Just a rant.

For the majority of my life, I have felt like a failure. I’m just the girl that is a complete slob. My room was messy as a teenager (always) and my mom would be the one that would tidy it up. I would come home from school and my bedroom would be spotless… but just for a few days. As an adult, I blamed my mom for shaping me into this unorganized messy person because she would always clean up after me. I’m sure there’s some truth there, but this past weekend has taught me that maybe it goes deeper than that. My apartment is messy 24/7. I’m 30 now.

My dad would always get on my case because I could never finish anything. I think I started every extra curricular activity in the planet! Karate. Ballet. Piano. Guitar. Singing. Painting. ”Can’t you just stick to something??” Nope.

My mom is a crafty person and she sells her crafts at a local makers market. My dad has joined in and he’s started crafting a lot too. I’ve… tried. Michael’s should put a poster of me on the wall for being such a frequent flier. Resin keychains! Maybe I’ll make candles? Now I’m painting. I even got hired by a local mall do fo their chalkboard sign outside every week because they thought I was so good! I’m convinced I didn’t get paid for a few of them though because making the invoice every week was overwhelming. Yesterday I convinced myself I should get back into it and maybe start painting on the back of denim jackets. I’ll keep you posted.

I have this weird memory from my childhood where I remember walking with my mom and telling her I felt like there was a rubber band in my brain that could snap at any moment. She told me I was being silly. I still don’t know what the rubber band meant.
In high school my counselor told me I’d never get into college because of my gpa. I thought I wasn’t going to graduate! I freaked out for weeks!! Turns out I was ahead in credits and was absolutely fine, regardless of my mediocre grades.

I ended in beauty school and I absolutely loved it. It only took me 8 years to finally pursue the career and get licensed! That haunted me and made me feel absolutely terrible. Yet another thing that went unfinished!!! I don’t even understand what happened to me the day I finally decided to just sign up for the exam. Whoever I was that day… Well. I wish she’d come around more often.
8 years!!! Usually you get licensed while you’re still in school. Major face palm.
Being a hairstylist is kind of the only “normal” I have, though. I absolutely THRIVE at the salon. I’m so enamored by my craft and it’s all I think about sometimes. I’m so glad I finally went and took my exam.

My boyfriend and I fight often. Well. He gets frustrated and I just listen (and zone out).
Our place is always messy. I misplace everything. Where’s his stuff? Why can’t I ever wash the dishes? Why does he always have to be the one to throw out the trash? Please hold, I think our internet just got caught off because I forgot to pay the bill. (Again)

A few years back before I became a licensed cosmotogist, I was working at a bridal shop in Colorado. I was notoriously late. It got so bad that my boss started writing down every excuse I’d give her and then she pulled me into her office and showed me the long list she had written.
“There’s traffic!” “My dog had an accident inside and I need to take care of it before I leave!” “‘My car won’t start” Etc.
The list went on and on and I was so embarrassed that I didn’t read the rest. We both got teary eyed during this confrontation. She told me I kinda showed symptoms of ADHD and I should probably be medicated.

Words cannot express how offended I was.

This month I’ve managed to lock myself out of the apartment twice. I haven’t paid my credit card bill in so long and I’m too afraid to log into my app because I’m afraid they closed my account without me knowing because I purposely don’t check my mail.
I’m surrounded by dirty laundry as I type this.
When was my last shower?
I definitely don’t have medical insurance right now because I forgot to pay my bill. They closed that account so fast I barely even had a chance to be surprised by it!
I was shocked to get my period a few weeks ago and of course didn’t have any tamps at home.
I woke up early because I thought my work meeting was today but it’s actually next week.
I made dinner last night and totally forgot to clean up or save the leftovers.
What’s my Apple ID password again???
It took me 3 hours to clean the bathroom and it never actually got fully clean.

I scheduled an evaluation to finally talk to someone about ADHD. Maybe my old boss was onto something? I almost feel like reaching out to her… but maybe I’ll wait until after I have some sort of results.
I always thought that this was only for people that were hyperactive and couldn’t sit still. I always thought I just sucked at being an adult. I’m lazy and I’m messy. That’s just who I am! I can’t change it no matter how hard I try. I’m not the smart kid and I don’t excel at all the things. I’ll never be the cute, perfect girlfriend I want to be because I’m a horrible “house wife”. I want to cook and clean and always smell like roses!!!
I never thought that all of these things that I’ve forced myself to live with could actually be symptoms of something else. Something manageable. Something that happens to a ton of other people and not just me.
Is this the part where I focus on the fact that maybe this could’ve been helped years and years ago? Would my life have been different?

I’ll try to ignore that though.
I’ll post an update after my evaluation.

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Snoozle, one of the greatest things about this community is the understanding that we are not alone.

I see so much of myself in this. My room and backpack are always a disorganized mess. My parents are always wondering why I can never finish things, I thought I wanted to be an artist but scrapped that because I can never finish my artpieces when I’m not in an art class… or even get past the planning stage… I’ve had to repedetly climb through the window of my house because i can’t find my keys and I believe I also might have been underpayed in the past because of invoice struggles.

I try to make something beautiful everyday out of all this chaotic mess and I succeed everyday by finding it in the loving hearts of my friends and family who laugh off my silly career-idea changes and who forgive me for sending them late bday gifts. Also in my pets who love me no matter what. And by simply going out and living life as best as I can- the human existence is meant to be messy - its what we make of this messiness that counts.

Last week I want running in a rain storm because I had had a bad day and I really needed the extra dopamine, and when a couple of kids also running high fived me along the way it reminded me that 1) I’m never alone and 2) bad times can get changed into good times in a blink of an eye - whether that’s through a perspective change, gratitude, a good run, or a diagnosis :slight_smile:

I wish you the very best with everything (sorry for the sappy reply but your post touched me)

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Don’t apologize! My post was sappy to begin with :slight_smile:
I guess I’m just going through this crazy tornado of emotions where I’m realizing that there’s a deeper reason for all of these things that I have been experiencing.
It’s crazy to go through this entire life thinking you kinda just suck and then realizing there might be something causing all of it. I feel like I’m peeling away all of these layers of myself and realizing who I really am. I’m proud to be taking things in the correct direction and I honestly can’t wait until my appointment. I don’t know what to expect or what they’ll ask me or how it will go, but I’m ready for it.

Also, I definitely agree with what you said. Our lives are meant to be messy and there’s so much beauty in that<3

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A lot of the things you described have also been true for me in the past. Some still are, but I’ve been able to build systems that help in various areas and over time that’s made a really big difference. I hope your appointment goes well and that this will be a great new direction for you

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