(Warning: it’s a long ass post)
Well the title says it.
Just a minute to rant about everything.
I’m sitting at home having a burnout at 18 years old. I have quite a past that causes me to suffer from ptsd. Also reactive attachment disorder (RAD). You can search on the internet what it means. ADHD is most likely genetics, so I’m not worrying about that.
Sooo, for the people who don’t know what a burnout is: basically you’re exhausted and can’t function anymore in daily life. That’s my situation right now. Last year I had a complete terrible mental breakdown, because we started a healing process. I then proceeded, while still in the process of getting better from my mental breakdown, to accomplish something really amazing. In 8 weeks time, with about 12 hours of school in a week, I finished about 16 tests and 20 something other projects by myself and on almost every single one of them I scored really well. The only help I mainly got were the explanations of how the projects needed to be done. The majority of the rest I did on my own. Especially for the situation I was in. I then needed to do a 9 week very mentally and physically challenging internship. I decided to do this 3 days a week. I was an intern at a horse stable where they’re on a really high level jumping. They won the national championship in jumping and became second and first with the European championships. That’s how good they are. I had to work from 8 am until 6 pm every day. That was long for me. Like I said, I decided to come 3 times a week. It resulted in me having to continue internship during summer break. So in the end I think I did about 13 weeks of internship. I didn’t really have a summer break. Then back to school, and this is where it went wrong. I obviously was in desperate need for a break. I got into a burnout. And that’s the situation right now.
Now into the situation where I’m frustrated. I’ve been sitting home for about 4 weeks now. I still have about 4 weeks home before I go to school again. I’m only going half days to school. We spoke that through.Im trying my absolute best to get up every single morning, to eat properly every single day and to try and move every single day by either dancing, walking, working out or stretching. I also go out and about since I’m having rehearsals for an upcoming 3 nights of concerts. Performing is my passion, and therefore I do it. It’s just extremely difficult for me. The rest of the time I rest. I do things like crafting, organizing things on my laptop since I have time for that now. Things like that. I try to sleep enough and also not too much. But it’s super difficult. It’s a struggle getting out of bed. Yet I do it. It’s a struggle to eat. I have 0 appetite. I’m not enjoying food at all. Yet I keep eating as healthy as possible. I try to physically stay active, but it does not make me feel any better. My stamina, strength, conditions and even flexibility (I’m naturally very flexible) have gone down drastically. I’m also really getting tired of not being able to do anything. I’m someone who cannot sir still. I need to d something. Might be an ADHD quirk, I don’t know. But I have no choice but to relax. Then with all of that I have two parents who think I’m not moving or doing enough. Litteraly that’s what they said. They want me to do more active things during the day while I said multiple times that they’re only making me more tired. Oh and I didn’t mention that my whole digestive system is not oka either. I have no idea what’s wrong, but I have quite some stomach pains, nausea and things like that. I also have frequent headaches. I want to be more active and I simply can’t cause I have no energy for it at all. And mom gets fed up with me. If I want to sleep in 30 minutes longer then usually, she lashes out on me for being lazy, when I’m really just catching up on some much needed sleep. I then usually think: be happy that I get out of bed at all. That on its own is one big challenge for me. Then she’s forcing me to go places. Like I said before: I can’t bc I’m too tired for it. And not to mention I already go places with rehearsals and stuff. That is enough for me for now. That already makes me tired. She calls me out for being lazy, and I’m just simply tired.
I’m just completely frustrated with everything. I love my parents with all my heart. I’m just honestly on the verge of snapping. They are telling me to push through a little and show some perseverance when I’ve been doing that for the past freaking year. These are moments where I wish I could live on my own. It’s not gonna take long before I snap, and my parents don’t deserve that. They’re trying their best and I know that. But at the moment they’re not really helping me. I don’t know what to do with that at the very moment. I’m exhausted and tired and I feel sick. Please give me a break. They know damn well that I really wanna go out and do stuff. I hate sitting home and doing nothing. Okay, it’s amazing for 2 days. After that I’m getting fed up with it. And it’s been 4 weeks now. I don’t mind having a burnout. I’m not ashamed. I’m not bashing myself down for it. I’m not blaming myself. I’m just frustrated that it doesn’t allow me to do anything. All I actually wanna do is just sleep. That’s all. I’m resting a lot for my doing. But now I’m becoming restless bc I can’t do anything. Yet if I go and do stuff I become tired. So what on earth am I gonna do with this?
Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m just done right now. I’m mad at my parents. I’m frustrated at the situation. And I don’t know what I need to do with it. I’m kinda stuck now.