I just need to rant a bit and write this off my chest. I have been feeling like a failure for a long time now. Since october 2019 I have been diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type. A lot of things fell on it’s place and I was very relieved because it explained so much. Though that feeling of joy and relief lasted not very long. I have been in group therapy/training, which I must say I do like a lot and feels it helps.
But today I met the mother of a very good childhood friend. We talked a bit and said that her daughter would be close to renting out a house with her girlfriend. Amazing. I am happy for her, and really not jealous at all.
After our talk I couldn’t help but feel just a like a failure that didn’t accomplish anything. I am 25 now. In the 5th year of my bachelor studies. That study normally just takes 4 years. I will maybe take me another 2 years. My college friends have already graduated and taking the next step in adult life, like a serious job. And here I am, still living at home, taking way long for my study, and working part time jobs.
I don’t mind the living at home. My father has a bipolar disorder and I will absolutely not let my mother live alone with him. Now he is deeply depressed, so that means we have to take care of him, make sure he eats, showers and try to get him to be a bit active again.
He can’t do things for themselves and he is no help with financial problems he caused when he was in his severe manic state. So besides trying to do my own things, I am also basically a social worker for them. My mother speaks the Dutch language well, both written and spoken, but some things like taxes and other issues can be quite complicated for her. She has enough on her plate with taking care of my dad, so I try my best to help where I can.
The worst thing is, that I know the problem is me. I should have studied harder, I shouldn’t have procrastinated.
I know you are not supposed to compare yourself to other people. And life isn’t a race. It’s the journey what matters, but listening to such advice is hard when I feel like this.