I think I’m just looking to see if my “experience” of being impulsive is common, or if there’s a lot of variety. We’re all impulsive. This is how I feel it.
Usually, my impulses start with thinking, “I wanna do the thing.” Then I think about it for a second and I know I should definitely not do the thing. But what I do? I bloody do the thing!
It’s like, I’ve already envisioned doing it in my head, and the push to make it real is irresistible. And it really does feel like a push. It’s like standing on a ledge with someone behind you. You’re balanced, you know you should definitely not step forward into the void and you have no intention to, then that asshole just gives you a shove and off you go.
And while I’m doing the thing, I’m actively thinking, “Why am I doing this? I know better!” It’s a small blessing when it’s something too quick to have that thought, like throwing an object at your friend for no apparent reason in childhood. Much more distressing when it’s something that you do for a while, like sober, unprotected sex with someone you’re not even especially attracted to and barely know.
Then I spend the next 15 years thinking back to that moment and asking myself, “what the f*** was I thinking?” (Next question is usually: “how can my adults have seen that behavior and not known?” but that’s another post.)
That about sum it up for most of us? Or do you feel the impulses differently?? How do you manage it?