I’m new here

[Valemiria]

Hi,

My name’s Becca, I’m 26, in a Virgo and I’m Canadian.
I was formally diagnosed with ADHD & Panic attacks when I was eight years old. I was on 20mg of Strattera at the time but I couldn’t swallow pills to save my life so I often just hid them around the house. When I did take them, I was either not eating or overeating, exhausted or not sleeping.
I come from a military family (both parents were involved) and I have a younger (two years difference) autistic brother.
My dad isn’t big on medication unless you really need them. My mum on the other hand is a bit more understanding.
I’ve gone through several traumatic instances in my life, the last was being engaged to an abusive narcissist that I had known since I was 11, luckily, I’ve been free of that for four years now but I’m still trying to heal from it.
I’ve been a care giver all my life, I was basically a third parent to my brother since my parents were always working long and often early and late hours (they switched to government work and would work as early as 5am to 6pm).
I missed out on a lot of things as a kid, sometimes I didn’t mind and some times I did but it was tough with my brother having autism and not having the resources like there are now.
Now that he’s old enough to (mostly) take care of himself, I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve dropped out of college twice and had to leave the first time because my (narcissistic) ex messed up our living situation financially and I had to leave.
Now that I’m trying to rebuild or “rebrand” myself, it’s been difficult. I’ve been struggling mostly with my panic attacks these past few years and now I’m realizing that a lot of the things I do, say, act, etc. are due to my mostly untreated ADHD.
Im trying to educate myself about it more and I have learned a lot thanks to Jessica, the team and the videos on YouTube.
But, I’ve been feeling down lately.
Whenever I find something new and interesting about ADHD that I share to my small inner circle, they don’t seem to care or I feel like im annoying them.
I feel stupid a lot of the time. Someone could have just told me something (for example, what to do at work) and I stand there for a moment and try to do it but then have to ask for clarification and often. I can’t seem to do simple tasks which in turn, makes me feel more stupid. Most of the time, I feel like I’m trying to read hieroglyphs but don’t even know what they say.
And with hyper focus, it makes me feel like I’ll never be able to commit to anything. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, even since I was a kid (ironically, around the time I was diagnosed) but I often scrap ideas but I overthink them or just forget about them and move onto something else. I’m all over the place all of the time and it’s starting to make me feel like a failure.
Im hoping to get onto ADHD medication soon (going to give strattera another go and see how that goes) but I need to get bloodwork and an EKG done before that happens and with my work schedule, it’s kind of difficult.
Im sure there’s plenty more I could add but I’ve rambled long enough.
Thankful to be here and looking forward to learning more and getting to know others who can relate with the ADHD struggles/way of life.

[j_d_aengus]

Hi @Valemiria and welcome to the HowToADHD forums!

Thanks for introducing yourself. Yeah, untreated ADHD can make life difficult.

I’m on a generic form of Strattera (atomoxetine), and it makes a huge difference from me. I can actually manage my attention now thanks to it.

@Valemiria

Someone could have just told me something (for example, what to do at work) and I stand there for a moment and try to do it but then have to ask for clarification and often.

I can relate with that. It seems like much of my own work life. To learn a new process, I have to take it step-by-step. (It may take me a while to learn a work process, but once I do, I know it so well that I’m usually made the trainer to for others.)

Thanks for joining us here on the forums. Feel free to share your thoughts, ideas and experiences. Read through the other posts here.
Welcome to the tribe!

[Brooklyn]

Welcome to our family!

[Dawnslayer]

@Valemiria

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, even since I was a kid (ironically, around the time I was diagnosed) but I often scrap ideas but I overthink them or just forget about them and move onto something else. I’m all over the place all of the time and it’s starting to make me feel like a failure.

Something that I’ve learned from my experiences writing is that even if you feel all over the place, keep a list of ideas. It seems like a lot until you write it all down, and then you can say “hey, I have 20 ideas in storage for the future for when I need them.” I still have a bunch of drafts started and not finished, but it does help to decide to work on one thing for one month before switching gears.

