Im still struggling with ADHD I want to give up

Hi,

Im new here and im really struggling. i was newly diagnosed with adhd last year and honestly i hate having adhd. i feel like its ruining my life. I hate my clinic, I hate my psychiatrist, and I feel like their classes and the meds are doing nothing. I am considering abandoning my clinic and meds altogether because I don’t see a difference in my life. I have just been bumped up to 40 mg of vyvanse. (I was on 30mg and before that 40mg of ritalin).Ritalin makes me chew on my face. The only area ive noticed improvements in is in the area of my home and appearance. I am much more clean/organized and running errands is a little easier.) However those things are not important in the grand scheme of life. I find that i still have absolutely zero desire to do whats actually important. For me, that means: completing unfinished projects. i very badly want a career of my own that i enjoy. I have hundreds of unfinished ‘works’. For years, I’ve been sick and tired of re-visiting them and knowing i will NEVER complete them. I like too many things and no I can’t narrow them down to one. Maybe for a time, but eventually i get bored or have a spark for a ‘new idea’. I suffer from FOLI (Fear of Losing Interest) because it inevitably happens.

I used to love several creative hobbies (i am really talented in most of them) i could prob make an attractive income if i could just finish 'em. Heck maybe even make six figures and buy my first car, house, dog etc. But i can’t finish anything! My passions are like a drug…i love them and will be hooked on them for a week…and than days later i absolutely despise them. Which is such a shame because so many of my friends tell me im really good at what i do. That I am smart and i should start a biz. Im sad I can’t stick to projects to build a career for myself. I am jack of all trades, moving from one obsession to the next, yet master of none. My hobbies cost money too so im broke all the time. The financial walls prevent me from going all the way too so i give up. Im very much in debt. I quit every job i have after a few months cause they’re so monotonous. Does anyone else have the same issues?

My current regimens:

  • Yes i have 5 agendas & calendars…they work until they dont.
  • Yes i exercise at least 30-60 min 3-5 days a week.
  • I eat well (i dont drink, smoke or do drugs)
  • i have no social life…what for? Im so behind on life, goals, cleaning, self-care, sleep.
  • I binge a lot of youtube. After 5pm im done for the day.
  • I have 101 unfinished projects and a room full of abandoned tools/crafts.
  • Lets not forget the impulse purchases (which i frequently return…or run into debt)
  • Def single…what do i have to show for? mid-thirties, barely work…dont have a career im proud of because of incessant procrastination no matter how hard i push. Even though im super loving and would make a great partner…im embarassed that i dont have any cool things going for me. No sense of identity or calling to present.
  • In my younger days i could finish some stuff. But Im an adult now who has rent, food, debt to pay…i have responsibilities and can’t freely ‘play’ all day.
  • i hate working for other people.
  • Why do i love something for 3 months…than f*cking hate it for 3 months? Then love it again for 3 months…then hate it for a year?..The cycle repeats like groundhog day.
  • If i cant finish projects and cant fulfill God’s plan/purpose for me; what kind of life is that? Am I doomed to be a couch potato? It feels like i’ll just be a manic/lazy piece of crap for the rest of my life – forever running on a hamster wheel of insanity until i burn out.
  • My adhd psychiatrist sucks; i cant switch to a new one, cause they’re the only specialist in town!
  • i was offered ‘executive function’ classes and CBT to help with life/schedule planning…but honestly…i dont have ANY faith left in my doctor/counsellors. The last councellor gave me some bs “wellness wheel diagram”…did i keep on top of it? hell no…forgot all about it. It was a very unusefull worksheet meant for 5 year olds. :expressionless:

Help :frowning: Im really sad and struggling. Every time i go to my specialists i end up throwing a tantrum of frustration and crying because i feel like they have no idea what im going thru. Their remedies suck. I feel alone, trapped in my mind/body.

Sincerely,

feeling doomed, couch potato.

2 Likes

First of all, have a hug!

Reading your post, I get the feeling that you don’t feel understood by your psychiatrist or counsellor.

In all honesty, of the three or five people who helped me the most in my 18 month diagnosis and treatment journey, the psychiatrist was the one I didn’t really appreciate until nearly the end of that period, when he helped me a ton with a separate issue (I asked him what to do with my meds around an operation I was scheduled to have, and thanks to that whole discussion I was able to go back to the anaesthetist and ask for what I really wanted.) So after that I had more respect for him.

My point there was that you’re kind of stuck with the psychiatrist, as you say, but it’s possible to get what you need in the whole picture, despite that.

If you don’t ‘click’ with your psychologist, coach or counsellor, it’s going to be very difficult for that relationship to work. Even if they have brilliant suggestions, if they haven’t first convinced you to trust them, the chance of success is small, in my opinion.

There are two ways to fix that: one is to find one you can trust. If that’s an option, go for it!

The other option is harder but not impossible. I know someone who did not like her therapist at all. Then she met some other clients at the same practice and realised that the therapist she hated was the exact same person that someone else thought was their lifesaver. Interesting! For both of them! After discussing what the difference was in their experiences, some time later she was willing to try again with the same therapist (because she also hadn’t found a better one). It worked much better the second time around.

Of course, it’s not easy to meet other clients and to have such a frank conversation with them. Patient confidentiality etc etc. This was not a planned situation.

But I think the biggest difference, for whatever reason, that made it possible to have a better relationship with a counsellor second time around, was that the client was open to trusting them after all.

