my whole world upside down. Maybe it’s that.
I seem to myself a little OCD like sometimes, but it’s more like because it’s such a chaos in my head so I at least try to have something in order. And I am very anxious.
But I researched a little about mania and it doesn’t seem to fit. I have an impression that mania should last longer, I can go from laughing to crying within a minute. I mean I can have sad thoughts and then get distracted with a happy thoughts. Or like when I talk about my symptoms and it’s kind of comical and I laugh and then I realize that it’s actually makes a huge negative effect on my life I might start crying. Maybe it’s just me being emotional person or maybe it’s something else.
Self subpage thing I don’t know I just don’t understand what exactly it means. Tried to read but it’s too confusing and just doesn’t feel wrong.
Anyway I put a list of symptoms that I could remember for now. Let me know if there anything else that comes to your mind. I will research and see if it applies, and maybe take this to the doctor next time I go.

  • Inconsistency so many unfinished hobbies, career paths, projects. Sometimes I feel like the only thing consistent in my life is frustration.

  • Very Poor working memory like when I cross the street I look right then by the time I turn my head left I forgot what was on the right, so I turn my head back and forward 10 times and hate myself for looking like an idiot. And a million other moments of my life.

  • Absent minded like missing my bus stop or train station because I have been daydreaming

  • Get overfocused and loose track of my surroundings

  • Loos things, hard to keep track of my thoughts, feelings, surroundings, things, life you name it, so overwhelming!

  • Racing thoughts, restless mind

  • Very sensitive and very emotional . I Easily get excited, upset or angry and sometimes can’t calm down or control my emotions, so just wait and pray that I will get distracted

  • Excessive talking over sharing

  • Confused so confused all the time

  • Anxious
    I’m also not observant, I don’t know if this is right word. I mean like I never learn. I don’t even know how to explain it. Maybe update later when I find the way.
    And time blindness. Like I don’t have any sense of time. Time estimation.

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Thank you ! Exactly this uncertainty is making me more anxious then I usually am. But your message helped a lot! All of you guys @ConfusedbutADHDandLD, @Assynj, @Marodir Thank you.

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Maybe this thread will help? We’re talking about ADHD and bipolar disorder.
Emotional dysregulation vs bipolar disorder???

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It makes so much sense. Thank you!

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Yay! Glad to be of service :slight_smile:

Also this may be inappropriate to contribute to this thread, but it could be useful…

A while ago, I was talking to a friend about my difficulties with ADD and she gave me the advice that sometimes it’s counterproductive to try and label things (even if that is definitely what they are) but rather to focus on the symptoms and treating those instead.

I have mixed thoughts about this, as I’m sure we all do, but it did help in that moment as a short term fix!

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Treating the symptoms of anything is usually a bad idea unless treating the root problem is impossible, unless for short periods of extremely problematic symptoms. Always better to go to for the root problem if possible, so that advice needs a ton of salt, I think… For emergencies, sure, but always try to get proper treatment for the real problem if possible, rather than just symptoms.

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Glad we could be of help, Nancy!:blush:

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Hey thanks for the feedback!

Yeah I agree, I do have a lot of mixed emotions about that particular bit of advice and I’d love to get into it at some point because I really don’t know too much about it.

For long term eradication of the issue you definitely need to get to the root cause. If something is bothering you in the moment though, I think it’s okay to pursue whatever solution will help you - I often find a lot of help for emotional dysregulation from sources aimed at BPD, and while I don’t have that I figure if it works it works (Emphasis on in the short term)

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Okay also sorry I actually just read the first line of your reply before I commented… (oops) but yes my point still stands I would love to explore this further because yeah… It’s… Yeah. Tricky. Yeah… :sweat_smile:

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Borderline Personality Disorder? Can’t see how that helps with emotional problems, but if it works, it works.:sweat_smile: And yeah, short-term help can be necessary before someone’s ready to deal with the root problems.:+1:

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