Or to have one primary project, and then work on whatever else you want after you’ve finished your daily goal on the primary.

Also, you can always combine story ideas. There’s no reason why you can’t blend genres. (I am particularly fond of science-fantasy myself.)

And as Louis L’Amour once said, “Start writing, no matter what. The water doesn’t flow until the faucet it turned on.”

[Valemiria]

It really is aha
I think I’m going to be going onto a generic brand of strattera as well but need to get the bloodwork and EKG done first
I’m hoping that it will help with racing thoughts/overthinking but I guess I’ll have to wait and see
When it comes to work or anything like that, I often feel stupid because I don’t get it the first time or because it takes me a while to process. I don’t like how people treat me or talk to me like I’m a child when it happens, feels very demeaning.
Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate it and thank you for welcoming me

[Valemiria]

Thank you so much

[Valemiria]

All very good points!
I find a lot of my ideas are very similar or based around the same thing which I suppose isn’t a bad thing per se.
Right now I’m just trying my hardest not to scrap anything, I usually do that on impulse then regret it later.
My only other issue is that I have a million notebooks and write a bit in all of them so my ideas are in several different notebooks so I’ll have to collect everything and put them together in one
Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate it

[j_d_aengus]

@Dawnslayer

Something that I’ve learned from my experiences writing is that even if you feel all over the place, keep a list of ideas. It seems like a lot until you write it all down, and then you can say “hey, I have 20 ideas in storage for the future for when I need them.”

I’ve read something about how successful writers and other creative people will do this. Some keep notebooks or other paper-based systems. I think the article I read said that comedians Robin Williams and Joan Rivers kept 3x5 cards with jokes on them (and if I remember right, Rivers’ collection was over a million cards).

@Valemiria

My only other issue is that I have a million notebooks and write a bit in all of them so my ideas are in several different notebooks so I’ll have to collect everything and put them together in one

I do the same thing. I’ve got notebooks all over that place with ideas and story beginnings written in them, as well as electronic files of the same filed in different places (on my computer hard drive or in a couple of different cloud storage services). I used to write down random ideas on scraps of paper, then started keeping a small notebook in my pocket for that purpose, and now I usually put those notes on my phone (automatically backed up to the cloud, so I don’t lose them if my phone dies).

I’ve got ideas for many fiction stories (novels and short stories, mostly sci-fi, but also spanning other genres), plus several ideas for nonfiction works (two books and things to blog about). I’ve got so many ideas recorded already that, if I can just develop the discipline to write consistently, I could keep writing for years. I realized on November 6th that we’re in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and I don’t have a plan yet if what I’m going to write about this year. (Last year was my first real attempt.)

[Valemiria]

My boyfriend and mum have told me to keep all my ideas, no matter how much I want to chuck them. My mum was the one who got me into writing and when she heard I was “scrapping” ideas or even chapters/books that I was working on, she was not happy aha
Thanks brain for making me believe I won’t be able to create anything good enough to get published
I wanted to do horror because I LOVE Edgar Allan Poe, Lovecraft and Stephen King but it’s difficult so I’ve been looking at poetry (since I’ve been doing it since high school), short stories (I won 2nd place in a high school writing contest and it was published in the towns local newspaper) and fiction. I’ll obsess almost over my idea for a while then gradually distance myself from it, sometimes to take a little break but mostly because I don’t think anything will ever come out of it.
I usually just spend my time on word doing “practice writing”. I’ve been doing it for a few years now, the longer I do it the more polished my writing becomes but in my opinion, I still have a long way to go, details are not my forte

[j_d_aengus]

@Valemiria

I think I’m going to be going onto a generic brand of strattera as well but need to get the bloodwork and EKG done first
I’m hoping that it will help with racing thoughts/overthinking but I guess I’ll have to wait and see

Yup, the tests are part of the process. I don’t know that atomoxetine has helped with my occasional racing thoughts or overthinking. I believe I experience both less often than I used to, but when I get anxious or am short on sleep I still do.

