Impulsiveness


#1

I think I’m just looking to see if my “experience” of being impulsive is common, or if there’s a lot of variety. We’re all impulsive. This is how I feel it.

Usually, my impulses start with thinking, “I wanna do the thing.” Then I think about it for a second and I know I should definitely not do the thing. But what I do? I bloody do the thing!

It’s like, I’ve already envisioned doing it in my head, and the push to make it real is irresistible. And it really does feel like a push. It’s like standing on a ledge with someone behind you. You’re balanced, you know you should definitely not step forward into the void and you have no intention to, then that asshole just gives you a shove and off you go.

And while I’m doing the thing, I’m actively thinking, “Why am I doing this? I know better!” It’s a small blessing when it’s something too quick to have that thought, like throwing an object at your friend for no apparent reason in childhood. Much more distressing when it’s something that you do for a while, like sober, unprotected sex with someone you’re not even especially attracted to and barely know.

Then I spend the next 15 years thinking back to that moment and asking myself, “what the f*** was I thinking?” (Next question is usually: “how can my adults have seen that behavior and not known?” but that’s another post.)

That about sum it up for most of us? Or do you feel the impulses differently?? How do you manage it?


#2

From what I’ve recently learned, it seems to be common. My impulsivity usually results in me buying things. “Should I get the new guitar? I already have 3. I probably shouldn’t get it. That’s odd, I just clicked buy.”


#3

My impulsivity manifests slightly differently. It normally involves buying/eating foods that I shouldn’t eat, or don’t even really want. Or drinking alcohol/taking drugs that I am only having because it’s there and I don’t stop to think twice. Same with… the other thing that goes with drugs and rock’n’roll. :see_no_evil: The consultant that diagnosed me questioned me particularly about my “risky sexual behaviour” as this is also a symptom of the ADHD impulsivity.

More often though, it’s things like rubbing my cat’s belly even though I know it’s going to result in me getting a shredded arm. Or like this morning when I decided it would be a good idea to cut my own hair for the first time after watching a 2 minute youtube tutorial (mixed results…). Or buying a load of stuff I can’t afford on amazon. Or more recently, going abroad on my own for a weekend at the last minute. I normally think it’s a great idea at the time! Then afterwards realise “…did I really need to do that??” especially if it went wrong!

Sometimes if nothing bad happens, I don’t even realise I was being impulsive!


#4

Until my S.O. points out later that it could’ve gone all wrong, of course. And the inevitable:

“What were you thinking?!”

“… I honestly don’t know.”