Is "being OK" a myth for everyone or just a handful of us?

Hey there, (english is not my native language. bear with me ^^ )
everytime im struggeling more then usual im trying to think back of a time where “being alive” was JUST OK. Not the complet absence of suffering or certain kinds of hardships but at least not a seemingly unmanagable crises. Recently im not even sure anymore if theres ever been such a time for me. Of course there is the possibilty that im wrong and that my take on the past is somewhat faulty. But looking back i just jumped from crisis to crisis. Different periods with different kind of panic attacks, compulsionary thoughts and behaviours, being overweight as teenager, being underweight as a teenager, fucking cancer as a young adult, heavy fatigue symptoms, disgusting nerv pain from the chemo that will accompany me for the rest of my life, recently found out i got ADHD apparently… just to name a few of those…
Especially in the last 5 years i really really tried to make a difference for the better. Not that i havent tried before. I think i managed to achieve a lot of stuff. Finished school, finnished my university to become a therapist for addicted people, surviving, managing most of my daily tasks without crumbeling…etc… Didnt manage all of that in the best way or to my full potential possible but who does :slightly_smiling_face:
I tried / am trying a lot. Got 2 different therapists over the years and tried hard to be truthful and dedicated, tried to find a good work life balance cause the cancershit kinda fucked me up a lil energy-wise, tried a lot of different medications (SSRIs, Ritalin, Lyrica… etc…), trying to do as much physical exercise as possible without my body hurting too much, at the moment im eating soooooo healthily…and so on.
I always knew that there are some “obvious” things i can change to MAYBE improve my life-experience. Like partying too much or not eating well and stuff like that. But right now im at a point where i can truthfully say “i think i tried it all…”. And thats so insanely sad. Im not a person who actually cries (maybe once a year) but this discovery makes me really sad.
Right now im just spending my time surviving. Got withdrawal symptoms from my SSRI hoping they wont turn into panic attacks. Didnt want them anymore. Gave me too much headache. At the same time i called in sick from my job since january this year. There wasnt an ounce of strength left to be able to take care of my patients.
In about 4 weeks i ll go to rehab facilty(no drugs or anything like that). Not because i think that will change anything. I hope it does. I ll try my best to work with them. Its not like i dont want it to become better. But i feel like im running out of options. Obviously i contemplated suicide. I think i d never do it and i dont allow myself to make an actual detailed plan. cause then it actually becomes close to becoming real.
Im not perfect. No one is. No one can be. I know i made mistakes in my life. Some of em my fault. But in my heart i think i dont deserve that torture. But who deserves ANYTHING from the “world” right…

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We all indeed have our struggles. Yours sound to be more difficult than many people have to deal with.

For me, besides ADHD, a tendency to develop anxiety (or depression on rare occasion) when life gets difficult, and a mild form of asthma (allergy-triggered), I have no other health health issues.

My career and financial struggles have been significant sometimes. While my marriage was mostly good, there were some problems that brought it to an end at 20 years, so now I’m divorced and have half custody of my youngest kids.

Altogether, my life has been better than many people experience. My parents are still well able to care for themselves, so I don’t have to take care of them. (They are actually hosting me, for another week and a half, into I relocate to be with my kids again.)

I’m more okay than not presently, but there have been a number of times that I haven’t been okay, like most of the last 5 years. It’s just life circumstances.

Life is not easy. Whoever said it would be either wasn’t experienced enough, or not paying much attention. (But that’s just my take.)

I do consider myself to be part optimist, part idealist, and part realist. This conversation plays into my realist side.

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Hey,

also not native language, also struggeling.
Looking back, I think I hopped from one crisis into another…
Some off the stuff because of my ADHD. A lot of it because of my insecurities I developed due to the resonance I became because of my ADHD. A lot of it because of being in freeze mode and procrastinating, or because of doing to many things at the same time and not being able to decide.
Some of the struggles because of being inattentive, this causing minor and major accidents and time lapses of searching stuff, being locked out, forgetting pin codes, dead lines, paper work, appointments, keys…

Some off the struggles I could have spared, if I would be able to be dishonest. If I would be able to let go off things, I I would less hyper focus on the little things, If I would be able to arrange myself with unfinished conversations, unreliable narrations, unsatisfying solutions, unfinished projects… if I could stop ruminating.

And also if I would not have such a good awareness for people and stuff happening around me.

But as you had, I also had a lot of health issues, so had my family.

BUT nevertheless, there is also so much positive I gained from my ADHD, so much creativity, spontaneity, adventure, experience I gained from exactly the same traits.
So much success I had because of my never letting go…

I don’t know how it all adds up in the end. But I sure know that it can get very exhausting, Something I experience more and more the older I get.

A.

To answer the question in the topic title:

First of all, I think it’s okay to admit when you are not okay.

  • The culture around us all makes it seem like anything difficult that we are going through is somehow our fault… But much of the time, maybe even most of the time, that’s not true. We don’t choose the difficulties that we face, they just are a part of our lives.

"Being okay" is a myth, not just for people with ADHD, but for all people.

  • People often ask as a greeting: “How are you doing?” It seems rare that someone is asking because they are asking out of genuine concern for us. … The trained response is to say we are “Okay”, even when we are definitely NOT OKAY. Why? Because we know the most people won’t know how to respond to the truth.

ADHD adds complications to life.

  • ADHD often makes it more difficult for us to deal with all kinds of things in life. ADHD makes it difficult enough to do ordinary, everyday tasks. When it comes to more challenging issues in life, like serious health issues, ADHD adds both complexity and difficulty.

Based on my personal faith and values, I believe that all of humankind ought to be:

  • more genuine in our concern for one another and in our acceptance of one another
  • more authentic in how we present ourselves to one another
  • more intentional in the way that we take action to help one another

In short, I think that it should be okay to receive an answer from someone that they are “not okay”. More importantly, I think that when we do learn that someone is struggling, it ought to be a call to action. Maybe I, as a lone person, cannot do anything to help someone directly (e.g. help someone half a world away who had cancer and now has other health or work or financial struggles because of it), but maybe there’s something I can do indirectly (like help someone in my own community who is going through similar struggles).

  • True story: A friend of mine (who I’m certain has undiagnosed ADHD) had cancer several years back. She needed help getting to doctor’s appointments and treatments. As soon as she was cancer-free, her husband (a former tobacco user) was diagnosed with a different form on cancer, he got very sick very quickly, and he died. A large community of people (not just locally, but some from hundreds of miles away) pulled together to help with their medical bills & other debts, acts of service for the cancer-surviving widow and their two boys, and even providing all the money needed to send both their boys to the nearby state college. It’s been over five years, and people still rally around this woman.

THAT’S what it ought to mean to be human, to “Do into others, as you would have others do into you.” It’s so easy to say… So hard to do with any consistency.

  • (Note: The same group of people has turned away from me and my family, because our problem wasn’t cancer, it was marriage struggles, which led to divorce. These people say that marriage is important, but expect all married couples to pretend everything is just “okay” all the time. If even 1% of the same caring and effort were made, perhaps the marriage could have been saved.)

It’s okay to say when you are "not okay*. It’s okay to tell the truth about it. Maybe you’re never okay.
@Kai1 maybe I can’t do anything for you but read your words and respond. Maybe all I can do is to give you some encouragement. But if you have a need from this community of Brains (and Hearts), please come tell us.