I’ve only had an EKG once in my life (it was this year), after my doctor heard a heart murmur during one of my checkups. (Good result, nothing physically wrong with my heart.)

• My doctor had tried me on Adderall for a few months before I was changed to atomoxetine. The best that Adderall did for me was half the effectiveness that atomoxetine has for me. At a higher dose, Adderall also had the side effect of tachycardia (elevated heart rate).
• Anxiety can elevate heart rate, potentially triggering the fight or flight response. However, I recently learned that the reverse is also true: Tachycardia (persistent heart rate above 100 BPM) can cause a person to feel anxious (“I feel the signs of anxiety, so I must be anxious”). It can even contribute to triggering the fight or flight response.
• I’ve only had tachycardia since I started on ADHD medication. It was totally understandable that Adderall would do this, because it’s a stimulant. However, I just discovered that atomoxetine can as well. (Then again, I’ve been stressing about relationship issues between me and my wife, and not sleeping well because of it. Stress and lack of sleep can cause all kinds of issues with the body.)

[Dawnslayer]

@j_d_aengus

I’ve read something about how successful writers and other creative people will do this. Some keep notebooks or other paper-based systems. I think the article I read said that comedians Robin Williams and Joan Rivers kept 3x5 cards with jokes on them (and if I remember right, Rivers’ collection was over a million cards).

I didn’t realize that was a thing. I was just having so many ideas that I wanted to write, and I knew I couldn’t write them all right away, so I just started a list. Usually I’ll pick something out from the list for National Novel Writing Month, though.

[Dawnslayer]

Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of writers say that scrapping ideas was one of their biggest mistakes. Keep everything, even if it is just to see your progress. (I will never be able to emphasize this enough.)

Secondly, there are basically infinite genres of fiction, although the closest to horror I can think of would be grimdark fantasy or thriller. Even in horror genre you have everything from body horror to psychological horror, to folk horror. (According to Google, anyway, I don’t know much about horror, personally.) …and I lost where I was going with this.

When it comes down to “practice writing” the best advice I can give you is to just jump into it. After all, you could practice forever and never end up writing anything that gets published, and practicing drafting won’t teach you how to edit. In the writing process, you normally get the bones of the story down first and then flesh it out and refine it with each round of edits. So if you miss a detail, you can make note of it for editing and just keep going.

[Valemiria]

I didn’t realize there was so many strains of horror now. I still thought there was only psychological horror, and your regular run of the mill horror. I’ll have to look into the other sub genres for sure!
I laughed when you said “I forgot where I was going with this” thought it was cute.
You do have a point there, I think I just refer back to the practice stuff when I hit a wall or get bored of whatever I’m trying to write. I tho I in some way it’s just so I don’t totally abandon writing for a period of time.
I took a masterclass with James Patterson, and he said you should write for at least 5 minutes being the minimum just so you stay in the habit of it. I think that’s why I do it but I don’t know. Could just be my desire to write but about nothing in particular.
You have raised some very good points!

[Valemiria]

Yeah. I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can about anxiety (which is what I thought I had initially) and panic attacks so I could try to get it under control but it doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference.
Stimulant medication is definitely not a good idea for me, I’m already an neurotic, nervous mess as it is aha
That’s why I was aiming for strattera. I guess there’s another one but I can’t remember the name of it. My doctor told me I guess there’s a larger selection in terms or non-stimulant meds but I have yet to hear about any of them, if that’s true.
I was on 20mg of citalopram two years ago for my panic and it helped for the first bit but it turned on me and it felt like my body was turning on me, like it wanted to cause me harm so I stopped taking them. I’ve been iffy with the idea of medication since but I also just want to go about my life like I used to, without worrying about everything all at once to the point where I freak myself out. It’s exhausting.
I was venting to my mum maybe a month ago now, and she said it sounds like I have a fear of living. I have to agree to a point. But I have no idea how to “expose” myself to that other than just living my life. I’ve been a caretaker for so long that it feels strange to do anything for myself.