In a completely different situation, I know someone else who is depressed but doesn’t want help with that. She has been given psychologist appointments as part of the physical rehabilitation programme she’s on (the whole situation is based on suddenly becoming disabled after getting meningitis). But the appointments do not help because she does not want help. In fact, she sees the whole thing as yet another thing being done TO her, rather than FOR her. ‘I’ve lost the full use of my hands and eyes, now they want to take my feelings from me on top of that! No way!’)

So, my conclusion from all of this, is that the most successful treatment is possible when the client feels like whatever is being done is for their benefit, and that ultimately, the client is actually in charge of whether or not that treatment is taking place.

In my case, I sometimes agreed to things I found hard, like not googling my diagnosis, or doing imaginary role play stuff with my eyes closed. But I agreed because by this point I already trusted the therapist to be acting in my best interests, and also had experience of how her professional help was actually helping me. So I was willing to trust her professional judgement on some things that were out of my comfort zone.

Your story of the childish diagram thing reminded me of this. I don’t think it’s the piece of paper that was the problem, I think it was the relationship between you and the therapist. In a different situation, you may have thought ‘gosh, who’d have thought it, that paper seemed so dumb but actually it worked!’ Not because they brainwash you into thinking it’s not childish, but because they gained your trust first.

Does this help at all?

2 Likes

What @Lustforlife just said is better than anything I could have written.

I really want to help you and come with advice, which I do have, but my brain is failing me tonight.
So instead I’m showing my support by writing something at all.

Although, If I did write anything next to what LFL just said, I would home in on point number 4.

But I’m not writing anything, so you’re getting a big, bouncy hug and lots of love from me.

1 Like

Feel like a lot of that was describing me! Writing this reply from my sofa which i have been sleeping on for nearly 2 years and rarely leave unless to go to work or to a shop for smokes :man_facepalming:

2 Likes

Thanks so much for your response! I honestly dont know how to explain my situation. I wrote a new post that explains my experience called “7 months on meds, fed up”. I feel like all these doctors and appts and meds have just lowered the quality of my life, joy, peace of mind. It feels like the more I try to ‘get treatment’ the more I suffer. I can see why some cancer patients dont bother with chemo…because they dont want to spend their lives in clinics and over analyzing every freaking move they make and constantly thinking about cancer. Im so sick and tired of thinking about ADHD. I really want to get off meds and just be free and happy like i used to be prior to diagnosis. Its not like I focus any better or have improved memory. They can feed me all the meds they want, its not going to change anything in my brain. Meds dont solve the problem. Better off punching through tasks like a madman and hyper-focusing/burning out…Even though that was hard, it worked. Life isnt any more manageable on meds. It just sets me up for unnecessary mental expectations…and then when it doesnt work i get more frustrated and depressed. Why set myself up for needless suffering? Im beginning to think adhd meds are a sham :confused: Just my experience ;|

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I am sorry everything feels so bad and is such a struggle.

Scroll to the end of you want the TLDR :sweat_smile:

I found a notice in the mountain of clutter in my house that I keep meaning to hang up so I see it more often. It says: your life, your choices. And it’s true. Right now it sounds like you feel that you have no control over your treatment plan etc, which is supposed to be helping you. If you want to stop, you almost definitely have the right to do that. I know it was on the papers I signed when I started therapy, that I could stop at any time, I just had to pay for any appointments I had already made and not cancelled with reasonable notice (I think that was 24 hours but I’m not sure).

I am hugely enthusiastic about the help I had, even though I also had the clear impression that the pills weren’t working. Pills don’t help much on their own. I started on the pills (which I knew I didn’t even want - I wanted coaching to help me handle my life better) within a couple of months of the whole thing. I started therapy around the same time. May/June or so (2018). I didn’t get my first appointment with the coach until the November of that year. I was furious! I counted how many pills I had taken ‘for nothing’ by then and looked at the mess I was in at work and with study and was really upset. My life always gets really difficult in September (because I work in education and have spent most of the last 7 or 8 years studying part-time as well) and I had made the decision to get help in October 2017, determined that that would be the last time I went through an autumn from hell, doing things the old way.

But then I did have to :confused: The therapy was doing great stuff with my psyche and I was gaining a lot of understanding and self-knowledge that I am very happy with, but I still had no help with getting started and finishing stuff! (Part of the delay was to do with waiting lists and insurance but then they also lost me in the system, so my patient 3 month wait from the January turned out to be just me disappearing, not actually moving up the waiting list at all.)

However. The coaching was brilliant from the start. I got one to one training in how to plan stuff and how to see why the plan wasn’t working. I got concrete tips and suggestions, many of which actually worked!

I think my point is, in my case there was always the hope that I would get the answers I needed to I didn’t consider giving up.

If you don’t think these people are capable of giving you the answers you need, taking a break from trying to find answers might be a good plan. Only you can know that. Once you’ve had time to do things your own way again, you can make an assessment of what you want and seek that out. From whatever source seems sensible, including self-help. And even at the same place you are currently registered, changes in staffing may make a difference by then, plus of course you will be very clear about what you are looking for and hopefully they will be honest about which elements of that they should be able to deliver on, and what they will expect from you during that process. You will have more control over the whole situation, and that would be very different from now.

So the TLDR is that you need to be in the driving seat! :heart:

1 Like