I just need to get rid of my feelings

(Warning: it’s a long ass post)

Well the title says it.

Just a minute to rant about everything.

I’m sitting at home having a burnout at 18 years old. I have quite a past that causes me to suffer from ptsd. Also reactive attachment disorder (RAD). You can search on the internet what it means. ADHD is most likely genetics, so I’m not worrying about that.

Sooo, for the people who don’t know what a burnout is: basically you’re exhausted and can’t function anymore in daily life. That’s my situation right now. Last year I had a complete terrible mental breakdown, because we started a healing process. I then proceeded, while still in the process of getting better from my mental breakdown, to accomplish something really amazing. In 8 weeks time, with about 12 hours of school in a week, I finished about 16 tests and 20 something other projects by myself and on almost every single one of them I scored really well. The only help I mainly got were the explanations of how the projects needed to be done. The majority of the rest I did on my own. Especially for the situation I was in. I then needed to do a 9 week very mentally and physically challenging internship. I decided to do this 3 days a week. I was an intern at a horse stable where they’re on a really high level jumping. They won the national championship in jumping and became second and first with the European championships. That’s how good they are. I had to work from 8 am until 6 pm every day. That was long for me. Like I said, I decided to come 3 times a week. It resulted in me having to continue internship during summer break. So in the end I think I did about 13 weeks of internship. I didn’t really have a summer break. Then back to school, and this is where it went wrong. I obviously was in desperate need for a break. I got into a burnout. And that’s the situation right now.

Now into the situation where I’m frustrated. I’ve been sitting home for about 4 weeks now. I still have about 4 weeks home before I go to school again. I’m only going half days to school. We spoke that through.Im trying my absolute best to get up every single morning, to eat properly every single day and to try and move every single day by either dancing, walking, working out or stretching. I also go out and about since I’m having rehearsals for an upcoming 3 nights of concerts. Performing is my passion, and therefore I do it. It’s just extremely difficult for me. The rest of the time I rest. I do things like crafting, organizing things on my laptop since I have time for that now. Things like that. I try to sleep enough and also not too much. But it’s super difficult. It’s a struggle getting out of bed. Yet I do it. It’s a struggle to eat. I have 0 appetite. I’m not enjoying food at all. Yet I keep eating as healthy as possible. I try to physically stay active, but it does not make me feel any better. My stamina, strength, conditions and even flexibility (I’m naturally very flexible) have gone down drastically. I’m also really getting tired of not being able to do anything. I’m someone who cannot sir still. I need to d something. Might be an ADHD quirk, I don’t know. But I have no choice but to relax. Then with all of that I have two parents who think I’m not moving or doing enough. Litteraly that’s what they said. They want me to do more active things during the day while I said multiple times that they’re only making me more tired. Oh and I didn’t mention that my whole digestive system is not oka either. I have no idea what’s wrong, but I have quite some stomach pains, nausea and things like that. I also have frequent headaches. I want to be more active and I simply can’t cause I have no energy for it at all. And mom gets fed up with me. If I want to sleep in 30 minutes longer then usually, she lashes out on me for being lazy, when I’m really just catching up on some much needed sleep. I then usually think: be happy that I get out of bed at all. That on its own is one big challenge for me. Then she’s forcing me to go places. Like I said before: I can’t bc I’m too tired for it. And not to mention I already go places with rehearsals and stuff. That is enough for me for now. That already makes me tired. She calls me out for being lazy, and I’m just simply tired.

I’m just completely frustrated with everything. I love my parents with all my heart. I’m just honestly on the verge of snapping. They are telling me to push through a little and show some perseverance when I’ve been doing that for the past freaking year. These are moments where I wish I could live on my own. It’s not gonna take long before I snap, and my parents don’t deserve that. They’re trying their best and I know that. But at the moment they’re not really helping me. I don’t know what to do with that at the very moment. I’m exhausted and tired and I feel sick. Please give me a break. They know damn well that I really wanna go out and do stuff. I hate sitting home and doing nothing. Okay, it’s amazing for 2 days. After that I’m getting fed up with it. And it’s been 4 weeks now. I don’t mind having a burnout. I’m not ashamed. I’m not bashing myself down for it. I’m not blaming myself. I’m just frustrated that it doesn’t allow me to do anything. All I actually wanna do is just sleep. That’s all. I’m resting a lot for my doing. But now I’m becoming restless bc I can’t do anything. Yet if I go and do stuff I become tired. So what on earth am I gonna do with this?

Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m just done right now. I’m mad at my parents. I’m frustrated at the situation. And I don’t know what I need to do with it. I’m kinda stuck now.

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Are you currently seeing a therapist? Having someone outside of your home to vent to and to validate you can be incredibly important, especially when under the stress of parents who don’t understand.

Are there local support groups where you are? Maybe through the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance or at a local treatment center? Those can be a great source of support, and sometimes they have programs to help educate family members.

I think it’s important to find an outlet for the anger, discontent, and hurt you’re carrying inside. If you don’t find a way to get it out it will come out in ways that you don’t mean it to. You might inadvertently damage a relationship with someone, or even literally damage some thing. Being burnt out is a fairly normal thing, so don’t beat yourself up over it and don’t let others beat you up either. Life is exhausting, and you can’t just will your way through it all the time.

