Ok, quick intro. I was diagnosed with ADD two years ago, when I was 16. I had been seeing a psychologist since I was 13 to help me deal with my anxiety and other issues. I had initially went to get tested for dyslexia and GAD, but through all that found out that I did have a reading disability, but it wasn’t dyslexia, GAD, and ADD. ADD wasn’t even on my radar until I started getting tested, and I was somewhat shocked when I got the results. Fast forward to October 2019, I started seeing a psychiatrist at the recommendation of my therapist. We had gotten to a point in my schooling where I was having so many problems in school that it was starting to affect my grades and sleep. Ok, now on to the main issue.
So trying to find a good psychiatrist is always hard, I mean, really, any doctor in general. My older sister had some bad experiences with psychiatrists, but in general her body doesn’t respond to most medications well. So while looking for one, my mom realized that a cousin of my uncle’s is a psychiatrist. While I never met her before hand, my mom knew her from some family parties in college. She is incredibly smart and her dad was a very well-known doctor. We knew she had a very good head on her shoulders and is very in to taking holistic approaches before trying medication. She is an incredibly nice person.
I was super nervous a my first appointment, and started panicking while she asked my mom and I questions. I didn’t really realize it then, but something about her tone bothered me. She’s very logical, which I like, but also somewhat dismissive. I liked how she thought more than just about meds, but at the same time she was making it sound like what I was going through is normal for teens and my lack of motivation is something I just have to get over.
Eventually she put me on a low dose of Zoloft, which did seem to help my anxiety a lot. She wanted to start there and see if my focus issues were more anxiety based, which is fair. A lot of what I talked to her about seemed to be greatly affected by my anxiety. I started taking that in January, slowly increasing the dose when needed. During the last 9 months the appointments have been more medication based, which is fine since I have my psychologist to talk to for the more emotional side of things. None of this really bothered I just started college 3 weeks ago, and I have been having a really hard time keeping organized, getting the drive to do anything, and just generally enjoying anything.
I had my monthly appointment with her today and I asked about trying a stimulant. I explained to her how many issues I’ve been having with school recently, and she just said it was due to me trying to handle to transition to college. I understand what she was talking about, but all the things I was explaining to her were common topics on How to ADHD that I know are different from neurotypical people. I know that what I’m going through isn’t “normal” and is affected by my ADD. I’ve been losing a lot, which I think I’ve just been noticing more and hasn’t necessarily gotten worse since starting school. I’ve been forgetting to turn in my assignments, which has never happened before, but I was homeschooled my entire life, so I never really had to turn things in. Like, I did the assignments, I just forgot to turn them in. I’ve always had issues starting things, but after getting watching How to ADHD, I’ve realized it not just me being lazy or unmotivated.
She kept saying that it’s common for new college students to have these issues, but I don’t think she understands the ADHD brain as well as I hoped she did. She tells me that part of growing up and being an adult is doing things we don’t want to, when we don’t want to. I get that, but this is different. I’m just frustrated because at this point with all the distance learning and uncertainty in the world, I would have liked to have more answers or help with managing my ADD than I have. I feel like a year should have been enough time to progress more than it has. I keep trying to do what she says, but it just doesn’t seem right to me. I kept thinking that I was just lazy, or over-dramatic, or dumb, or all this was my fault for not explaining my issues to her well enough. But after my appointment today, I feel like I need to change my doctor. This just isn’t working and I feel so unheard.
Looking back, I realized how uncomfortable I was around her. I nearly cried during my appointment today from how frustrated and stressed I was. I rarely cry.
What should I do? If she were any other doctor, I would just leave. It’s not as simple though since she’s technically family and there’s a good chance I would see her at a family gathering sometime in the future. I have no idea how to face her. My mom said she would be in the appointment with me if I wanted and she’d help me prep before hand. I just have no idea how to go about this.
Sorry for the super long post. I’ve just had a day.