So my boyfriend and I are ok enough but then I saw this other couple and they were very supportive of each other, but he isnt supportive of me as much as they are of each other, well I am probably over supportive. He also denys how I feel if it doesnt make sense which is upsetting, though I’m kind of used to that since I get it from a close member of my family. I’m not sure what to do about him not being supportive though, like once I was having flashbacks and he told me to breathe which was helpful at the time but I needed him to help me more then that because I couldnt function, though keep in mind we are so far only online and he is also struggling. Any advice?
Sounds a bit like my wife and I to be honest. And a lot of my friends are pointing out it’s pretty dysfunctional when one is so overly supportive (like us), and don’t receive much support back from our partners. In my case, I understand my wife’s frustration and am trying to mitigate it, but in your case, I’d question how much or whether he really loves you. If you love someone, you’d normally want to be there for them, help them any way you can (like we try to do), but he doesn’t seem to ‘want to’ do that. He might just be really bad at social amd showing affection, I don’t know, but it’s likely going to become more of a problem the longer it lasts this way, with him not pulling his weight in the relationship. Which sucks to find out as young as you are…
Have you ever discussed this with him directly? Also, gaslighting is NEVER cool, so he should DEFINITELY stop doing that…!
I havent talked about it with him because I feel bad about being upset about it but I will. He is just very depressed and secluding himself from most things.
And which thing lead you to think that he is gaslighting me @Marodir?
Denying what you feel simply because it doesn’t make sense to him, sounds like gaslighting to me.
And yeah, it can be hard to talk about, but it’s better to try to deal with it now than find out in 3-4 years that he just doesn’t really care, right? And maybe it’s just that he’s not good at expressing it, in which case he should practice showing it, because he does care about you. Right? Or am I not making sense? It’s (no joke) 4:20 in the morning… And yes, I should be sleeping…
It makes sense and I’ll bring that up with him.
We also have issues with us both being people pleasers which idk what to do about that
He also lets other girls do…stuff with him which he shouldnt do when in a relationship but I also give him permission because I’m a people pleasing push over
Also go to sleeeeep (though I am enjoying getting the first actual help in the support place that I’ve gotten on here)
Do you know what ‘gaslighting’ actually means and where it comes from?
Well, I’m a people-pleaser too, so it makes sense that we’re alike in this way, I guess. On some sad level, hehe.
But he doesn’t sound that much like a people-pleaser, more like a selfish person most of the time… Especially when he’s with other girls while in a relationship with you… That’s not cool. Even if you ‘forgive him’ for it, he shouldn’t want to, if he really loves you… I do know that some people don’t understand, or are capable of proper love. They can’t feel it, they just try to ‘mimic’ it (like you do emotions some times in social settings) when convenient. (Sometimes I wonder about my wife…)
Hehe, I’m going, I’m going! But I’ll reply you tomorow, OK? Hopefully you’ll find more useful things on here. hugs
I know what it means but I forgot where it came from
Well he doesnt actually like it ita just that they want to do it with him and so he let’s them and he is kinda just used to be not letting myself care even though it only makes me worry he doesnt love me but I ignore those feelings usually.
Ok good night (: and thanks I hope I do to hugs
It’s from a story where the husband tries to convince the wife that the things she’s hearing and seeing aren’t real, that she’s just imagining things, that she’s going crazy…
As a guy, trust me when I say this. He doesn’t ‘not actually like it’, he does enjoy it. And if it does hurt you, you shouldn’t have to ignore it, he should care enough to just say no to these women/girls… If he really cares, he should respect the fact that you don’t like it…
Hehe, slept well, I guess you’re asleep now, US time?
There are a few red flags to me.
Being supportive is definitely a skill that gets stronger in a relationship over time. My spouse and I are really supportive of each other, but we’ve had 15 years to build those skills together and we will always be working on them further. But it’s all built on the desire to be supportive and if that’s not there at the beginning then there isn’t much foundation to build on. A big question is whether he earnestly wants to support you and just needs to practice effective ways to do that (feedback from you helps with this) or whether he’s not all that interested in trying.
Him doing sexual things with other women is not a good sign either. It’s not a good thing that you are giving him permission that you don’t actually feel comfortable with and his description of events isn’t good either. He says he’s allowing other people to do things he doesn’t really want and that either means he is being sexually exploited or he is lying to you. Both bad things, but in very different ways.
My advice: Give him feedback on what things you find supportive and see if that leads to progress. Have a really in depth conversation about what he’s been doing with other women and why and tell him that you are not comfortable with it happening.
If you really think you’re in a one-way relationship, you’re doing the right thing by thinking about it and airing your grievances. (To the contrary, of course, it’s also possible that things aren’t entirely one-way – sometimes we ARE getting benefit and support from our partners, we just don’t notice it – or it’s possible that things are really well within the balanced and “normal” (dangerous word!) zone but we’re feeling bad for other reasons.) When you suggest that your partner doesn’t “support” you the way you’d like, I’m not sure I know what you mean, because that’s such a general term. And, obviously, letting US know about it isn’t half as meaningful as, in the long run, letting YOUR PARTNER know about your troubles worries and unhappy feelings, if you feel that you can.
Oh yeah right
I guess, he could be asexual though?
Yeah. Do I ask him directly if he wants to support me?
Yeah both bad, but I really struggle with setting boundaries and when I did he just did it again (everytime).
Ok, but it doesnt bother me that much
Well I’d like him to support me when I’m feeling bad and help me not get worse or feel better. And yeah I started talking to him about it yesterday but we had to stop
I’m generally a big fan of talking about things directly, but I think this is a topic where a person’s behaviour matters most. What I would do here is come up with specific requests for things that you think you would find supportive. Then see how he does putting them into action. Is he showing progress or at least showing effort?
If he was asexual he wouldn’t care about women wanting to sleep with him. He would just say no because he has no interest. I’ve actually discussed what asexuality feels like with a friend of mine. There’s just no desire to do it, and if someone asked him to, it would be like asking you to eat a 7-course banquet dinner and a couple of ice creams for dessert. Your instinctive reaction would be ‘Eh, NO thanks…!’ That’s what an asexual person would respond to requests for sex too. They are legitimately not at all interested, and will turn it down completely. Every time. Which is why he’s not making a lot of sense… Except, of course, you said he repeats it every time, even when you mention that it bothers you, which I think is more telling than anything else. He doesn’t respect and care about you from the sound of it. Sadly… Sounds like he leans on you when convenient and causes you to be dependent on him, but it’s a one-way street…
Even if he was, being asexual wouldn’t make him much better than the average person at resisting pressure. Temptation, yes, but pressure is a different situation. I’m on the asexual spectrum. And he might be, but I don’t see any reason to guess that out of the blue if he’s never identified that way
Yeah, that was kind of the point I wanted to make. It’s unlikely if he hasn’t identified as such previously, so we can’t really assume he is. And if he’s not resistant to pressure, but he has no interest, would it not be natural to just avoid those situations that force you into something you don’t want? A more likely option is that he isn’t, he’s just cheating on Fox…
Well I did ask him previously I’d he thought he was asexual and he said yeah so there is that and he isnt good at saying no. He has a sort of addiction to being abused and it makes him feel better because he feels like he has been put in his place (I feel the same)
He doesnt say no to woman wanting to sleep with him because he struggles to say no. He has also started to stop doing it, though it’s because he isnt usually fronting (he has DID) and he is also sleeping when he isnt fronting so not really any opportunities to, except he did in the headspace yesterday.
Yeah I’ll try asking him directly but when we were working on it yesterday he was trying to figure out how to support me better so I think he does