I’m glad you wrote about it. Someone said once about writing, “Get it out and let it live somewhere else.” That’s a good way to put it. Find a way to get these things out of your head. Even if it doesn’t “fix” anything it still gives you a safe outlet to share, and hopefully receive support here.

Finally, I’d say take time for you. I know motivation and focus are hard right now, but finding just one thing a day that you can do for yourself. Maybe it’s a Youtube video, or 15 minutes of music, or picking up dirty laundry off the floor. Maybe it’s petting your pet, or watching a movie, or calling a good friend. Just one thing.

I believe you can get through this. No matter how daunting it seems. Hang in there. You have support here. <3

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Yes I go to therapy. At least once a week. Right now also sometimes twice a week. That’s where my healing process started. I originally came to see if I have ADHD or autism. Well I have ADHD. But it twisted around into going through my past and trying to get rid of the trauma it brought me. Since this week we’re also gonna start EMDR. It’s a method of trying to get rid of trauma. So yeah I definitely have therapy. For over a year now.

The support group is really this forum and my friends. I text with people a lot. So I’m thankful for it.

And I do get rid of feelings. I cry where necessary and all that. I sing and craft, which is a way of getting rid of feelings. But because of my PTSD I don’t allow myself to fully do this or relax in any way. So to truly do things I first need to get rid of my PTSD. It’s stupid but true.

And in terms of doing things: I do them. I’m not gonna be in bed sleeping all day long. I don’t want that. I’ve done many things I usually don’t really do bc I don’t have the time for it. For instance, cleaning and organizing things on my laptop and stuff like that. It’s just that itwhatever I try and do doesn’t work. I would even say I’m getting worse instead of better at this point. But maybe that’s because I’m at home all the time. But then again, I can’t do a lot. I just don’t have the energy for it.

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It sounds like you’re doing everything you can then. That’s awesome! I wish I could offer more than encouragement. :slight_smile:

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Man… there is just a lot going on here. Let’s try and break it down… (drops some beats… wait… no… )

Okay. Mom. Is she understanding of how ADHD affects your life? Cause… kinda feels like the answer is no, and that is going to be an issue if it continues. Not insurmountable, but an issue.

For that matter, how long since your diagnosis? How educated are you on how ADHD is affecting you? (I went on a several month bender of googling and “wiki-walking” various sites and learning everything I could about the disorder. (Literally, my job was on the line. I had to figure this out!) Sometimes when we know more, we can share better to our loved ones, and they can then support us. But if Mom is a denier, or just can’t seem to wrap her brain around it, well… We will need to figure that out.

Did you start any medication? Your stomach issues might be related, especially if it started around the time you started medical treatment.
I take 60mg of Vyvannse (I’m a big dude, so I get the higher does. Yeesh). When I started, I had NO appatite, I lost 30 pounds in a month (which was nice… ) and I had the poos like nothing else. It buuuuuurned.
But why?
Vyvanse (and many other meds) work by coating the inside of the stomach and then being absorbed throughout the working period (in my case about 8-10 hours) via the stomach lining. If a stomach is not used to this yet, it can get… cranky. Usually takes about a month or so to even out.
If your stomach issues are not linked to meds, it could be stress, a food allergy, gluten sensitivity, IBS… a whole host of things. A medical professional is going to be more qualified then us to address that. Personally, from what I am seeing, I would be leaning towards Non-Celiac’g Gluten Sensitivity, but that is partially because my wife deals with that and has similar symptoms. (Random headaches, stomach issues, etc.) You might try an elimination diet to find any food reactions, but with everything else going on that might be a bit much to add to your stress.

Bring up your family issues with your therapist. They may be able to speak from a position of authority to your parents (vs. “our child, whom we know better than”) about what is going on and how to help you get through this.

Hope this helps.
JTH.

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Thanks for all the advice

What I think my mom has trouble with is not understanding it, but empathizing with it. She knows how ADHD works. I do too. I have a lot of self knowledge. I know myself and I also know how ADHD works on me. She also knows. She just can’t imagine how it’s like. For instance when I’m fidgeting around she can’t imaging having to fidget in order to pay attention. For her it’s quite the opposite. And I understand that. She understands me, but finds it difficult to empathize. At least that’s what I think. That same thing goes with the burnout. She’s had one before, but she had some different symptoms. Because of that, she can’t emphathize with me.

I think it’s been a few months since I’ve been diagnosed. I quite quickly also got my meds. And I know it fiddles around with my appetite. But it’s gotten worse. And the gluten and stuff are also things I’ve been thinking about. I’m gonna run a blood test as well to see if I need to take any supplements as well. Like vitamins and stuff.

I definitely bring them up in therapy. My therapist finds it great how I’m dealing with the situation. Yesterday my anger came out. And mom and me talked for a bit. So we’re settled for a minute. I’m sure it’ll come back at one point again.

Thanks for the advice :heart::heart:

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