I got diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression this summer. I always kinda thought I had it, but ADHD testing is crazy expensive and the only reason I could get it done was that my previous university had it for $100 instead of $1000. After getting that diagnosed, I tried to find a psychiatrist to try something to help me manage it. Before diagnosis, I’d failed Calculus 1 three times, Flunked out of a semester, and then as I finished testing, had to medically withdraw (from another semester I was on track to fail) to keep from killing my GPA.
I transferred to WGU, an online self-paced school, got a new job doing web design, and have been trying to get my ducks in order, but I feel constantly out of my depth. The job was for Web Developer/Designer and I’m no designer. They knew that when they hired me and planned to train me in design because there were no other applicants in the months before I applied. It’s hell, mostly because I struggle with design constantly and that just triggers the part of me that gave up in all the other things I failed at.
I’m constantly tired, stressed, tense, and desperate for a change that looks like it’s a year off at best. I’ve been applying to every job in the area I can, but that one job is literally the only one to give me a call back because I don’t have my degree yet. I’m a year off from my degree if I can get it done at breakneck pace, and even then that’s gonna be a struggle. I can’t just up and move because:
1: can’t save enough to hold me over till I get employed there
2: I live with my fiance who I love dearly and also doesn’t have the credentials or experience to get a job elsewhere fast enough we could afford it.
It feels like my life is on hold right now, constantly struggling to study, work, or really do anything. I’m procrastinating studying for Calc I at WGU as we speak because I feel so tired and unmotivated. At work, my performance has dwindled and I have to fight to get into work in the morning, let alone accomplish anything. If I keep getting worse, they’ll have to fire me cause they’re a small company of fewer than 10 people struggling to pay everyone as it is.
I can’t find the motivation to do anything, and I’m letting myself, my fiance, and my family, down. I recently started Adderall XR at 20MG and I feel like I can kinda focus more, but I’m also starting to get headaches and muscle soreness which I can’t figure out if it’s the stress or the medication that’s causing this. I feel like I’m just struggling everywhere and that it’s going to take a year of feeling like this to even have a chance of feeling any better. I don’t even know if I can start visiting counseling because it costs $50 dollars a session and that’s a lot.
I don’t know why I feel the need to let this all out here, or what I expect anyone to be able to help me with or talk to me about, but this community is so kind and beautiful that it just makes me want to bare my soul. I’m so happy I discovered HowToADHD and I feel like this place is home to the best kind of people. Thank you for doing everything you do.