I’m getting fed up with mom being “controlling”

Yep it’s getting on my nerves now.

I’ve been having some low dopamine days again. I can’t get anything done but I’m dealing and figuring it out.

My mom, even from a distance, immediately notices that. And it’s becoming annoying right now.
A good example is yesterday. I wanted to apply for 2 jobs via email which I told mom I actually wanted to do last Friday but I forgot. Then she texts me on if I applied forcing me to immediately apply so I can say yes. Kind of like, she’s forcing me over the wall of awful.

The point is, I feel like she’s too controlling over me. I moved out for a reason mom. Let me go already. Let me please figure things out on my own.

I have told this to her before. But she did explain that she feels the need to do it cause she feels like I can’t do it all alone yet. I understand her cause the last 3 years have been kinda crazy with a whole healing process going on. So I understand her worries. But she can’t let them go and that’s starting to be annoying. That I have difficulties cleaning the house one day doesn’t mean that I am immediately depressed or something. Or that the world is ending. I’ve been finally able to accept that part of my ADHD and I’m being kind to myself when I have such days. Now it’s her turn. I won’t be able to have a perfectly clean house like she does, but she does hold me up to that standard and I don’t want to. It’s my house so my rules.

She also FaceTimed me today with the idea that “it’s not going well”. And she’s right. I’ve been having struggles getting things done the past days. But I litteraly lied to her cause I’m done with her being so controlling. It tell a lot when I, someone who never lies, starts lying to her own mother.

Guess I’m gonna have to say it to her again sometime soon. I’m getting ADHD therapy soon. And I wanna figure it out by myself. If I need help, she knows she’ll hear from me.

Jeez that rant is out.
Sorry I had to get it out somewhere

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As a parent of two grown children, I know how hard it can be too let go. It can be hard for a parent to think of their grown child as an adult, and we have such a strong desire to help our kids.

I have a daughter in her mid-20’s, and she’s a feisty one. She couldn’t wait to leave home, and she didn’t often accept any advice… My wife and I came to realize that we had to wait for her to ask for it.

I have a son who will be 19 soon. He’s much more easy-going like me, so he hasn’t been in a rush to leave home. He is in college for now, but he’s planning to take some time off. Remembering how I was at his age, I keep offering advice that he hasn’t asked for. (And he’s often too polite to tell me when he doesn’t want or need it, so I’m learning once again to ask if I can lend advice, instead of just giving it.)

Unfortunately, it takes time for us parents to change our ways.
Parent personality has a lot to do with it, too. My wife is a take-charge kind of person. Sometimes she can only hold back for so long before she starts giving everyone direction (back when we first got married and she was working as a secretary, I remember witnessing hey bossing her boss on occasion). If your mom’s behavior is due to her personality, then she might learn to hold back, but there will be times that she just can’t stop herself.


@Bubbles17, be consistent in reminding your mom that you want to figure things out for yourself. When you’re not sure about what to do, try thinking about how someone else that you know would do it successfully. (Perhaps your mom, perhaps someone else who has set a good example.)

Tip #1: If you solve a problem by asking yourself, “what would my Mom say or do”, then you might tell her. It makes us proud when we know that our kids were paying attention to the lessons we were trying to teach them.

Tip #2: Steer the conversation. When there is something that you would be willing to ask your mom’s advice about, talk out your thought process: what you’re considering; why you’re considering it; why you are asking for her input; etc.

  • You might have to rehearse this beforehand.
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I am honestly really on the verge of saying: mom, I don’t wanna hear a word from you for a week or two. I love you, but you’re too controlling.

Moms issue is the fact that I’ve been abused as a child, I am a foster child (she’s my foster mom), I actually went through a whole healing process and because of that the last few years were crazy, and the ADHD diagnosis is pretty new (1,5 years ago). With my brothers she never had an issue letting them go but I am a whole different story. She often tells me that she thinks I’ll never be able to properly take care of a house a 100% alone simply because I have ADHD. No mom, not the way you do it. You’re correct. Cause I’m not you. I’m me and I do things my way. I’ll find my way. I love her and she has done so much for me. And I keep telling her. But if I do or say one thing that’s not her way (like not reacting to her messages when I need a small break from socializing or saying I don’t like how controlling she is) she can flip out and tell me I seem ungrateful.

Well then it seems that way. You really think I care? You know I’m not. I’m just trying to figure things out. Leave me in that.

I’m not angry at her. I’m just frustrated. She really needs to stop.

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